The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi - I just found this board today and am looking for help for myself, not for my fiance. We've been together for two years and our wedding will be next August. I've spent the last year trying to convince myself that he just "likes to drink" or he "needs to relax". But after another weekend of binging I am facing it. He doesn't drink during the week if he's working, he doesn't miss work because of his drinking, he can even abstain a weekend here or there, but he is an alcoholic. He drinks about a fifth on each weekend night. He used to try to get me to "party" with him - and I do have a drink now and then - but I've finally convinced him that drinking more than that contributes to my migraines (which it does).
He's a different person when he drinks, and I don't like that person very much. He's a happy drunk, he doesn't get mean or violent. But he says insensitive things that hurt my feelings. Things that he would never say sober. He blames his drinking on his childhood, on his parents. He had a physically abusive mother and his father stresses him out (his words). I'm having less sympathy for him because hearing this repeatedly makes me think - these are his excuses. I try to remember what I've read - that this is a disease - but I have a hard time wrapping my head around absolving him of any responsibility. I guess that's not really what I'm supposed to do either. He's responsible for his choices, right?
As I said I am here to get help for myself. He will have to help himself if he chooses to. I love him and I've made a life commitment to him. The fact that the wedding hasn't happened yet is really immaterial to me at this point. I don't nag him about his drinking. And the only fights we have had are when he's been drunk. He's a wonderful man otherwise. I'm contemplating a conversation soon with him where I tell him my concerns. From what I have read, I should just drop it after that and let him decide his path.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here other than people who understand what I'm going through. I'm hesistant to speak to friends/family about it because we all know how people judge. How do you handle it when your partner says unkind things that he would never say sober then doesn't remember it the next day?
I came here 10 months ago very much in love with a sweet man who was trying to fight through his recovery. He very much wants to be sober, he does go to AA and he's a great guy when he's sober. I got a lot of great sharing and people encouraging me to think through getting further in the relationship.
I want to encourage you to read "Getting them Sober".
I sadly had to call an end to it a month or so ago. I would not do it again. I did not know the power of the disease at the time. It doesn't stay at the level we walk into it, it grows until it is stopped. It gets worse. I still love this man but I love myself enough not to have a second lifetime of misery. My first marriage was to a "dry drunk" (all the behaviors, none of the drinking) and it was 15 years I will never get back and I thank God I met him because he's the reason I want to better myself and I have 3 beautiful boys from that.
None of us can tell you what is right or wrong for you. We can encourage you to learn and take care of yourself exactly as you have stated and that is first and foremost the best thing you can do. With that will come personal growth. And I like to follow along with the more seasoned members here and recommend you get to a face to face meetings as well.
So sorry to hear what you are dealing with. You must keep in mind a few important things. You cannot control his drinking or cure it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse without treatment.
Therefore, you MUST take care of yourself. I second reading the book Getting Them Sober.......the title is not what you think. And go to your local Al-Anon meetings. Learn about the disease. Read. Look online for the Al-anon piece called Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial........this is what will happen if you do not get the help YOU need, which will in turn give your alcoholic the best chance of recovery.
Most of us likely cringe when we hear of someone early in a relationship dealing with the beginnings of alcoholism. Most of us were there where you are now, but didn't get the knowledge and help we needed early on. Therefore, most of us here suffered greatly as the disease progressed in our loved ones and as our own minds became progressively sicker. So good on you to find us here and post your story:)
I wish I knew then what I know now is what I am trying to convey.. You are at my then right now. Now go find YOUR answers through self education, the love, fellowship, and comfort of Al-Anon, this board, etc. You are doing the right thing.
You can't absolve him of any responsibility. No, not ever. Think of it like someone who has seizures but if they take their medicine they are symptom free. What would you think of that person if they said they were not going to take their medicine and then they came into your home and trashed it with their seizures. You would be sad, you would have sympathy and compassion for the illness, but you would still be pretty angry about what their decision did to your house.
An alcoholic's medicine is to not drink and to go to AA to work on the issues that make them think that a drink is the right thing to do. If he is sick and refuses to take his medicine, what does that say?
This disease is progressive. Get help for yourself. It is possible to live around it if you get help to learn how to protect yourself. I lived with it for 29 yrs. of marriage and 4 kids. But don't do what I did and do it alone. I didn't know AlAnon existed. Now that I found AlAnon life is so much better.
I found all the help I ever needed in face to face Al-anon meetings, here at MIP and meeting with my sponsor. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews also helped me become very aware of myself and my A's. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Something I wish someone had asked me, I take no credit for the question, was if I knew right now nothing was going to change could I accept the situation as it is. The only person I'm ever going to change is me. I've learned that very slowly here and at f2f meetings. I hope you will keep coming back. You are worth it!! You are also not alone. Hugs p ;)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow - thank you so much for all of your responses. It's an incredible feeling to not feel alone in this anymore with my fears. I will definitely get a copy of the book you recommend and find a meeting in my area to attend soon!
It is great that you are seeking support. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but from my experience you will experience constant ups and downs. My husband can be the greatest guy on earth for months and then things will suddenly change and he will turn into a complete stranger. Someone I greatly dislike and at times fear. It seems like it should be so easy to just walk away but it is that hope that those good times will soon return that has kept me from leaving after 10 years of enduring all the pain and heartache. I have recently started attending al anon meetings and I wish I would have gone years ago. It has helped me so much knowing there are others going through similiar situations. Right now my husband and I are what I would consider the lowest point we have ever been at. I'm still struggling with trying to stop myself from focusing on healing and changing him and focus on my own recovery in this dysfunctional relationship. I think the verbal abuse is the worst thing about this disease. My husband will say the most of awful and hurtful things to me and act shocked when I confront him about it the next day. He always denies he has said any of the hurtful statements and this makes me more upset. I'm really trying to focus on controlling my own emotions and reactions in this situation.
