The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I too am striving to let go of the past holidays and make New lasting Holiday Memories I think this can only be done, as we are doing it "One Season at a Time". I am glad you are focused on This year , your children and your happiness . Alanon says it is OK to Glance at the past if we do not stare.
At the end of the year in alanon I like to review the past year and see my growth I call it a positive 4th Step. If I have responded even a little differently this Holiday season I will count that in the positive corner. Progress not Perfection.
I am glad you are here.
PS I have a hard time posting on your messages. I think it is because of that little "man" at the bottom of your post. The message jumps and refuses to move correctly . Sometimes I give up Hope this gets to the Board.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 6th of December 2012 09:30:19 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 6th of December 2012 10:01:11 AM
For whatever reason, I have mixed feelings about the holidays. It brings back some difficult memories and definitely a lot of stress trying to get things done. Rolling back to when I was young- my Dad had custody of my older brother and I and he tried to make ends meet and did the best he could I think at making it a decent holiday. My father was disowned by his family over some drama, and right around when I was 9 or so, no relatives sent cards or called us or anything, so it was just us. No big gatherings, no festive get togethers, no family reunions, nothing. Over time in my dads alcoholism, he got really self centered, and still is. For Christmas, even though he bragged about having all kinds of money, buying himself toys (not that he's not entitled mind you), he gave us boys a 5.00 nail care kit from the drugstore. That was all we got. The following year- nothing. It's remained nothing since then. Now, I don't care about getting things, because nothing compares to just being with family and giving. That's what I get the most out of the holidays. But it's nice to be thought of at least. To know for certain where I fit, to know whether I make him proud, all that. You can keep the "stuff". This game of "I'll call him if he calls me first" has gone on for years and years. I've sent gifts, I've even made a surprise birthday trip all the way from Maryland to California only to be tasked with things to do once I got there, part of it being to pay for a kiddie bounce thing for his wife's daughters kid, to pay for dinners etc for a lot of people after I forked out over a grand to get my wife and I put there and hotel stay. Needless to say it didn't happen. They just tried to take us for granted. So when the holidays come around, it seems to just be more selfishness and I end up getting hurt. I'm awful sick of it all. Things that were lost (my chdhood and just being a kid) can never be returned. All I can do is go to meetings and help others. That's what I'm trying to do every year. I hope I'm getting better, because I sure don't want for my kids what I ended up with.
Hang in there. While my childhood holiday season was not bad, I know for me and a lot of us itcan be difficult. I have the pressure of extra yearly bills that seem to come due right around this time, so it causes extra stress to pay them and have money to buy gifts for friends and family. Then there is the "excuse" for the alcoholic in our lives to drink because "its the holidays". Holiday parties that others can enjoy but when we go we either have the embarassment of not having our spouse with us and why, or taking the spouse and the drinking begins. Seems like Christmas Day is more of a relief that the season is over then a celebration.
I'm glad to see you are concentrating on your kids. That is one area that you can make a profound difference.
My son is going though this to some degree but my son is the A. His father doesn't understand my son in turn treats him in the wrong way. All my son wants is to have a dad that is proud and supports him and not criticize. Wants to see his dad but not come knowing he has to work if he comes. Yes my son has done many things wrong when he comes to visit him but I think its because he feels not really wanted and only go's thinking it might stop him from drinking and get some support and help from dad, only to be disappointed. It's a very hard and sad to have a family that doesn't really know what you are going though and only wants their love and to love them back.
Hugs to you Dave that you can give and get love from you children so they will not have to go through what your going through. Helping others will help you feel good inside and them knowing YOUR a kind, thoughtful and caring man.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hey Dave, to me the word "amends" means I have the opportunity to amend things and make it right. I am powerless over how others behaved toward me in the past, I can't change the lovelessness in anyone. But I can sure try to make amends to the little girl in me, I can make it right for her today. Ever buy yourself a toy you always wanted as a kid? I have. The boys got all the cool toys the girls never got and were never supposed to touch, it wasn't fair. So as an adult, I bought myself a couple of sailboats, lol. I couldn't find the dang submarine, but the sailboats sure made me happy....
The day I took em to the park, the little girl in me felt validated, like she matters, and she is loved. I try hard to take the attitude that if it seems like nobody loves me, there is still me. I have the power to make it right between me and Higher power ( Love.)
Take what you like ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 6th of December 2012 05:46:03 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
It got on here, Hotrod. Thanks to everyone who posted. Of course the holidays are hard because most of the time was sitting around watching him drink while on the phone to fronds during the day "all day" and tapping on his beer can was a signal to us to fetch him another beer so he didn't have to get up. Even on holidays. We didn't dare tell him no because he'd get violent. My brother to him no once and I watched my Dad throw him out a window when I was 5. I got the message early on that you never said no to Dad and got in the way of what he wants. So when Holidays come around, it feels like that again- give him what he wants so he'll be nice. I'm done with all that. He barely drinks Anymore, but he doesn't have a program and is a dry drunk feeling sorry for himself while it stays "all about him". If I give something, it feels more like I caved than a gift from the heart because we can forget getting anything in return.
Painful childhood memories for sure!!! I hear acceptance not only of your difficult childhood holidays but of the other visits as an adult , where your efforts were not appreciated and were even abused.
Looking within and making amends to Yourself might be the best action you can take.
Thank you- getting real with the past isnt easy, and Ive found acceptance in AA, but when people keep doing the same things, (I do realize I cant change people places and things) it makes me go back into it over and over again. Im just trying to live in the now and let him go.
Lol- thanks. I love Mr. Bean, he's hilarious... The picture reminds me not to take life so seriously. I've given myself a beat down for far too long. I feel like its time to live again!
I've learned that the A is going to keep doing what the A does. And if he's a dry drunk - the drink may not be there but the "ism" certainly still is.
Some things that have helped me:
#1: Remember that I'm not going to go floating around on Al-Anon Angel wings overnight or even over several months, years, etc. I tell myself I had 30+ years of living the way I did before Al-Anon... it just MIGHT take me another 30 years to completely change. And that means change a lot of my expectations around other people in my life - especially my immediate family.
#2: Check my motives if I'm going to gift someone whom I know in the past has been ungrateful. If I want to give them a gift... that's awesome. But I have to remember what this person is like and that if I expect any sort of different behavior from them, then I'm just setting myself up to be resentful. It may be best I don't go there with that person until I know I'm giving from a completely selfless standpoint - or that I'm only doing it because it it makes ME feel good, regardless the reception.
I agree. We all have to take these holidays one holiday at a time. I think many, many, many of us have had to learn how to create new holiday traditions for ourselves that allow us to experience the joy we so desperately wish we got from our dysfunctional families.
I guess part of me wishes for things to change and they don't. It's amazing how bad everything back on my childhood affected me. I recently reviewed the "laundry list" in the ACA BRB, and I still have symptoms of all of that. It's good to finally just work on me instead of walking around wondering what's wrong and why I feel like I do. It's nice to have hope and a new direction to go in. I'm going to alanon meetings twice a week and AA once a week for now so I can work on everything and I'm already seeing results. It's been long time coming.
You've had a lot of good reply's to your post AlAnon Dave! This is a hard time of year for me too, but for a somewhat different reason. I was fortunate enough to have had a good childhood and fond childhood memories. There were not any alcoholics in my life growing up, but once I turned 19 (I'm now 50) I started marrying into the disease. By the time I got to my third marriage of dealing with the family disease of alcoholism, I had a child. This child is now 15 and I must say I have made her life hell, due to what I have put her through because of the alcoholics in her life (including her dad's family) and a dry drunk that I was married to for three years (and divorced) three years ago.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you were going to focus on your kids. That is what I'm going to try to do this year, but the hard thing for me is I can't give her what she'd like to have... family. It's just me and her and my 90 year old mother for Christmas, and she longs for those family get-togethers with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles (etc.). Like you said: "...it was just us. No big gatherings, no festive get togethers, no family reunions, nothing." The difference with us is there is no alcoholic present, but there is an abnormal person present, my mom. My mom suffers from moderate Alzheimer's, so our ability to go out is limited at Christmas and other holidays. There is a lot of anger on my daughter's part (and mine) that we are in this position. My mother, who has no fault in this disease, often gets the brunt of our anger.
You may think this not to be an appropriate comparison, but Alcoholism is a disease (note the sticky at the top of the page denoting Alcoholism recognized as a disease by the AMA); as is Alzheimer's. They did not chose their disease, much like we did not chose or cause it. Alcoholics can chose to arrest their disease by attending AA, yet some don't do to pride; which is also part of the disease's traits. If you can "detach" yourself from the disease and your expectations of the holiday; and focus on your children, then that is the best remedy I believe. I believe this to be true if one is dealing with Alzheimer's or Alcoholism. Detach from the disease, watch expectations (to avoid later resentments), accept what you can not change, and change the things you can... your reaction to your circumstances (and in my case, my reaction to my circumstances).
Blessings to you and your children this holiday Season AlAnon Dave!
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Friday 7th of December 2012 09:43:17 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I know things have only changed in a good direction for me when I started attending Al-Anon, and they keep moving in that trend the longer I stay. Thanks for your shares!
Hi Dave, thanks for sharing your esh...I too am dealing, with a great deal of difficulty, handling family matters during this holiday.. my family of origin has basically alienated myself and kids due to my older two kids (who are addicts)..sad, and I am sooo bitter and resentful...I pray daily to remove these bad feelings...its not my nature but I gotta tell ya, I'm hurting over it!!! sigh..so ,deep breaths and back to basics for me..and meetings ;) I had dinner for Thanksgiving just myself and kids this year, and it was nice..we stayed in PJ's all day...watched the Philly parade and painted ornaments! only thing is my youngest two kiddies who are 11 and 5 are missing their cousins and all the traditions, thats whats hurting so bad...they just don't understand ,but they get that they are missing out...11yr old is aware of why..and is crushed...one min at a time today..ty for sharing your esh ;) glad ur here! Carla
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"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
