The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm writing if nothing else to share. My daughter lost her job yesterday. A very good job that enabled her at 22 to buy her own home and a new car. She's been very out of control since the summer with things escalating to today. In July she stole a friend of hers mother's car to drive two hours drunk back home. The mother didn't press charges as long as she made it home without hurting anyone or the car. She's broken her exbf's window three times over the past year, this summer cutting herself and needing to be taken in drunk and get stitches. Since then its been a DUI (gotten in her cousins car whom I'm sure she didn't have permission to be driving), an assault arrest, now her lost job (they were even generous when they terminated her-giving her pay and not showing she was fired), and whatever happened last night.
She began calling at 2:30 a.m. I have no idea what she did. Recently she's been calling if the police are with her or she's been arrested but doesn't want to head to the county jail. We didn't get the calls because I have turned my phones on silent at night now and I unplug our home phone. The middle of the night calls hearing her drunk and demanding to be picked up or she's crying and screaming are over. My stomach and body can no longer take them.
I text her this morning asking only if she was at home with her dog. She has a sweet pomeranian that she leaves alone, then if she goes to jail it is possibly without food and water and the chance to go outside to potty.
She said she was at home and that was all she replied. I proceeded to Finally let her have it by text. Telling her to Never call our phones, or our place of business (which she did the last time around two weeks ago when she needed picked up, luckily it went to my husband's phone instead of an employee) again. That she couldn't get ahold of us for a Reason and that's because we will not get her, etc. etc. etc. Letting her know in no uncertain terms I'm done.
She responded with suicidal threats, saying I'm an awful mother, I'm crazy and this is why we don't speak (lord I wish we didn't speak) and how does it make me feel to treat my child so terribly? I told her to just leave me the h*ll alone at that point, when she again replied with a suicidal threat and I replied with Bye.
About 30 minutes later she replied she didn't want to fight with me. I replied with phone numbers and information for the local treatment facility and that she is a grown woman and can make her choices. This is something I will support her doing, however, if she chooses not to after offering for five months, then we will no longer continue on the path with her. She's never replied back.
I believe what may happen in the future is that I will end up paying her house payment but have no communications with her. I don't see ever letting her getting to the point of being on the streets, but maybe I will get to a point that I'm okay with that...or my husband-her dad-will not allow that. I'm struggling with what the future holds, but I have to remember to Take it One Day At a Time. I can't predict anything at this point. There is no purpose in trying.
I'd really rather her be in jail truthfully than deal with her. I think I'm at the point that I hope any upcoming legal issues she faces, they may put her in jail for a period of time and I can be happy and relaxed at least knowing she won't be driving and possibly hurting someone. Today, as a bad mother, my sympathy is not with what she does to herself. I've already been watching her commit suicide when she picks up a drink or I smell her.
I'm going to remain detached. I've given love, boy have I given love. Someone who has helped me immensely is Cathyinaz...yesterday she mentioned a couple of times she was going to "stay on her side of the street"
I am going to do the same. Thankfully she does not live in my home, I'll never allow her back in it. So we do have a safe and normal place to be. If the phone rings in the night, I won't hear it. If she shows up, I won't answer the door. More than likely I'll have to call the police if that happens. I'll remain on my side of the street.
Thank you for listening. I think if nothing else I needed to help solidify my resolve by writing what happened. Seeing things in black and white sometimes helps ease the turmoil in my head and heart.
You are doing great...keep at it it. detaching with love is so hard but it is the only tool that works when dealing with an alcoholic be it child, lover or parent. To stop enabling is the only way the can face their own self and lives. God bless you.
Big hugs x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
You are taking some courageous steps and I really aplaud that. Amazing strength to show those boundaries. It did surprise me that you were so firm but then said "But I will pay her house payment." That is your decision, but I will say based on my own experiences, that is only something useful to do if she is helping herself. Otherwise, you are prolonging her bottom. If being on the streets is what she needs for her to bottom out, as scary as that is - it may be necessary. If she still has a roof over her head being paid for - the bottom is more likely to hit through other ways such as ongoing arrests and crazy escapades. There's always halfway houses and state funded rehabs. She might see those choices as necessary when nothing else is available.
This may be neither here nor there, but I'm concerned she may be having a bipolar episode (manic) from all you described. It may be she really needs to be in the psych unit to address things fully. Not trying to give you something extra to worry about. In actuality, if it is Bipolar (and I don't know from the limited stuff you wrote), once that is treated successfully, the binge drinking is usually more responsive than someone that is just 100 percent pure alcoholic and drinks daily round the clock. When someone makes suicidal threats you can have them involuntarily committed. That could get the ball rolling. I don't know if that's happened to her before or not. Again, being committed to the psych ward is not a cure all either. It's a starting place for some, but some folks need multiple trips to the psych ward, jail...etc before hitting bottom. No guarantees. A detached way to respond to someone threatening to kill themselves is just to call 911 and let the police deal with it.
In any case, I wanted to clarify that nothing you are dong is "wrong." You are doing great. There are no easy answers here and what I say are really just my opinions that could easily be wrong. Please continue taking what you like. You are inspiring as well in terms of how you are dealing with this.
My heart goes out to you. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things for her. I concur with Pinkchip. These behavior outbursts sound like manifestations of Bi Polar disease. For all its worth, if she declares she will kill herself, call the police and let them take it from there. One way or another, she will get " into the system" , and from there she could be evaluated for her mental state and given options for treatment.
As they say......take what you want and leave the rest..........
Having a child going thru this is beyond every parents nightmare. You are doing everything you can for her. I will be praying for you and your daughter.
I'm happy you came and opened up to what's in your heart here because the help is great. So many here are where your at and just the support will give you some peace and understanding. At least it is for me.
I know what you are going through and you will find the best way you know how to deal with the madness your experiencing. Open your heart to friends, family, Al-anon and MIP and your sanity will begin to be restored. As you step back and not react right away you will be able to think better before making a decision what you next step is.
Taking care of YOU makes you stronger to make the right decisions for you and your daughter.
I pray for her that she will find her way back to the family and I pray for you and your other family members.
Hugs Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Owning a home at age 22 is actually quite impressive in this day and age. Especially considering the difficulty in getting a mortgage in the U.S and the down payment that is usually required. Most people who i know that owned a home/condo by that age range did so because their parents or a family inheritance footed most of the bill.
Some alcoholics have a very difficult time handling success. Some of them feel they are unworthy of a lot of things in life and sometimes even go out of their way to sabotage themselves when things are going well because they just don't feel they deserve it, can't handle the pressure or expectations put on them, or feel that people will be jealous and that 'everyone hates them' because they are doing well. I'm presuming all her friends are 21-23 and aren't in that position, therefore it's almost as though she is outgrowing them and leaving them behind, but really she is the one feeling left behind. Many alcoholics get overwhelmed and cope by drinking. Maybe it could be tied to her looking for attention and showing them she's still the same person. These are obviously all assumptions on my part, but I've seen it in other alcoholics.
I agree that if you decide to make all her payments for her then you will just be prolonging her trip to bottom. Unless you are a co-signer on the mortgage, in which case they would come after you for the payments anyway once she stops making them.
Thank you all so much for the support and suggestions. Bi polar is not something I had really considered fully. It's crossed my mind but its very briefly as often I have felt the anger and screaming stems from the drinking. The kindness and successes are when she's not. I will definitely read up on that further and research to see if that could be a factor as well. Thank you so much for that input.
Slogan-jim, you are correct-she's doing something that many her age are not and I too wondered if pushing herself too hard has resulted in relieving that stress by drinking more and more. She always was the one in HS (as even a valedictorian) to organize the parties though, got an MIP her Sr. year. Bragged to others she could go out at night and drink and still come in the next day and ace a test. So the alcohol has always been an issue and an embarrassement, but since July its much more out of control.
Luckily no, our name is on nothing she owns. House, new car, nothing. She has no credit cards so has a house payment and car loan and utilities. She sets goals and achieves them but then has a compulsion to drink and does not stop.
I waivered in typing that I would pay her house payment. I did do this yesterday and you all may give any responses and advice (although frowned upon in al-anon) you may have. I formed up an agreement that if she remains completely 100% sober for the next three months that I will help her pay 1/2 of her house payment for three months. We both signed the agreement and it may be worth nothing more than toilet paper. However, I wanted to show her, that our support is available and there if she stops. The agreement strongly stipulates that one sip, one drink, one glass the agreement is immediately void. At the same time I also once again offered to help her get into an intensive outpatient program so she can seek work while also getting the help she needs. She declined that once again and got defensive. Writing things down, looking at things logically has worked with her in the past...again she can set goals. So I felt that making it in black and white may be better than all the talk I could ever do. Should she fail, she will know for sure she was given a chance. And I will walk away for good and live my life.
I need to remember I can't control the drinking though. If she can control and manage all the rest of this and I let her do that. I need to let her control the aspect of her life she really needs to control.
