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Hi all, It's been awhile since I was last here, but I've popped in here and there when things are at their worst, just to feel like there was some sense of hope out there for me - for people like us in our situation.
I've started to go back to face-to-face meetings - have found one that I really like that I'll go to regularly.
I have a question... I've bought Courage to Change for myself, and it has been so helpful. My AH is not in an AA group - well, he went one time because things were really bad and he wanted to please me - but he is in therapy once every 2 weeks, which he thinks is enough. Of course it's not, because he's trying to deal with his own drinking (he doesn't like the label "alcoholic") plus having been abused by his dad as a child (which I only very recently learned).
I wish so much that he had more support, and I know that I can't make him go to an AA meeting - he has to want to do that himself. But do you think it would be helpful or "ok" if I was to buy him a book... something like "Courage to Change", but from an AA perspective? Or would that be too 'controlling'?
Things are a mess. I don't know what to do other than work on myself. But I just SO wish I could provide him with some of the great materials that are helping me... How can I tell him there are things out there that can help him, where he can get some relief, other than alcohol?? Please, I need some helpful ideas...
I've learned for myself that they're only going to change and want "self-help" materials when they want the change. Any hinting or books or subtle attempts to get them to feel better are just plain and simple masked attempts at manipulation on my part.
I had to realize that if I want happiness in my life, I had to stop being concerned about making sure someone else would be healthy and happy. They're in charge of their happiness, not me.
If you want him to see what's helping you, then just live by example.
I would agree with Aloha's take on it, but add one more option..... it's never an awful idea to leave literature lying around the house a bit - not "in his face", per se, but certainly where he might stumble across it..... books like the daily readers might help, but maybe even buying the Big Book - and it's not purchased to (directly) try to control him or his recovery, but it can be something that you are reading through yourself - and one never knows if he gets inspired to read it himself...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Tom and Aloha, thanks for your thoughts on this...
Tom, I feel silly for asking, but which title is "The Big Book"? And I thought it was really for people in AA, but is it also good for us al-anoners too?
LSB, the book Tom suggests is officially titled Alcoholics Anonymous. Members affectionately refer to it as "The Big Book." And yes, al-anon suggests that its members learn all we can about the disease of alcoholism. the BB is perfect for that.
I love the previous posts. and I will suggest that you be honest with yourself about your expectations. I know for me, when I bought the book and let it lay around for him to pick up... and he didn't.... I became disappointed. I held an expectation that he would. and certainly "should." So don't set yourself up for that, my friend. You've suffered enough, time to give yourself the attention. Al-anon believes that our changed attitudes (by working our own program) may aid their recovery (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
LSB, Personally, I would also recommend Living Sober. It's a little yellow book that is much more modern and easy to read. It's like a "how to book" and a Q/A sort of manual. If he is open to reading it, I would always recommend someone new to sobriety read it. It has tips in it for staying sober that don't even necessarily have anything to do with the program. It's just practical in its approach.
Again, he would need to be open to reading it though.
My AH is not in an AA group - well, he went one time because things were really bad and he wanted to please me - but he is in therapy once every 2 weeks, which he thinks is enough. Of course it's not, because he's trying to deal with his own drinking (he doesn't like the label "alcoholic") plus having been abused by his dad as a child (which I only very recently learned).
Your husband has been to an AA meeting. They have books available to him. Meetings are based on the Big Book of AA.
He's made a decision to get help elsewhere right now. Sometimes therapists recommend books to their patients so maybe he will get some books after all. The books his own therapist might recommend could be better focused to his individual needs and maybe his therapist won't recommend any books in combination with his therapy. Your husband is seeking help and choosing what he feels is right for him.
Alanon suggests I stay out of the alcoholic's recovery and focus on my own recovery. If the alcoholic in my life is still drinking, the 3 c's are a great tool. "I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it." Also being mindful of the 4 M's - Managing, Mothering, Manipulating, Martyrdom has really helped me at times when an honest look is needed to differentiating between giving loving support and trying to control outcomes. The tools help me to look at my motive. Sometimes it isn't easy to keep hands off and not try to fix someone. I'm trying to offer others the same respect and dignity I would like to receive.
Thanks for your share. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks everyone for your really good suggestions. I always marvel at the depth of wisdom I find on this board, so thank-you for sharing.
Perhaps I will just ask him if he'd be interested in a book, and go from there. (The one you suggested, pinkchip, sounds really good and maybe not overwhelming.)
TT - I know the 3 Cs well but had not heard of the 4 Ms! That totally fits me! I'll remember those well.
I'd hug you all if I could - so (((( )))) there. Cyber-hugs!
Have a lovely weekend, everyone.
