The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can suggest having a plan and like Zimmy stated, be clear on the boundaries at a time when he's not going off. I'm not saying to argue back...in fact, it's the opposite. One idea is to have a place to go such as your family or a friend's house....or possibly a designated "walk away room" in your house where when he starts acting in ways that are unacceptable, you just walk away and/or leave. Usually, they scream "Oh so you are just gonna walk away!!! blah blah." Then the response is either nothing or "yep" and then walk away or leave. 1 word or a couple word responses are good such as "This is unacceptable." Not arguing but stating the boundary and then follow it up with action (leaving, walking away). If he follows you or doesn't let you leave, you have a whole nother level of violence and that involves calling the police. Boundaries are hard to stick to but you gotta recognize your Higher Power doesn't want you treated that way and you do have the right and ability to not tolerate it. You are right that arguing with a rageful person is futile. However, sitting there and being their verbal punching bag reinforces their cruelty.
You can't stop him or control him, but you don't have to tolerate everything he does or walk around feeling unempowered or scared. You can walk away, leave, call the police if needed. You are powerless over him, but not you in terms of changing this dynamic.
**P.S. - I realize i'm suggesting a form of standing up to a controlling person with a violent temper. I don't know what the exact results will be - continuing to reach out and have lots of support (sponsor and other phone numbers) from alanon will aid you if you need emergency help. I'm thinking he has been used to you tolerating this for a very long time and if you switch it up like I said, you will get a response of increased anger at first...
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 7th of December 2012 09:52:21 AM
This is indeed dificult. VaLIDATING YOURSELF IN A NON AGGRESIVE MANNER WOULD BE HELPFUL. iN ADDITION LEAVING THE HOUSE AND TAKING A WALK WITH THE DOG IS ALSO A GOOD TOOL. YOU GET A BREAK AND SOME FRESH AIR AND CAN PRAY ON THE WALK.
VALIDATING YOURSELF COULD JUST LOOK LIKE:" I DO NOT CALL THE DOG IN BECAUSE SHE TELLS ME WHEN SHE IS READY TO COME IN BY BARKING. THAT WAY WE ARE BOTH HAPPPY". HE CAN THEN SCREAM AND THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WALK, . I TOO HAVE WALKED ON EGG SHELLS AND FOUND THAT IF I SAY THE SERENITY PRAYER, TAKE DEEP BREATHS--HP WILL GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO HAVE PEACE WITHIN AND KNOW THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY.
KEEP SHARING HERE AS WELL
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 7th of December 2012 11:53:09 AM
So sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.
Have you spoken this through with your sponsor? You know that we dont give advice, it sounds like your scared of your husband and what he could do by the way you say you shake when he starts yelling and being abusive to you.
Have you spoken to him and explained how it makes you feel when he starts yelling at you? I would recommend you think hard about how you expect to be treated and set your boundries as verbal abuse is just as damaging maybe more so that violent abuse, (I have had both from my alcoholic boyfriend) the bruises fade but the hurtful remarks can stay with you if you let them.
I sometimes think that the alcoholic active or in recovery will act in this manner if they know that they can get away with it. Only you can decide what you want to do, remember if nothing changes nothing changes.
You have the right to feel safe and happy and only you can look after yourself. Trust in your higher power and dont be scared to ask for his help.
Much support and hugs
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
You received great ESH already, I just want to say I can relate and I had to learn to set boundaries and remove myself from my A's temper. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was a dry drunk for 14 years, and im sure glad thats passed. God bless you for what youre going through. I hope he comes to terms with the fact that meetings and working the steps are the only way out. A lot of people go insane trying to stay dry. It can happen to him too. Theres no fighting the disease of alcoholism and everyones affected. Many times, I felt my anger ready to go out of manageable control at any minute and others in the way could get harmed- that always kept me somewhat restrained. I got divorced and lost my home, kids and next came my job, because I couldnt control my emotions anymore. All without ever touching a drop. I work my steps now, and I have peace today. I have no illusions that if I give up on the spiritual principals of the program- Honest, Purity, unselfishness and Love, I will most likely go back to who I once was, drink or not. Its truly interwoven into our beings once we become alcoholics. I hope he gets the help he needs, at 4 months, I fear this is truly just a beginning.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on being a dry drunk Dave, that was very helpful. I too, peacewithin, have lived with a dry drunk; and I agree it's worse than when they were drinking. AlAnonDave said, "A lot of people go insane trying to stay dry." And I believe this to be true. When an Alcoholic tries to remain sober without the help of their HP and the group, it can make them "insane", I have witnessed it in my ex-AH who is a dry drunk. He honestly believes things that just aren't true, i.e. that I am a slut and promiscuous, that I'm not intellegent (I have almost a Masters degree in Microbiology), I don't know anything about training horses (I used to work for Tommy Lee Jones training horses... yes, THE Tommy Lee Jones!) and due to the fact that I stayed with him TOO long, I started believing it too. I gave up on my degree, I sold my horses, and I've even started to do things sexually that I wouldn't have done before, although I wouldn't call myself "promiscuous".
This is what I learned from my experience of living with a dry drunk: surround yourself with positive reinforcement (hotrod hit the nail on the head, validate yourself), tell yourself they are "sick" and remind yourself that they have a disease and are not getting treatment for it (a 12-step program such as AA), do not engage with them (argue) it is fruitless. I attended attend LOTS of meetings- on-line, f2f, post in here, open AA helps too, when I was with the dry drunk. In order to counteract someone who is constantly trying to tear you down (in order to feel better about themselves) it takes CONSTANT reinforcement from Al-Anon... meetings, reading literature, coming in here (message board) and venting, going to chat and talking to someone, calling your sponsor or a fellow alanon. Take care of you!
Hope this helps!
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I woke up every single day during that time in my life, knew full we'll deep down to my soul I was an alcoholic, wished with all my power and might that I were like other people- "normal", whatever that is. When I couldn't have it, I got angry at myself and angry at God and then it spilled over into my daily life. Everything was a controversy, everyone was out to get me and I felt sorry for myself constantly. That's no way to live. I take the easier softer way today- I pray, I work my steps a day at a time and I try to correct my own mistakes along the way. I came here when I discovered some unfinished business in an ACA book, and I'm glad I did. It fills in a lot of holes. Now I go to alanon meetings to answer those lingering questions. I'm just beginning, so I'm looking forward to a new way of living. AA helped change a lot for me, but there was still something missing, and I think I might have found it.
