The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this board. My husband has 170 days of sobriety. He went to a rehab facility, and has been doing great, attending meetings daily, even speaking at local rehabilitation facilities. I am 100% supportive, and proud of him. However, I have found that recently my resentments are setting in. While I am still proud of him and his accomplishments, I still find myself constantly questioning him if he drank/used - even though I know he seems perfectly fine. I find that I'm having a hard time forgetting about everything he put me through while he was drinking/using. He has recommended attending local al-anon meetings, but I wasnt really sure how it could help. I am thinking of trying marriage counseling. I am just hoping to hear input.. does anyone think that the al-anon meetings will be able to help me overcome some resentments? Are these resentments a normal part of being with someone who is recovering? This is all very new to me. Any information or thoughts will be greatly appreciated!!
I went today to my first meeting in a year. It was hard to walk in that door, but I am very glad that I did. I went once before but was not ready.
My husband and I have separated, he is actively drinking and does not want to work towards sobriety. Today I heard the things that I needed to hear to help me in my own process of recovery. While I am very new to this and don't know yet what I will get out of the program, I know that being around people that share their experiences and have found a way to make peace with it for themselves will be a benefit to me.
I learned how I need to allow him to take responsibility for his part and to own only what I contribute to this. I also found it easier to be at peace. I was not ready to share where I was at today but was so very glad I was there. We had done marriage counseling and while I found benefit there, a place where it was not centered on him and us, was very good for me. I wish now that I had continued to go before.
I have read many of the books and they have been very beneficial in learning how to deal with the resentment and the confusion I felt. I like the ones by Toby Rice and will be getting some of the other Alanon ones tonight. Anything I can do to keep my side of the road clean will benefit me and in turn my family as well.
You are very normal in your resentments and your feelings. Just wait.... the anger comes next. When I started AlAnon I didn't even know I was angry. But it was simmering in my head and AlAnon helped me get it out and deal with it.
.......................I find that I'm having a hard time forgetting about everything he put me through while he was drinking/using.............................your words.
You were ambushed once. No one gets married and says, "wow, I think I will start looking for clues that my hubby is an addict/alcoholic." No, we were naive and trusting and ambushed by a disease whose very calling card says "DENIAL". You lived for quite some time feeling that something was not right, but you couldn't put your finger on it. You really weren't looking for this disease.
And once you find out the lengths that the addict/alcoholic would go through to hide their drinking; once you realize how many times he lied to you and misused your trust; once you try to fill in the missing blanks with information about your hubby and your marriage and you don't know if he is telling the truth this time, or maybe just blowing smoke in your face..... then the resentments will get real big. You will have a hard time forgetting everything he put you through because it is a way that your mind protects yourself. You are supposed to learn from your mistakes..... And you will need AlAnon. We talk about all this stuff. Somehow it all comes up when we study the steps and the traditions and the daily readers and the slogans and the tools of the program.
I notice in your post that it is all about him. And you talk about yourself like you don't want to be a b...... Well, none of us want to be a b... and we aren't. We are the nicest bunch of people who have had life blow up in our faces all the while we denied it... and the person we loved and trusted denied it. And they argued with us about denying it.
AlAnon will help you with your resentments. Of course you have resentments. You are human and you have been kicked.
For me the best way to support your husb sobriety is to attend Al-Anon for yourself . Your life has been affected by alcoholism and you too need to recover . Leave him to AA and let Al-Anon take care of you . You can talk out your resentments with people who have been where your at and understand exactly how u feel. This program dosent promise to save marriages but it does promise to return some sanity to your life . early sobriety is not easy for anyone you need support . Louise
Aloha and welcome to the board...this is a great place to be to get help; and yes the resentments are normal...they don't feel good and they are normal. Mine came as result of several things...Other people and the AA program helping my alcoholic/addict wife stop drinking and using much faster and more easy than every thing I tried. You bet I was pissed!! Resentments that she was hanging clean and sober with lots of other people and I, the hurt one was alone with my miseries (although I repeated adnauseum that I was good). Resentments that she had a new language (language of recovery) and I was stuck on the same old thinking, feeling and negative expressing. Resentments that I had (not yet found) no one to talk my thoughts and feelings and stuff out with ...and more. The payback for my investment in and with her during the drinking and using days was...what??? avoidance, detachment, silence and blame because I didn't understand? Payback was a bear and I didn't do well with it at all and I felt like crap and more.
I got led into the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and have never regretted it.
I suggest you do the same think and come get around people who will understand where and how you are and have been in the same place and are now willing to share with you how they got out of it and how they are now.
In a weird way they get better we get worse and the same thing happens if we get better and they don't seek help.
There is a long timer in my home group who has shared that her recovering spouse said AA saved me and Alanon saved my marriage (she chuckles and says nooo Alanon saved him too!). She got worse when he got better becasue all of this time she spent focused on him was no longer needed and yes she was mad as hell about exactly what Jerry described .. why wasn't she good enough to get him better after all she tried EVERYTHING!!
I know I spent so much time wrapped up in how someone else felt, was he drinking, was he cheating, was was was he he he, that I couldn't tell someone on any given day how I felt. Was I angry? Was I sad? Was I happy? Did I think something was funny? When all of a sudden I had to start putting the focus on me it was a shock. I was a whole lot angrier than I realized, I was a whole lot a sad too. It's not healthy to live in that place and yes boy do I have some justifiable resentments and those are hard to let go of.
Alanon is the place I have found relief. I have begun to feel again and not just the negative lots of positive considering the chaos that is swirling around me. I have found me and what I like to do, what I want to do, who I am and so on.
I hope you will keep coming back and keep an open mind, most of all I hope you will find a face to face meeting to attend because everything you are feeling is totally normal and rational, having a place to take it is so important.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
