The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My younger sister has been an alcoholic since she was 16. She is now 49 and that is a lot of years with alcoholic thinking. Nevertheless I constantly personalize her behavior and want to change her and obsess about being triggered by her.
As she lives at some distance our contact is intermittent at best. In the last month(s) I have not been in contact with her at all. The last few times I contacted her I have been enormously triggered by her denial and sense of "fantasy" about my father. The issue is that on the one hand I can say quite categorically that I know she is an alcoholic and has alcoholic thinking. And on the other hand I want this fantasy sister I never had and I will rage on and on and on about it until I die if I don't get it. In some ways I live in as much fantasy as she does. I will "make her" get out of alcoholism, go through all the recovery I have just to have her there for me! When I look at it like that I can see the reality but there are some days I am stuck on grief and rage so much there is not room for anything else. I dont' detach until it kills me. My health has been severely compromised in recent years and I know there is a somatic element to it. So I am trying to honor my body's limits and learn how to detach earlier and with peace and kindness for me rather than punishing myself day and night because the fact she is an alcohlic reflects on me. Of course it doesn't but I see it all my own skewed way till seeing it that way almost slays me or makes me paralyzed with fear, rage and willfullness.
(((maresie))) I hear you. I have the same kind of relationship at times with my parents. Want from them what I can't have. But as my sponsor tells me, they weren't born with the desire to wreak havoc on my life, and I wasn't born with the willful rage I sometimes have, demanding from them what they can't give. It's unintentional on both sides, but it happens, and it is what it is.
I know those rages hurt me more than anyone else, too. Still, it's hard to let go of the image, huh? I heard once, though, that we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. I think that's true. I try to remind myself of that when I stare at my mother in disbelief sometimes. I see her I want her to be, not how she is. She sees me in the same light. Like two magnets, opposing each other. The only way to come together is for one to let go and realign itself. More often than not, now, that's me. And I'm getting to be okay with it. Some days..lol.
I think that they call that emeshment when we take someone else's problems, etc. on. I certainly do that with my A husband. Have you heard of the book about Terry McGovern? I think it is called Terry by George McGovern. Gosh, I hope I have that right. It was very helpful to me in understanding long term drinking and it's impact on the family. Gave me alot of insights. As they say here, focus on yourself.
I certainly came to understand recently how enmeshed my family of origin still is. I have two sisters. One is an overbearing rage filled, entitled elder sister the other the alcohol guzzling, fantasy making younger sister. The irony is that when I started to confront (with myself not with her) that my younger sister lived in fantasy I saw how my own fantasies totally controlled my life. I am either in fantasy, wanting to be in fantasy, using fantasy to beat myself up and lots more. Then I started to be able to see people as they "are" rather than what they project or I project on them. Of course I still dabble in fantasy..how could I not. I just began to look at it.
Think Pixie could relate to you.... maybe read her post again.
What I hear, from you, is confusion, and, maybe, some counselling speak? sometimes that leaves us more mixed up than before. In my experience, the only people who truly understand what it means to be a relative of an alcoholic are other relatives of alcoholics.
Please keep coming here, and to the chatroom, whatever your problems, you can be sure, someone here has experienced them too, and will be willing to share with you.
Face to face meetings saved my sanity. That may sound dramatic, but, it is true, I had no-where else to turn, and, I found in f2f, people who had experienced the same things as me, and, many times, much worse, but, they had found a way to live their lives.
Thank you so much for posting, that is a brave thing to do! You will get through this, maybe slower than you would like, one step at a time, but, you have many friends here who care about you.
Flora: I dunno I think that anyone who grew up in my family would be confused. I am not confused about having boundaries with my family of origin. I have enough stuff to deal with without adding more. I did get a card from my sister (the younger one) but I did not have a reaction to it. I have chosen not to initiate contact at this time. Right now I am dealing with some memories of my adolescence and they are extremely painful but I realise that I have related to people a lot from being an adolescent rather than an adult. These days I'd rather be an adult. I realise that means owning reality and while my reality is better it is not that much better on many many levels. I have a lot of work to do on self care and other issues.
I do create a lot of place to go with my rage/grief/issues and for that I am very grateful. The days of having nowhere to go are gone.
