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ok guys need some help. my abf who doesnt live with me and my son as some of you may have read previously had to leave due to violence due to increasing blackout drinking.
Boundries set, dont come to the house under the influence. We have had a few hicups but stuck to my ground. Anyways on friday night he left here at about 8pm called me at 9pm and txt goodnight a couple of hours after. Plans were made for the weekend he would come round put the tree up with our 4 yr old son and we would have xmas films and a nice meal and stay over for the weekend.
Sat morning comes i was excited about the family being together, he came in after he had work and straight away I smelt alcohol on him. I confronted him and he said he only had two the night before. (he is currently seeing an alcohol worker from the courts where he was sentanced). As soon as I smelt the alcohol my stomach flipped and straight away im angry, resentful and hurt.
He left as he knew I was past talking. Today he txt to see if he could come round and i told him that i didnt want to see him as i was angry etc. He says he cannot understand as he only had two...told him i think hes lying and what ever the truth thats how I feel. Told him he could have our son if he wanted and he declined (which totally annoyed me, he says he loves his son).
He called today and i have told him i still dont want to see him and cant understand why he didnt want his son today, he says that its not right to have him dropped of to him. (I dont think it was right for him to drink and raise his voice in front of his son while drunk.
Am I being hateful by not allowing him to see us? So confused don't want to be controlling situations (too much of that in the past). He didnt break any boundries as such, but he says he wants sobriety but goes home after seeing us and drinks. Still the compulsion means more than me and our son, out of sight out of mind.
Am i acting in a self protecting way or am i just being plain old nasty...really not sure if its me trying to control his drinking or keeping me and son safe. I fear we have no future as no trust or belief in him. Thanks for listening and any esh or view gratefully received.
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
It sounds like this is something only you can decide. For me I have to put the safety of the kids first and because mine are older they are not as easily manipulated by their dad. They know what is ok and what is not ok. What makes them feel safe and what doesn't and they know at any point and time if they ever feel unsafe it's ok to call me. I try not to interfere with their time with their dad as it is so limited. If he was coming over drunk I really don't know what I would do. I know he drinks when he's not with us and that's all that matters to me. It's just a matter of time before he starts showing up here drunk.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and no that kind of behavior for me in front of my children is not ok. I don't have to JADE it to anyone else if I feel uncomfortable with it than so do my children.
What you are describing about that business of blowing off the kiddo when he doesn't get his way is very typical behavior of an addict. Well I love my kids, however I'm not going to give them a ride to school because it might help you out .. now I speculate however that is a conversation that has happened at my house and I was floored. He's so about punishing me right now and I'm just allowing him to think whatever he wants I know what my truth is and it's all going to go down in court on Monday.
This is about you and your comfort level as long as you are not sending mixed signals with the boundaries then I say you are working a solid program. Check your motives and be true to you and your own situation. Give it to HP and allow things to unfold as they may. I do not have the right to keep the kids from their dad, the courts would have me over a barrell on that one .. so I am very careful and I really leave it up to them. I have been informed by my youngest that next weekend he's at his dads and he wants to come home to get ready for his Christmas program that is a conversation I am not looking forward to. It's going to be what it is and he's not saying he doesn't want to go over there at all he just wants time in his own space to get ready and go. There are some other conversations that are going to take place and I'm sure STBAX is so not going to be open to them.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for your reply Pushka, I have thought on it and I think my motives are for mine and our sons safety. I have to keep my boundries rigid and I think after speaking with a close friend, that if he stinks of alcohol then its in his bloodstream and things could kick off.
I also need him to know that im deadly serious when i mean the only way our relationship stands any chance (and I can honestly say I don't know because as things progress and my own growth can I be bothered with the crap. Love isnt everything trust, and compassion and being able to rely on someone who is selfless sounds pretty good to me, god addicts are so selfish!lol)
I think as i get a better sense of me and my own selfworth, dramatic alcoholic love becomes not so attractive.
It has been fun here with my son and me so feeling okay about motives and not buying in to the poor me party the Abf is having, buck up or ship out.
Funny thing is he has had all day to drink and he has stayed in and called to say goodnight to our son, shame he couldnt have done the same friday night. Maybe he is figuring things out who knows and not my business i suppose.
I know you can never have expectations when it comes to alcoholics, but i still think i can...Doh!
Love how posting something on here gives clarity.
Hugs xx
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Not my business .. ROFLMAO .. OMGosh .. sooo ticks me off you have NO idea!!! You are absolutely right, if my STBAX chooses to drink or not .. it's not my business. My business is the raising of my kids, what I am doing or not doing not about him. I have enough of my own issues to fill a book, I do not want his too. I'm not his HP, I don't know what plan HP has for him.
That is the other thing about boundaries that is a good question to ask and checks motives as well am I making a boundary with the specific idea or motivation that if I do this he's going to change? The boundary for me with the kids is strictly about the kids. I have very smart, intelligent, funny as hell, who know what is what, they know when they feel safe and when they don't and they don't need me to tell them something feels wonky about a situation before those light bulbs come on for them. As you raise your son he's going to know by your actions what is and is not ok, they sense that big time with their parents even that young.
When I change the only thing left for my STBAX to do is go along with the changes or continue doing what he has been doing. That usually doesn't workout so well. That is not my issue, that is his to deal with and same for your b/f, there are natural consequences to all of these reactions he's doing.
Yes that whole expectation thing .. LOL .. so doesn't work out real well. I wind up being hurt and angry and I can't figure out why or how it happened, is it really the A's fault? Yes, no, maybe .. usually it's more about me having that ohhh we are so going to have that norman rockwell moment and it's all going to be fun and wonderful (damn it! You'll like it or else!!).
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Zimmy - I always reserve the right to be wrong but here is my intuition and what I believe based on what I know about alcoholism
I am going to translate what your ABF said from Active Alcoholic language to English (since as a recovering alcoholic, I can speak the language of active alcoholic bullcrapping LOL):
ABF: "I only had 2 drinks! WTF is your problem. You are such a #@$#@$!"
Translation:
ABF: "I never have only 2 drinks. No active alcoholic not in recovery only has 2 drinks. I have had at least 5 drinks since you can smell it on me from a mile away. Furthermore, I intend on having more drinks as soon as you get over your stupid boundary thing for which I am purposely testing you right now by showing up at the house partially lit after you told me not to."
Sigh. That is my take. He is trying to make you doubt yourself and doing the "crazy maker" thing. Don't doubt yourself or your boundaries.
I like what pinkchip had to say about the crazy making and how it made you question yourself, my AH was a professional at it. Keep your boundaries and keep doing the next right thing. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My ex ABF could not abide by the boundary do not come here under the influence. It ultimately ended the relationship because I took that a step forward - where is this relationship going to go? Truly? If he can't abide by not being around me drunk when he doesn't LIVE HERE, imagine if he did? I had a moment of clarity in a relapse and ended it for my own sanity and because the resentment was building. I don't think you are being mean, you are protecting your boundaries, never feel bad for that.
