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Hey folks. Just wanted to share my experience with this as I see so many folks struggling with their qualifiers and saying "He/She continues to choose the drinking over his/her family/marriage." This has been talked about many times on the board but some things are so baffling (like alcoholism that it bears repeating).
Yeah, there are elements of choice involved in seeking recovery. However, this disease is POWERFUL. It is more powerful than a marriage, a vow, a promise, good intentions, and human relationships. The proposed solution even in AA is that only a power greater than ourself (typically God of some sort) can restore the alcoholic/addict back to sanity.
Hence, it's not that any alcoholics or addicts are choosing drugs and alcohol over family. The disease is POWERFUL and we are powerlesss until their HP (or God if you choose to call it steps in).
Alcoholics and addicts do have choices and they do not get off scott free by saying "I have a disease...I'm powerless." No. They can travel the road of addiction til they lose everything. Also their families can decide to detach and also cut all enabling and that is usually a good thing because that leaves the alcoholic with only 1 thing left to help them which is the one thing I stated above as that which is able to restore them to sanity - Their HP (or God).
I hope this helps someone or anyone wrestling with that awful feeling of rejection that their alcoholic or addict chose drugs or alcohol over them and/or the family. The disease has them because it's powerful. More powerful than anything but their HP which for active addicts is usually not discovered or not being heeded. Their HP may choose them for recovery and they may embrace their HP and recovery back in their time. The rest, while an utter uttter shame, is nothing of our doing.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 2nd of December 2012 02:31:52 PM
My qualifier, my son now has choices I didn't really give him in the past. Being a very active enabler kept him doing what he loves best....
I have my HP to help me get through the hard times moving forward and can only pray he will seek a HP to help him.
I have let go and let God take over and I can only hope my new faith is strong enough to endure this journey.
Thank you PC for your continued inspiring thoughts and knowledge to help us move forward and lessen the pain inside. You truly have God on your side and has given you the tools to help us
With the help of everyone here on MIP and Al-anon I continue to get stronger and stronger everyday.
Thank you...... :) Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This took me a while to get my head around, but it helps to know this and being able to seperate the loved one from the dis-ease, and why the first step is admitting we are powerless over alcohol.
Thanks pink chip x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
This is such a hard thing to wrap our heads around.....
I would find my hubby in the living room at 3 AM drinking a glass of whiskey, but he was okay. There is not a problem, he says.
The disease is that when he had a problem with his anxiety (his thinking, his fear) he would use alcohol because that is how his disease takes care of anxiety. He didn't even have to think about his thinking. It was an automatic reaction given to him by his genetics.
When he got the DUI and started AA he still didn't believe he had a disease. He tried having just one glass of vodka this time. He ended up passed out in the living room again. He learned he can't have the first drink. He says, "the first drink is $5. The second drink costs me everything I have." And he can't stop himself once he has that first drink.
Problem now is that he had cancer 5 yrs. ago and he got some drugs that give him the same feelings as the booze did to stop the thinking problem. There is not a problem, he says.
Thank you for this post. Even though some have heard it a hundred times (I'm not quite at that number YET) it is always a good reminder. Thanks for all your advice and help. Its a constant struggle.
I think this is something we all need to realize, and we will in our own time. I think, at least in my case, you wonder why they don't love you enough to just stop. But the disease is something that takes over. Its not that they don't love you or the family, they are just consumed. You can only hope they realize they need help before something drastic or life threatening happens. Thank you for your words.
Pinkchip your insight is refreshing. I know in my heart that the disease is in control at this point. My AH is 5 months sober (which I am very proud of) but I know every day is another struggle. We are living in the rehab mentality at this point...selfishness, distance, and anger. Unfortunately he has not found a home group, where I on the other hand have found many. I go to AA speaker nights just to further understand the disease. I sometimes wonder if my support in his struggle is too much for him to handle. In my heart I know it is right for me and my children, they know that I will do anything to protect them from the hurt this disease brings. I just wonder will his disease ever be second again?
