The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know how to protect myself anymore except for shutting down towards my A spouse. I think about separating all the time but won't be able to do it until finances change in a year or two. I don't hate her~in fact I feel very sorry for her. She is workin
working on her latest lie and I have already caught on and now she is moping. I can't stop her from going out drinking with her A friends, but I have asked her not to lie to me anymore, at least 100 times. She says she won't, she is working on her chronic lying with her CASAC therapist, but here she is lying again. OK, at least I'm not surprised anymore. But to live in this environment maybe 2 more yrs feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders. Today I will be with my granddaughter and I will be alive, happy, and feeling. She is a blessing, and I do count mine these days. Love, Lyne
I really really hope you are attending alanon meetings. I know how frustrating it is to expect, hope and be let down again .. for me I had to let go of the expectation that my STBAX was going to be anyone he isn't right now .. and right now .. he's a liar, cheat, theif and a drunk. When I can accept that is who he is .. and I know sounds very harsh and really I don't mean it that way that is who he is right this second he doesn't have to stay in that place, it's where he chooses to be as long as he is active in his disease on any level. Any expectations that I have about him changing are going to be met with disappointment. I do not have the power to change him. Where I have power is how I choose to live my life. I do have choices. I do have the power over how I choose to react .. sometimes I need time to reign that reaction in however I still have power there. Regardless of if you decide to stay or go I hope you will find hope, forgiveness, happiness for yourself regardless of what the addict in your life is or is not doing. I'll be honest that statement used to tick me off to no end when someone would write it!! LOL!! It is absolutely the truth. They are who they are just like I am who I am .. the good, great, bad, and the ugly. His issues are not mine. I have a whole set of my own issues that I need to deal with .. LOL!! It takes up to much time going there than to deal with this other stuff.
It is ok to feel numb, disappointed, angry, frustrated and so on .. they are only feelings to be processed you do not have to stay there because feelings lie they aren't meant to stick around only to pass through.
The book Getting Them Sober Vol 4 has been very much a God send for me at this point and I have Vol 2 that I will be reading this weekend. Those books combined with the meetings I attend help me process through all of my emotions because it's not about the addict in my life changing .. it's about ME changing and making different decisions. I choose to live life regardless of whatever crocked up plan he's got going on and believe me they are crazy town in a big way. I do not have to go on that emotional ride to looneyville if I choose not to buy the ticket.
Hugs it gets better, just keeep coming back, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Getting un-numbed is always hard for me. I grew up with alcoholism so that numbness was a part of what I call my poisonality. [I can fake a Noo Joisy accent on a good day!] I. was a case of getting onto step 2 and letting go. Let go and let Go[d]. For that I needed a friendly happy sort of higher power... not some old geezer sitting up on a grey cloud. In Alanon we have the choices to do this sort of thing!
The older members I started the programme with mostly tried to stick it out- that was their generation. My SO is not the alcoholic, but she has another addiction... ...and what I learned in Alanon helped me out heaps. So all one can say, in 2012, is give your best shot, and then apply the serenity prayer.
My experience has been that the lying is not about the person they are lying to, and while intoxicated they honestly appear unable to control it to a certain degree. It is absolutely part of the disease. Going to meetings, reading books and learning to detach will be your best defense right now. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are not alone.
For me, numbness was a way that I coped with not having to feel. not having the feel the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the derpression that came with having an alcoholic father. I ultimately had to teach myself to feel again. To teach myself that it's ok to feel happiness and even sadness. It's ok to cry and to laugh. Going to meetings and learning that I wasn't alone in this helped me get through this.
Lyne, I know how you feel. I have to shut down and detach in order to save my sanity, but it also feels like I'm giving up on my marriage. Still, I feel better when I look after my own needs. I can't do anything about him. I'm not in a position to leave him right now, physically or mentally, but I'm preparing myself for that day because I feel like it is inevitable. I just keep trying not to use a lot of energy being angry and resentful. I take responsibility for my choices, including staying here right now.
umutlu-Yes, I can't leave now. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am mentally preparing to leave-how is that for insanity? It sounds like I could have written your post. Some days are better than others. Today I am calmer and made a decision not to confront her about her lying. It was a better day. I think a few months ago, I read on a post that if you know the answer to the question, why ask it? Even my son wants me to leave. Pressure from the peanut gallery. One day at a time-today is not so bad. Lyne
