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I'm not even sure how to begin a post like this, because it's something I never thought I would have to do. I've been with my fiancee, Greg, for 4 years now. We have been engaged for just under four months. Greg grew up in a very dysfunctional household and his parents were rarely around, leaving him able to do whatever he wanted, so his drinking began at a very early age. His family has a severe history of alcoholism, both on his fathers and his mothers side. Several of his uncles, his mother, his father, his grandmother.. some of them are functioning alcoholics and others have screwed up their entire lives because of drinking.
Greg has always liked to drink since I met him, but I haven't actually thought of it as a problem until recently. I think being engaged to him is really what made me stop turning the other cheek to some of his destructive behavior. I used to let things go, and pretend he 'just liked to drink' like he always says. But now that I am planning a wedding, it's making me think twice about whether or not I can truly deal with this forever.
He has never hit me while drinking, though he has grabbed me very roughly by the arm twice. When we drink at parties, he frequently has too much and gets to the point of being belligerent and sometimes blackout drunk. When he gets to the point of being extremely drunk, any negative comments I make about how much he's had to drink is usually followed by a horrible fight. He can't stand when I talk down on him for drinking, so in return he is extremely verbally abusive. He calls me every name in the book, tells me he hates me, tells me we're over... In the morning he never remembers saying it and when I bring up what he said and how he acted he is only apologetic about half of the time. The other half of the time he asks me 'what I said to start the fight' and says that if I had just shut up about his drinking the fight wouldn't have started. This doesn't happen very often, maybe once a month, every other month, and sometimes we go longer without this occurring. But in 4 years when i've heard 15 times how much of a bitch I am and that he hates me, its really starting to wear me down. He is never verbally abusive like this while sober, except one time when we were fighting about his drinking and he said all of the same things (and then apologized in the morning).
Over the last 2 years, we started going to parties less and less, which I was thankful for. However, his drinking at home heavily increased. He started drinking every night before he went to bed to 'relax' from the day. In 2 years he has gone from 1-2 drinks a night to 5-6, sometimes more. Nowadays he never starts drinking until I am asleep because "he's so sick of me nagging him about it," so he could be having more than I think. But on the nights where I stay up late and he drinks in front of me, its always somewhere in the number of 5 or 6. He EASILY finishes a half gallon (1.75L) in a week, 8 or 9 days if he's lucky. Whenever I bring it up, it always starts a huge fight and he gets extremely defensive. He always says "he pays his bills on time, it doesn't interfere with his going to work, he doesn't drink during the day, and he is drinking at home so there's no risk of DUI." He has no idea why i'm so afraid of his drinking.
No matter how many times I explain to him that his family history means he's even more at risk of becoming an alcoholic, and that his tolerance has increased since we began dating, he won't listen to me. He just looks at me like the nagging fiancee who's worried about nothing. Every time we fight about it, I go to bed angry because nothing I say gets through to him, and then just forget about it the next day. It never comes up again until the next time I stay up late and see him drinking that much.
I can't even begin to explain how afraid I am for his health, and our future. I feel lost and I don't know how to get him to listen to me. He refuses to take any alcoholism quizzes or read any websites.
I've been reading horror stories all night about men who started out just like greg, and 20 years down the road their wives are left picking up the pieces and wondering why they didn't do anything to stop it. I can't let myself ignore this problem any longer.
Welcome. There really isn't anything you can do to stop him from drinking. Alcoholism is progressive. There may be more drinks, blackouts and fallouts due to alcohol unless your fiance' chooses to abstain permanently. It's a long and hard road for a spouse of an unrecovered alcoholic. The alcohol and behaviors you described have no discretion. Alcoholics continue to drink whether it's a special occassion, you're sick with the flu or are looking for love and empathy because you just lost your job. You'll have to think about whether you really want to marry him if he hasn't chosen a program of sobriety.
Either way, Alanon is for any of us who is being affected by someone else's drinking. Face to face meetings can help for feeling less alone. People in the program understand and are caring. Finding a sponsor for yourself will give you someone to call who you can trust with your confidences and who will guide you through the 12 steps of the program. Whether you choose to go forward with your fiance' or go your own way, Alanon is really a wonderful way to learn to honor ourselves first and live a happy and healthy life.
I hope you'll keep coming back here to share with us. This is a great recovery board. Katie... people do get sober, there's always hope but giving them ultimatums never works. You're fiance needs to want it for his own sake because he feels he's had enough and it's ruining HIS life.
We will lovingly support you in your choice. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
We all here feel your pain. It is a terrible thing to sit and watch a loved one go down this path. A few things for you: It is a disease. He had no control over it. Its just like if he had diabetes. You did not cause this (that is the easy one for me to accept), you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. The last two are the hardest ones to accept. Stop counting, policing, whatever you want to call it on his drinking. When he is sober, tell him your concerns about his drinking. Do NOT expect that this will change his behaivor. It won't. From then on, don't mention it at all. You wouldn't continue to say things to him about his disease if he had cancer or diabetes, so don't do it here. Then do what is best for YOU. There are times when I can be around my wife when she is drinking and it is ok. Other times I simply cannot, so I go into another room and watch TV, surf the web (get on here), take a walk, go to the gym, etc, etc. A good read is the book "Getting Them Sober". Keep coming back. This board has saved my sanity many times.
Sorry to hear what your going through. Tough isnt it? Sounds to me that your out of denial and once out of it it leaves a hard place to be in. I have been where you are and the anger and abuse you get is because the person with the drink problem doesnt or cant deal with it. Best form of defence is attack and to be honest I dont think the abuse stops with an active alcoholic it gets worse. The more you try and make them them see what is in front of them the worst it gets. as hdftby mentioned the 3 c's you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it. Sure people recover but it is only when they want to and usually when they have lost the things that they hold dear.
I love my alcoholic boyfriend but the lies, the violence and the mental abuse have really taking there toll. You have some big desicions ahead, get yourself to a face to face meeting if you can, and read as much as you can but loving an alcoholic is a hard road to travel.
I really beleived in the early days that my abf could stop drinking, cut back etc, but in the end he just hid it more and more and i started finding bottles everywhere. Alcoholism doesnt mean that they dont love their loved ones but the compulsion to drink will be stronger than the love around them to stay sober. He needs to want to stop and to find recovery.
This is just my opinions, but the disease progresses it doesnt stay where it is it takes more and more.
Glad you have found us. Take care of you
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
you are right, but in the heat of the moment I can't help but to fight with him. Every time he tells me how stupid I am for not realizing that it's not a big deal I get so angry that he doesn't see what he's doing. I've done the ultimatum thing and he told me that in a choice between me and alcohol, alcohol would win. Not because he loves alcohol more than me, he just doesn't want me to control him like that.
So you are right, there isn't anything I can do. I have a huge decision to make. Its unfortunate that we have lived together for the last 3 years, and most of our possesions we bought together. Also we have a dog that I love like a child and I know he wouldn't give him up without a fight. I do not make enough money to support myself on my own. But I know these are not good enough reasons to stay with him but my family does not live near me so I feel so stuck...
there is an alanon meeting close by tonight at 8 p.m., I think I might go
I really hope you make it to that meeting and many more in your future. I can relate to your share nad you definitely qualify. Meetings, MIP and my sponsor helped me to find my voice my power and know what to do with them. I am glad you found us! I am sending you much support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Katey, I read this this morning but didn't have time to respond. I wanted to write back cuz I feel for you and had some thoughts. First off, I don't think you need to be wondering if he is BECOMING an alcoholic. What you described IS an alcoholic not someone becoming an alcoholic. I can tell you to skip all the quizzes and what not.....not that he was following your suggestions anyhow.
I'm only saying this so that you acknowledge what you are dealing with. What you described is a classic full blown alcoholic. "High functioning" is relative. I was a "High functioning" alcoholic I guess. He is arguing all the same things I did. The consequences pile up slowly over time. He is stating there have been none but I will tell you that relationships being strained and falling apart (like you are describing) is the first thing to go. Next comes work functioning, then physical functioning. The relationship he has with you is already being severely strained and that IS a serious consequence of drinking. He's saying it's hurting nobody but it's hurting him and you because it massively impairs your ability to have an adult reciprocal intimate relationship. Hence, there are already serious consequence and damage that are being minimized and overlooked.
Your intuitions are good and it's hard to follow them when you want so bad to believe that the problem is not as bad as it is, PLUS you have the alcoholic constantly telling you (even arguing) that there is no problem.
There is a problem. A big one. He isn't becoming an alcoholic. He is one. What you do with that knowledge is up to you. All the above suggestions regarding you going to alanon are like gold. You won't figure out all the answers for you overnight. The answers wont be ones which help or cure his alcoholism either. Alanon will help you find the answers, support, and spiritual connection to make decisions you can live with, to stop obsession and to move foward with some faith.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 3rd of December 2012 09:21:20 PM
I KNOW it is easier said then done, but the arguement pretty much always ends the same way, right? You will get to the point you will start to think this before the arguement really gets going. So, if you knew the end result before something happened and it wasn't good, would you change that?
Also, remember this disease feeds on the arguements, fights, attention. Sometimes it is hard to ignore, but try and starve it. My logic is if alcoholism feeds on attention, maybe lack of attention to the disease starves it? It becomes harder as the disease starts to make emotional pleas (the crying, hurt from the alcoholic, emotional pleas) but this is a road the alcoholic travels alone (meaning NOT with us, but with a program on their own.) Also, you have your own road of recovery to travel because we are all sick ourselves. We have the emotional scars. Over the last year my AW has inflicted some emotional hurt on me I will never forget. We have been married 16 years. This is new to me/us. She has not accepted help, but I pray for her every day. That is as much as I can/should do to help her. Nothing has to be decided right now. Take it one day at a time. Keep coming back. I do and trust me it does help with the support from all of us. It always amazes me how when I am struggling there are complete strangers here who come to my aid and somehow seem to say the exact thing I need to hear to help me. It is a lifelong struggle. But the lessons I am learning (and I am a work in progress) I find I can apply to other areas in my life as well. Say some of the things you get here to yourself. Every day when I am driving home I recite the 3 C's to myself. For me it makes it easier to walk through the door to the unknown. I was so glad last week I had done that when I waled through he door and the ife said first thing "Just do you know I am drinking a bottle of wine tonight."
The thing I love about this board is in the middle of the night when I am struggling or no one is around to talk to, I can always come here and post and read.
Thank you for sharing your story. So so familiar to me. It so often plays out the same way. I am married 18 years, just recently separated from my AW.
You say you have read some horror stories......I too just read one........yours! It hurts me inside to read what you are going through.
"What should I do?"
Educate yourself. Seek out Al-Anon meetings. Read this board. Take care of you. Your fiancee is well on his way to a terrible ending. Will your ending also be terrible? it doesn't have to be. You must learn that you are powerless over alcohol. You don't cause him to drink, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Only by you seeking help for yourself will he have any chance whatsoever of finding recovery. Also, please read this.........http://www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm. Very powerful, and I would bet dimes to doughnuts this is you.
Also I must add that him grabbing you by the arm roughly twice is a very bad omen. Just feeling unsafe in a relationship is so corrosive to your health and well-being. If you feel unsafe, you ARE and in danger.
I wish you the best. I hope you find peace in your journey.
