The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is possible to act differently in different groups, settings, and with different individuals while not being inauthentic. The concept is called having multiple selves meaning I have a "work mark," "a home mark," "a mark for how I act with my parents," "A mark for how I act with my partner"....etc. Society defines my behavior and that's not all a bad thing. It's only bad when it happens to the point that I feel inauthentic or that the behavior is self-sabotaging.
So, it's not a defect to act different in front of different people, but I guess if being manipulative out of fear is the issue, maybe it is. Nonetheless, we all have different ways we act to get things we need and want so it's a fine line.
As far as being afraid of men, I suggest hanging out more with nonthreatening, but fabulous gay men :)
(snicker)
edit- And that was my 2000th post. That's fabulous and gay (in a happy way).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 6th of December 2012 09:16:10 AM
Sooo .. I have been thinking about this for the past few days and something I am going to give myself as a gift is getting through steps 4 and 5 before the next court date which actually is NOT the 17th .. I just found out yesterday that it's Jan 8th .. LOL .. I recently said this is like a canker sore that won't go away and I have to stop picking at it. It's time to just allow things to play out the way they are going to play out and be done with it already.
At first I was angry and then I realized I had made this decision to do the steps 4 and 5 on Monday, and really the 17th is a lot of pressure so God once again has stepped in and said .. ok child here is the time now it's up to you. So D'oh number 1, hit and I said thank you God, you know best and I really feel so much better.
I had a blaring character defect come to light that I was completely unaware of and really I'm truly scared of men in general. I don't mean I don't like men I mean that I'm scared of them in the sense that my self esteem is threatened and so is my confidence as well as my physcial being is as well. This is not on any men really in my current sphere this is my persecption of the situation and how I intately react to them as they move through my space.
After going to court I had time to think about how I felt during that time while I sat in court and I was literally surrounded by ALL men .. there was my STBAX, my atty, his atty, the bailiff, and there would have been the judge as well. I was shaking and I felt scared more about who surrounded me than what was going to happen (or not happen as the case was). Then I started thinking about how do I enteract with men in my life again I'm not talking sig others I'm talking professional men, men who I think have power basically, men who affect my life directly (again I'm back to the atty's and the Judge).
So how do I engage with these men .. well my STBAX I am hostile and very you will not mess with me. With my Atty it is I'm funny, cute and can I get you to approve of me. With the STBAX's Atty again hostility big time. I become very prickly like a porcupine. I have a different role with the Judge even .. I started wondering who am I when I'm not playing a chacater to please or protect myself from the men in my life?
Sooooo .. now what .. LOL .. that's why I'm thinking it's really time to move forward in the steps, it's time to let go of some old beliefs.
I do know after Monday I never ever ever want to feel like that again .. or at least have a different line of response when I start to.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Great share. Working Steps 4 and 5 is a precious gift that we give to ourselves. I am glad that HP has given you the fortitude and insight to look within and truly see .
I too found all the different roles I played while interacting with others. In examining my motives I also found my reasons for doing so. Bottom line is that I was trying to manipulate others and force my will.
Seeing the exact nature of my wrongs really helped me to be willing to let go of these destructive tools and Let God.
Thanks to these Steps I am operating from my true self with trust in my HP The benefit is that I am now able to be kind, generous, compassionate, honest, courteous etc from within naturally without expectations of anything in return.
Hay Pushka...glad to hear you dont have to worry about court before christmas, and you can now take it easy with the lead up to the holidays.
I think some of my biggest character defects are also my assests just gone too far due to past experinces and finding ways to cope with an alcoholic or just toxic past relationships. Always trying to protect myself or my kids or homelife.
Like pinkchip says I have different Simmy's depending where or who i am with, ie work, dealing with customers or authority. For me when it comes to men in authority or who have power in a situation I will either show a very defensive person, or a kind, or friendly person. finding Al-anon one of the things i first learnt is I dont know who Simmy is what she likes what she wants and think she deserves this is my biggest journey she got left behind along time ago. So its nice that i can re-aquaint myself with myself.
Simone x
PS had to laught at pinks gay and fabulous 2000th post lol
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I don't think you have to worry about all the different Pushka's. I act different with different women and men. I don't think it is manipulative. I think it is dictated by getting work done or by societal expectations. I can be nice, be deferring, be pushy, be bitchy, be warm, be smiley, be firm, be snarly....... I think it is more the degree of whatever that I am that matters. And also that I KNOW how I am acting and I am real (not fake in my feelings). I think it comes from a feeling of knowing who I am but also of knowing where my dangers are and how to avoid or interact with those dangers. Basically I love all people, but I know that some people are dangerous and some are downright evil. I have to act accordingly to take care of myself.
Pinkchip, you are a fabulous gay guy!!! I'm proud to know you.
I apologize for making light of this but I had a crack up moment reading this because I'm pretty sure this is how my life goes: Parents: "Angel", Ex: "B****", Kids: "Drill Sergeant", Work: "Ms. Fixit", Friends: "Mischievous Goof".
I think some is normal but if you DO find your reactions are hampering you or being "used" then you're doing the right thing to look into it. Very cool. Men don't scare me but if I was confronted by a man yelling at my like my ex used to, it would without a doubt freeze me in my tracks.
Be gentle with yourself and I sure wish I had Al Anon while going through the tons of court dates my ex thought were fun to open. It was awful, the dread was horrible. I was definitely "reacting" back then.
I can tell you I don't like who I become when I find myself in these pressure situations. I agree with what everyone has shared there are different personas that help in different situations however .. I have seen some stuff in me I don't like in dealing in these relationships and my actions hurt me in how these men perceive me. My STBAX doesn't have a clue as to who I am or what makes me tick .. I don't think he ever did or ever wanted to know I have g/f's who laugh and say OMGosh .. has the man met you recently?! This is over stuff he does now forget about the things that are in the past. It was really an awakening moment for me to go hmmm .. this is extremely interesting and why do I feel this way, what I am looking to gain out of this behavior out of me? I did not like my answers that I came up with, it was ARRGGGHHH .. really God .. you are so not funny sitting in court having this AHA moment is so not funny!!
I have already chosen to do a few things differently in terms of, I don't need to call my atty yesterday like I thought I did because I already have an appointment with him scheduled before court. Whatever we need to address is going to come out at that point. I have also decided no more dealing with STBAX .. I will not be discussing anything else with him unless it's in terms of emergencies with the kids. That boat has sailed and it's going to cost me anyway sooooo .. let the atty do it. I will address everything I need in the next few weeks in one letter that will be discussed next meeting. Outside of that I am going to let the chips fall where they will. I feel very much ok with that, I have no need to contact him and when he drops the kids off tonight I will absolutely be pleasant .. there is no way we are talking about anything outside of me handing him a suitcase saying have fun with the kids this weekend. The kids have already stated what their needs and wants are, pretty much they are old enough to tell him what they want and need from him that will be on him. They each have Xmas programs coming up and I told them they will have to ask him to go and let him know the times and so on. I'm not going to be involved all of this information has been going home and to his place for 8 weeks now if he can't be bothered to look .. not my issue.
It is very interesting to me though that all of a sudden have this major calm about everything so I have no idea what that is about. I will take it. After all the feeling may pass as soon as it came at least I know what it's like .. and I really really like it!! I know if I did not have Alanon right this second I would be one hot mess and thank you thank you thank you I might be a mess from time to time .. it's so not a hot mess .. no one likes to be a hot mess .. lol!
Hugs and thank you for the wonderful ESH!! P :)
I enjoyed the giggles I got and to know I'm not alone in my multiple personalities .. lol!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think it's great that you're ready to work the 4th and 5th steps. If it feels like the right time for that, it likely is then. Keep showing up, you're doing great. Maybe your higher power could come to court with you? To thine own self be true. (((Hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
