The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ah my mom, I love her with every ounce of my being. She is getting old, she is getting forgetful and a little cranky. I am extremely forgiving.
There is an issue that's been coming up a LOT lately. Short background - she and her mother never talked between the time she was 30 and the time her mom died (about age 35 for my mom). But my mom and I have a great relationship even with this "issue".
More and more I am getting the comments "you never talk to me" " you never call me" "we never get to talk".
First I feel no obligation to feel guilty for this it is not making me "feel bad". She was and still is a stay at home parent (now just at home adult). My dad has cared for her entirely their whole marraige. So for now I dodge the topic, I simply pretend she is not saying it in hopes she will quit. Kind of like you do with kids to extinguish behavior.
I am a full time working single parent with 3 kids, one who lives down south so we talk on the phone nightly. I get up at 5:45am, get everyone ready, head out at 7:15, work from 8:00-5:00, pick up my youngest from daycare at 5:45ish, go home, do dinner/homework/baths, get youngest in bed, do chores, housework, laundry, cleaning, talk to my middle son on the phone for 15 minutes and crawl in bed. 5 days a week. My weekends I run errands, take time for myself, call her when I can and also still have kids to take care of and way more chores on the weekends.
She knows all this, she's even been at my house a few times and once remarked "I know why you never answer the phone now".
I can't change her and I think part of this is just forgetfulness and she's feeling her mortality after the cancer. I call her about once a week. I email her, we are on facebook and so she knows everything going on and I know what's going on with her.
Do I just continue to try and extinguish this and let it go, which I am happy to do - or would it be "standing up for myself" to lovingly say "mom please remember how busy my life is, you are in my thoughts constantly and I keep in touch with you as much as humanly possible for me"?
Having a hard time with the motive thing here. It feels like I'm trying to change her to say that and I know she won't and I understand her feelings in this. But... it's getting on my nerves because now it's with every single email or phone call more than once. I'm a big girl I can figure out how to let it go if I just take the time..
Hmmm... yes, ESH... out of Alanon I am learning to manage all sorts of things... family always manage to tug at the heart strings- to call back the person we really are, and sometimes to touch on old wounds and old experiences. I am proud to be a part of something, ASM, where you can share as you do. You are saying it mostly, as it is, and moving along, with your life- being a witness to this is awesome! Take care- DavidG.
My hat is off to you. I think I got more steamed reading about it than you do experiencing it.
And I know you are what you said--a big girl who will figure it out.
And this just came to me, from Between Parent and Teenager, and it works with other people, too. It's just mirroring back what the person says. When she says, "You never talk to me," you could respond: "You don't feel you get to talk to me as much as you'd like." There's something magical about it--she will vent and may even talk herself out of it. It says I hear what you are saying. It doesn't say I agree or disagree, just I hear you. Kind of puts the ball back in her court. In the book, I remember a teenager came in the door with, "I hate Mr. Murphy! He hates me and I hate Math." Something to that effect. And the mother says "You are upset with Mr. Murphy!" And the child grouses and vents and talks himself down.
My husband had a boss once who was a sociopath, as far as I could tell. And I read him excerpts from Between Parent and Child, or Teenager pretty much the whole weekend. And on Monday he went in to see his boss about something and the man started raving and my husband said, "I see you are upset; I'll come back later." And headed for the door. And the boss climbed right down off his high horse and said, "No, no, no, don't leave," assumed a reasonable tone and things got a lot better from that point on.
"I hear that you are upset that we don't talk as much as you'd like." Then stop. It seems simplistic and how can it make a difference, but you might want to try it. I felt dumb the first few times I tried it. Now that I've reminded myself, I think I will start using that with DDH. Because it really can make a difference. It's fun to use with a child: "You feel that you never get to do/have whatever." You feel that everyone else's parents let them do whatever.
Thanks for the post.
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Not a bad idea Temple, thanks! In addition a friend gave me ESH idea to ask her if calling at 7:30am would be ok (one of my few quiet moments driving to work) and I did and she said "sure wake me up". Then another friend said 'well at their age they really do feel it's not enough'.
Do I just continue to try and extinguish this and let it go, which I am happy to do - or would it be "standing up for myself" to lovingly say "mom please remember how busy my life is, you are in my thoughts constantly and I keep in touch with you as much as humanly possible for me"?
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Dear AStongerMe
I like the above idea . I see that you are validating yourself and your mom by stating it. You acknowledge that you did hear her and that you love her dearly and are busy. The other idea of calling in the early AM is great as well.
