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I'm new to the board. I've been in Al-Anon for 2 years, separated from my now ex-husband for 2 years as well.
Nutshell/back-story: I met my ex-husband 16 years ago at an AA dance. I was very young and only 6 months sober. He wasn't my type and I didn't feel any chemistry, but I was trying to "change everything" as was suggested. I was being very literal and thought of slogans such as "My best thinking got me here." Of course, I didn't really know myself and didn't know my rights. I was told I was full of s*** by the old timers. My now ex was really domineering. I said I wasn't ready to marry and he kinda yelled at me and gave me an ultimatum. He browbeat me. Said I needed health insurance. I married him because I was trying to "do the right thing" and please him. The marriage felt weird, I was avoidant sexually because I just wasn't feeling it. We had 2 kids. I love them dearly and thank god for them.
After years of being successful (at least on paper, financially, etc) he relapsed. It was ugly...he ultimately went back to the drug he used as a teen: meth. Right? Enough said. It was bad. After some turmoil and a failed round of treatment, I sent him packing. He refused treatment, wouldn't provide clean urine, etc. so I divorced him. Joined Al-anon. Started to find myself for the first time, really. Things have been getting better, though it's been hard.
Meanwhile, the ex was going in and out of jail. Turns out he also is bipolar. He's finally in a court-operated treatment program. He's also been diagnosed with and being treated for bipolar disorder. Good for him. I am truly glad and grateful. So I'm trying to be supportive. But here's the thing: Now that he has a few months clean and is working a program, dealing with his mental illness and getting things together, he's decided that we "need to get back together." He insists that it is the right thing to do. At the same time, he blames me and shames me for breaking up the family and kicking him out when he was on meth and suicidal. Having a ment,al break, bipolar stuff. I, on the other hand, stand by my decision and don't regret it. I point-blank could not and will not ever have an active meth user in my home, end of story. I couldn't live with his active addiction. No way. So yeah, I divorced him.
So I he made the 3 hour trip to our city for a week long visit and I let him stay with us. He got permission from the courts. And he says he wants to get back together. His version of trying to win me back is blame, shame and self-pity. He tries to emphasize the idea that my 10-year old is having problems due to the divorce (my fault, according to him). He says that I can't and shouldn't raise them on my own. And he's basically telling me that if we don't get back together as a family unit, he will not "play the daddy-from-a-distance game." He says that parenting needs to happen from the home. And that if I'm not with him, I need to find another man and he will get out of the way. He knows that I'm WAY in favor of his being an active dad in their lives. He knows I want this badly. I want him to participate. And it feels to me like he's threatening me: that this needs to be his way or it's the highway. I feel like he's trying to manipulate me.
And it's hurting me, I'm feeling trapped. I'm feeling like the kids' lives are at stake. Maybe even his sobriety (NO! I know the three C's are right!). He's browbeating me just like he did back then before I agreed to marry. He's even kinda tried to kiss and snuggle up to me. I don't want to be mean, but it just disgusted me. I feel like he's laying an "I hate you, don't leave me" trip on me.
I know in my heart I have to tell him that there just isn't any way we'll ever be together again. And if that means I lose him as a friend and he disengages with the kids, that's on him. It just kills me. I'm so mad that he's doing this and isn't willing to simply be a co-parent doing all that he can. But he's black and white about it: one big happy family or damn it all to hell. I feel so guilty for thinking or saying this, but he's a jerk. He's mean. I'm mad at him!
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 5th of December 2012 08:07:28 AM
the first thing that came into my head while reading your share was to thy own self be true. Its a tough ride when someone tries to use our children to control a situation. Been there and its not nice. Its great that you can come here and vent when needed it has saved my sanity many times..lol. thanks for sharing with us. Glad you found us.
Big hugs and much support
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
My exAH says similar things and I used to hear that I left him when he needed me most. It was always about him and his needs and well I was exhausted and miserable. Thing is I am no longer and on my own I am free and enjoying life as are my kids. It took awhile and we all did counseling at first. I had to be true to myself and with Al-anon meetings, my sponsor, working the steps I have learned who I am, what I want and how to get there. I am getting a lot better at practicing self care/love and realize I can't save anyone, except myself. My kids are so much better with the healthier me, instead of having two sick parents. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Wednesday 5th of December 2012 12:01:07 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I agree with what Simone shared, ... something I have come to find is that if mama ain't happy no one is .. and how I interpret that saying is that if you are ok your kids are going to be ok.
I went through that with my dad and it was devesating to me as a young girl especially. I'm talking about the on and off again as far as seeing me when he wanted to and then going for years without seeing him.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Thanks for sharing your heart and the clarity that you have developed by working your program. From reading your post I could see that you have used the alanon tools well and that your name is very appropriate-. You certainly can
It sounds as if you have processed this situation very well . Refusing to be manipulated, examining your motives, and trusting HP it will all work out as it should. I believe that if you stay the coarse keeping the focus on yourself, living one day at a time, you will be fine.
My ex said the same type of things to me - bullying me to get me to do things HIS way - when my daughter was in counseling, he said I was sending everyone else to counseling and maybe it was ME that was the problem (in retort to my pleas for him to go to AA and not understanding that I was going through my own counseling of sorts through al-anon). OMG he would grasp at anything to make me feel like I was crazy, wrong, to blame, at fault for NOT wanting to go back into the insane life with him. You weren't one big happy family, right? yeah, mine did the same thing - according to him I threw away a good marriage - uh, might have been good for him because he drank and had fun while I did all the work and took all the bs, but it sucked for me because he drank and had fun while I did all the work and took all the bs.
There is manipulation and then there is bullying. "I won't play the daddy-from-a-distance game" - first of all, parenting isn't a game; second, well, then you "snooze you lose" - don't be a parent then. They will survive not seeing him much better than being a part of the sickness of the addiction game.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Heya - All I could think of while reading that was basically how you ended your post. I was thinking how your ex is still loaded with character defects and how in my recovery I always thought some relationship or fix it on the people in my life was the answer. The fix it was in how I thought and in my relationship with my HP. Sounds like your ex has some severe character defects in terms of control, manipulation, selfishness...etc. I know we are not supposed to take others' inventories, but I'm saying this with some compassion. Alcohol turned me into a shell of a person (I think you can relate cuz you are a double winner too). I can only imagine how twisted my brain would be on meth. It could literally turn him bipolar if he wasn't already due to the radical damage to one's neurobiology.
So anyhow, follow your instincts. You sound pretty grounded and your kids need a grounded parent. For all that time he spent relapsing, he will need years to stable out. You know this and he probably does on some level too.
Self-centered thinking and self-pity are likely motivating his behavior. More recovery is the answer to that - not self-will run rampant which is what you are describing. Just remember, you are dealing with a sick person (not an evil one per say) but beng bipolar and only a few months clean from meth....Did you expect him to be acting normal? Sounds like he still had serious issues at 16 years sober even...
That behavior is intended to make you feel as you do - crazy. It's purposeful in that when we start to believe what they say, we often give in and do what they say because "what if". I encourage you to not make any decisions right now. It's ok to say "I'm not ready to agree to this I need time". Go to meetings, read "getting them sober", read the Al Anon literature, arm yourself with the truth of the disease of addiction and the power is has to make us sick.
My ex husband was exactly as you describe, turns out he was just a dry drunk. After the divorce he became a full fledged alcoholic with the drinking included. His behaviors went from bad to worse. It's ok not to make any major decisions right now. You have the right to allow yourself time to think.
I learned after years of separation/divorce that my ex's threats were all hot air and he never followed through on a single thing. And, as a daughter of a man who "walked out of my life" at the age of 1, I thank him for doing so because he would have been an awful father and my mother ended up with an amazing man who adopted me and I adore like he was my birth father. In fact I confuse people because he is never referred to any anything else but.
Thanks everyone. It felt good being able to say that I was mad, to express that. Thanks to Alanon, I kept my cool with him. I did a pretty good job minding my P's and Q's durring his visit. Sure, I was utterly mental upstairs. But I kept my behavior in check. I did OK. I kept working my program. Continued to take personal inventory. Stayed connected. Turned it over to HP to the best of my ability. Wrote to a newcomer on-board and tried to carry the message. Because I have some experience and have something to offer. I can be of service.
Here's what I know:
1. My life is getting better now that I don't live with an active alcoholic/addict. Thanks to Al-Anon, I now start with ME. I think, "What can I do? How do I want to live?" I turn to my HP and try to trust. Trust HP, trust myself.
2. I get to choose how I want to live. I am responsible for myself. I'm really starting to trust myself.
3. I'm divorced now. I'm not responsible for him. I chose this. I'm glad I'm divorced. It's OK to be divorced and it's OK to be a single mom. Life is better! I like this life! I love my life!
4. He deserves the dignity to do without my meddling and my opinions. My part--I used "niceness" and "support" to try to facilitate and encourage the relationship between him and the kids. I tried to be the 'good guy,' the hero. To go above and beyond. Guess what? That's not my job and it's not my business. I don't want to live like that. In Al-Anon, we learn a new way. We learn to check our motives. If we are being "nice" and "supportive" because we want to control, well...we stop that madness. That's just old behavior. I can control myself. I can be responsible for myself. And my kids. End of story.
5. My ex-husband has his own HP. He has a program, a sponsor. Good for him. He is where he is. I don't have to put my trust in him, but I trust that he has a Higher Power to turn to. It's best if I stay out of his way. He gets to choose what kind of relationship he wants with the kids. It's up to him. I need to let go of that and simply focus on being the kind of mom to my kids that I want to be.
I need this program. I'm so glad I'm here. Thank you for helping me stay true to myself and stay true to the principles of this program.
