The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my mother has been an alcoholic (high functioning) for as long as I can remember. My sisters and I were raised to enable her and keep her secret. When approached, she would become defensive and deny any wrong doing. Every couple of years my father would have an "intervention" where by he would tell her what she had to do (seek couselling, go to church, volunteer etc) which she would do for a while and then the pint bottles would start showing up in her closet again. My father is in his own denial and is codependent. After the last "intervention" I sought out real help and am now free from living an enabling life. I didn't realize the effect it had on my own, and was very close to following down the same path as my mother. Of course my mother never stopped drinking, she's just getting better at hiding it. My father and sister found pint bottles in her uniform pockets, and even one in her car. Because my father is codependent and is trying to control her disease (he hasn't acutally approached any real medical professionals, but has outlined a treatment plan for her...he's an acountant) he becomes extremely defensive, and verbally abusive when you don't follow/agree with what he has planned for her.
So, long story short, I've just had enough. I emailed an ulitmatum to my mother..which I'm sure my father probably deleted, and haven't spoken to them since. I'm tired of alcohol being more important than me, and I'm tired of worrying about my mother drinking and driving with my neice and nephew who lives with them (along with my sister).
Christmas is coming up and my husband and I will be home for the holidays. Usually we go to my parents for Christmas Eve, and the spend Christmas with his parents. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but really have no desire to spend any time with them. Firstly, I don't want to put myself in a situation whereby my father could have an opportunity to try and excercise some type of authority over me, and realistically, I just don't want the drama over the holidays.
So, I need help in how I should handle this. My intention is not to hurt their feelings, but no matter what I do they will both turn it into something they can feel sorry for themselves about. Kind of damned if I do damned if I don't, and I don't want there to be any tension in the house around the kids.
One of the first things i learnt in al-anon is that I have choices, I can set boundries that make me feel safe and out of situations that i dont feel comfortable. Not having my alcoholic boyfriend in my house and around me and my son if he is drinking or smells of alcohol. This simple thing had never occured to me before. So now i stick to my boundries and if he doesnt like it thats his problem. As long as I say what I mean and mean what I say and dont say it mean then I am ok.
I also have to check my motives if they are not to control or hurt the alcoholic and i can explain them then I know its right for me. You have your own family to think about now, and it seems that its now time to set those boundries for yourself.
It sounds from the amount of hidden bottlest that you are finding that your mothers drinking is progressing, you dont have to be involved with the drama if you don't want to. If nothing changes nothing changes. By making this stand it will show your family you are not willing to stay on the roundabout and it may give your mother a chance to see how her drinking is affecting the family, unfortunatly alcoholism is a family disease.
Read as much al-anon litrature as you can get your hands on get to a meeting if you can as soon as you can. Glad you found us you will find much support here by very wise and wonderful human beings, who can understand like few others can.
All the best
Simone x
-- Edited by Zimmy on Monday 3rd of December 2012 02:56:41 AM
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I assume then your father will not be shocked when he hears you wont be there. Hence, it would be true if you stated "I really love you guys. You are in my heart and prayers this Christmas, but I have other plans."
Of course that will lead to "WHAT? Other plans!? What other plans? What's more important than your family?" more than likely right? That is when you might say "I don't want to get into that. Just know I love you very much and wish you a wonderful Christmas." Not much beyond that other than "Goodbye" if it gets too unreasonable.
This is all just a suggestion and I don't know how it would play out. Real folks, real interactions, and dynamics don't go as scripted or simply as I like to think they can/or do.....but sometimes the do actually.
The Holiday time is an extremely stressful time for all of us who live with the disease of alcoholism. Changing traditions and taking care of ourselves does appear difficult at first.. Alanon suggests that we examine our motives before taking any action and then to make constructive changes to our celebrations so that we take care of ourselves . If that means staying home or only visiting for a short time then we do that and do so without being angry or mean.
Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless.. We did not cause it cannot control it and cannot cure it. Alanon is a self help organization made up of members who live with or have lived with the problem of alcoholism. We hold Face to face meetings in most communities and it is here that I learned how to: break the isolation caused by living with this disease, and developed constructive tools that enabled me to regain my life, my hope and let go of my anger and fear.
An Alanon face to face meeting schedule can be obtained by calling the alanon main number listed in the white pages. I urge you to attend and come back here There is hope and help available,
I hear you want to have a drama free Christmas and you have an idea how to go about it. You can have your holiday anyway you see fit and it really is up to you. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it was a very helpful read for me. Have you made it to any Al-anon meetings, they helped me listen to my inner voice and protect myself better with boundaries and dettachment. Growing up in an A home does things to us and the only way I found to get through it was face to face meetings, MIP and my sponsor. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
