Dear Suzanne, here is what I found out for myself for my own recovery. I don't need to tiptoe around anybody when i set up boundaries for myself and try to stick to it. Actually I need to be really strong and frirm around my boundaries and take them more seriously than anybody else. I realized it's not only my A's recovery, he is not the only one needing change for his life...i need it too. Because we are all connected, and truth is, this disease affected and still is affecting us all. I felt a little overwhelmed when i realized that, because it seemed too much work, it seemed unfair and I couldn't see my shortcomings or my disfunctional reactions to the disease. We are all 'victims' as long as we choose to be. The good news was, that I also noticed, the day I chose nmot to be a victim anymore, that day i started seeing hope for myself. It had to start with me. If I want things to change, I need to start with me....in fact this is the only place where I can actively change things. Other people and other peopl's behaviours are out of my hand. In this sense I am allowed , even requested to be selfish..in the way of taking care of MYSELF. I am not the one who is allowed to judge my partner or other people around me. I did many things wrong myself, in the sense that I was judgemental, controlling, enabling...etc... I didn't know better. After more time in AlAnon, after many more sharing and researching  and listening, I am learning more and more, and I see my part in the story. Taking a step back from it alll, starting to focus on me and my actions and reactions, trying to change my behaviour around the disease, and ttrying to detach from it...that is what helps me to get the peace back into my life, and the serenity to cmes with it. 

I also noticed, that my A chooses his own way of recovery..it's his. and I am happy for him, because he is trying. He will find out what works and  what dosn't , what he looses and what he gains. It's his choice, it's his responsibility... he also realized there is nobody else to blame, if nobody else takes the responsibility or  tries to tell him what to do anymore.

Yes, there is lots of work to do when we are trying to change...but that's why it is better to go with 'one day at a time'.

And before I trust my A, or any other person around me for that matter...I need to trust in me...every morning anew.

Come back and listen and share and ask and vent...anything that YOU need for YOUR recovery. everyday there is something we can learn, if we choose to.

Wishing you a good day, and the courage to change.

AA, the triangle, his life is a straight path .. When an alcoholic begins AA i believe they say it takes a couple years for them to get a grip on sobriety and another year to get their head on straight (I am not an AAer so going on what I've heard) .. the triangle he speaks of is the symbol of the steps .. Referencing it, I believe it's Higher Power at the top, ourselves second, then family, then work .. the last 2 may be out of order .. Sounds like he is only just trying to understand it himself which is probably why he's having a hard time relaying it .. if he's not drinking, there may also be issues rising to the surface the drinking was preventing him from seeing .. the alcholic drinks to not feel .. it's a viscious cycle .. trying to control the situation, force, etc .. can sometimes increase even their need or desire to drink .. we end up doing more damage than harm .. been there ..

I don't know about anyone else, but I know anything less than 3 meetings a week wasn't cutting it for me .. at least 2 .. when i go and share i need to remember to keep the focus on me . absolutely ok to express the situation and how i'm feeling about it .. but i begin my sharing on my anxiety or how i feel i'm supposed to be the one to save him, i love him, and i'm feeling helpless because he's my husband so .. shouldn't my love be enough to save him ??

well i don't know if that's how it is for you, but that's what i was feeling when i first went .. give it time and try to share openly, honestly, and willingly .. Sponsors make a ton of difference .. especially if you can find one with a spiritual recovery .. literature helps too .. another helpful idea is to find out if there are any speaker meetings with AAers sharing their stories around you; maybe even by calling aa or asking in alanon .. it might help with the understanding process .. i know by me there are quite a few .. in fact, i just went to one tonight .. sometimes we hear what our loved ones can't tell us ..

at any rate, if he really is going to aa meetings faithfully as he says, i would focus on me and give him some time to work on him .. things don't happen overnight but they can change through the 12 steps if we are willing to embrace and work them .. prayers going up for you both tonight ..

The only thing that ever really helped me when things in my life were feeling chaotic was to get to more frequent meetings and to keep in closer contact with my sponsor above and beyond our regularly planned phone calls.

I echo MeTwo2 - my sponsor gave me these guidelines regarding meeting attendance:

Need to go to regular meetings. Have a Home Group - a meeting you make every effort to attend, rain or shine. More than one meeting a week is recommended. Two meetings a week is for maintenance, three or more are if you want growth and change.

The A in your life is an infant in recovery. Sad to say, but his behaviors sound pretty par for the course. He doesn't have his booze to go to any longer to deal with his feelings so he's pretty freaked out right now and is busying himself with tons of tasks and trying to find other ways to deal with his emotions without using alcohol. He quotes AA a lot because right now that's his only life-raft he sees at the time.

I don't know that I agree with tip-toeing around the recovering alcoholic. If they want to learn how to deal with life on life's terms without booze, that also means they need to learn to deal with their broken relationships. However, a newly recovering alcoholic really doesn't have the mental maturity to handle "adult" problems with much grace. It's pretty beyond them. So, just keep that in mind if you feel you need to speak up. I really hate comparing the alcoholic to a child - I don't want to be condescending in any way - but really, they ARE like a child where emotional capacity is concerned. Like most adults have to do with their children, you have to set down your boundaries and then do your best to ignore the tantrum that follows as they learn to cope with respecting your boundaries.

Overall, however, the best knowledge I have is just to keep getting to meetings, meetings and more meetings. If anything, for me, my being out of the house helped maintain some serenity for me. I didn't have to be around the craziness that way.

He is actually in a psych ward now - he was committed this week after an insane shopping binge (3000 dollars at Target) for stuff he claimed was for his new business, for his charity and for friends in AA who need jobs right now. Came home and set up a shrine in the living room, starting sorting valuables to hide from all the reporters he claimed were coming to the house to interview him for his charity work, on and on and on. I tried arguing with him, then calming him down, it ended after he said he was divorcing me and leaving, but he just stood in the hall shouting insanity. I called 911 and they dragged him away in handcuffs. Anyway, he may be diagnosed as bi polar now. I don't think this is about recovery anymore, I think he is mentally ill. I am not sure that I can live with this and I sure as hell can't let the kids see anything like this ever again.

I can't believe this is our life. I am so terrified right now.