Scared - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Scared

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you it helps so much to have someone to talk to ( write ). That's why I need a sponsor really bad. I'm doing the what if's.....what's going to happen to him when he gets out of detox. He has lost his place to live. I know I know its not my problem and I also know I will not help him but I worry and get scared.

Yes I could not take the calls but I always feel bad when I don't. He is not in a relapse.....he was active for a every long time. Since I quit the enabling he is broke and soon to be homeless. He understands I will not enable him anymore so its me thinking about his problems. I can only be strong, get help from MIP and Al-anon so that he will know he is at his end and might seek help.

At that make or break point in his life and mine.

God please help me to understand what I'm doing and continue to tell me why I'm doing this....I forget sometimes. God help me to take care of me and I will give him to you. Amen
Cathy

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As "Getting them Sober " states. If you get out of the way and let them take care of their own problems, they have a 80% better chance of seeking help and getting sober.

I'm getting better now.....you can forget everything in a instant......the mind is nuts.....at least mine is LOL. Now I worry about his belongings....what's he going to do with them?

Sorry ....back to work and getting to a meeting fast.

Hugs

Cathy

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Tuesday 4th of December 2012 03:45:32 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Its funny how you can go from one day being OK to the next SCARED. I missed a call from my son ( in detox ) and all of a sudden I'm scared to death of him or what he might say.

Oh I didn't get a sponsor yet but will try tonight. I'm a big chicken lol

Hugs

Cathy

Zimmy · Senior Member

hugs Cathy

I so understand what your saying about one day being ok and then bam your back to feeling scared or fearful. Its hard to stop the thoughts going crazy sometimes. I know how my imagination can go into overdrive and think the worst, try and i know its hard to stop the what if's and turn it around to what if not, he may just want to be checking in with you to let you know he's ok. you never know lol. try not to work yourself up about something you dont know. Your doing great, serenity prayer all the way lol.

Lots of support and hugs, and i hope you get your sponsor.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Would it be ok if you did not take calls from him at all? I know my sponsor as well as my ex ABF brother both recommended zero contact for an extended period post relapse. It snags us into the disease again when we do. It needs you to care about the disease and want to know all about how the disease is doing. It's sickness though.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, they wont discharge him to the streets in all likelihood. They may call you and ask you to pick him up and you might have to be prepared to say "no." This is going to be touch and go for him even if he does start recovery. The first year is really challenging and what you are describing is a pretty low bottom drunk since he hasn't been living up to adult responsibilities for quite some time (maybe never?).

I was a big cry baby that called my parents several times a month to bail me out of jams due to my drinking and my partner's too. I always had a job but was about to lose it. I stumbled into AA when I was so so low and so empty. I was totally full of drama and would talk anyone's ear off about all my "problem" and I saw myself as a giant victim. It took a few years to progress out of that. This is why it will help you to work on your relationship with your HP. I can tell you that only my HP could tranform me from that weak, complaining, emotionally immature, victim, martyred person. My mom and dad would have given their life savings to see it happen (and they did give me a lot) but their money never helped me at all. I know I put them through hell with having to be the 1 kid out of 3 that they had to worry about still even when I was well into my 30s. They had grandkids by then but couldn't fully enjoy just being grandma and grandpa to my sisters' kids because they still had a grown arse baby of a son. I did not know that the solution would come from working a spiritual program consistently, having a sponsor, doing the steps, and slowly growing up. It was painful and if mom and dad had moved down (thank god I live 1000 miles away) and babied me, I would have probably not plunged full force into recovery like I did.

I did it because I knew if I messed up again after moving out on my own, I would fall flatter on my face than ever before. It's going to be difficult to watch no matter what, but it's ultimately less painful than what will happen if you enable (which is that he will slowly kill himself right in front of your face). Your HP is your best solace. This is out of your control and worrying is a waste of your imagination.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

He always said something about the Salvation Army helping him so he is thinking. He has a BA degree in Computer Science working for Godaddy.com with 65 employees under him. 4 years ago is when it all went downhill. Lost job and has never recovered. Lost home, friends and girlfriend. Only has personal belongings and a car left. Has been drinking since then with a couple times sober because once in jail for a DUI ( 4 months ) and once when he was doing good with AA but fell off. The God thing is his problem. I have spent 70 grand enabling him and I stopped finally because it didn't do any good. He could sell his car and computers and keep himself off the streets for a few more months but he says he doesn't want to....go figure. I guess he will think again when he out in the cold. His belongings are worth about 8 months rent if he is really serious on getting well with a good program and going back to work to stay out of trouble. He thinks he has ruined his life and will never be able to work because of the DUI.. (felony ) I'm sorry but there are jobs out there for everyone if you try hard enough. He's off probation and all fines paid...by me.
Min. wage will keep a roof over his head. But he's to good for that. Did get one job at Wal-mart but it only lasted 2 months. Can't go to work drunk.

It's now coming to a head and I have to, with all my being, not help him. If I do its all for not. I am praying every minute right now asking God to give me the strength to let go and him take care of it no matter how bad it gets. It's so hard when you love someone so much....my child...even my 35 year old child.

Thank you for all the support....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon remember one day or one hour at a time. I used to picture A in a huge Hand, hp's hand. We don't have any control over them. I like the Let go and Let God. Take a breath and love your son. He has to make his own decisions.

Many after detox do ninety meetings in ninety days or more!

If we can learn to go on and live, and leave our A to our HP, it goes much easier. You are doing all you can and are on the right path.

That is alll his stuff not yours. He is not his disease, he is still the boy you love with all his passions.

I stopped looking at their disease and gave it up. Then I focused on the A.

Glad you are hanging in here! Love,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy - you painted a clear picture. "Helping" is when you help someone do good. He has not been doing good. Hence, you would be assisting him to do bad and he seems capable of doing that without you throwing money at him. You have this sorted out and you seem to know your motives. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to act counter to your maternal instincts which would be to protect your child, but even labeling your assistance as "helping" is not good for your mind. It will be a while and will take a whole lot of recovery before you could know that giving him anything other than love will "help" him or not.

The "God thing" well....I dunno. I reached a point with my own alcoholism where I was like "I really don't care. I will believe whatever or at least try and believe whatever if it is going to help me." I guess I believed in God, but I thought God either didn't care for me or was punishing me. When I came into AA, I basically was so low that I would have sat in a room full of bible bangers, orthodox jews, hindus...whatever and I would not have cared if it was giving me hope and some solution to my alcholism and the misery I was in. I suspect he was at that point before when he was doing well in AA, then he snatched his will back and turned himself into the tragic victim again.

He could even go to AA meetings and rage at God for a while and be angry....people will love him there. Believing in "God" is not essential. Just believing in the process, the meetings, and other recovering people is the biggest thing at first. They often say "GOD" can equal Good Orderly Direction, or the Group Of Drunks. It is also a Gift Of Desperation which is where I was since I had nothing left to believe in and really felt I had nowhere else to go other than AA.

Anyhow, most folks do not come into AA feeling God rays shining upon them. If that was the case, nobody would ever get to AA. We come into AA (and alanon too) feeling beat down and questioning God most of the time. Hence, he is not unusual and it's the self-sabotaging nature of the disease that has him wrecking himself and then doubting whether there is a God.

I'm only sharing all this cuz it's just how my recovery worked and I guess I'm hoping more knowledge is useful. This is from my AA experience though. You are getting much better ESH regarding Alanon from other folks on the board. BUT - the longer I stick around here and alanon in general - the more similarities I see. A bottom is a bottom whether drugs and/or alcohol are involved or not. Alanon is for YOU to find peace, serenity, solace, fellowship, support, and spirituality. If you plunge yourself into it, that is what you will get out. Just like I went to AA thinking "I just want to stop drinking and not be in so much pain," I believe folks come to alanon saying/thinking "I just want to stop obsessing over my (qualifier)" or maybe "I just want to help him/her stop drinking" but what they get out of it if they really commit is all those things I stated. Hence, while in the litter crapstorm as far as your son is concerned, don't lose sight that your HP is taking care of you, wants you to be happy, has mercy for you and will not give you more than you can handle. Keep seeking help out from others cuz this is more than any one person could deal with on their own. If 70 thousand dollars couldn't put a dent in it in addition to all your love and well wishes, only your HP or his can fix it if it's meant to be.

Praying for your peace of mind and for your son.

P.S. - Not to speak for others, but I think folks are really pulling for you here because we can see you working a program REALLY hard. You are showing up eager to soak up knowledge and take suggestions. Hence, you are basically in the perfect mindset for this all to begin working for you. Others take so so so long to just get where you are at right now in terms of seeking direction and taking it and being open to a spiritual connection. So while I empathize so much regarding your son, I feel excited for you because you are learning, growing, and are going to reap benefits from your alanon involvement as long as you keep working it.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

God has given me a great gift here on MIP. Miracles do happen to you when you ask and work hard for it.

Everything I read yesterday and worked the program gave me the messages I needed to hear at that moment and gave me peace and took away the fear.

It Works if you Work it!!!!

You all are a God sent

Much love and prayers for us all in our journey
Cathy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.