The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spoke with my AH yesterday. I intended to tell him it was over (again) and that I would be filing for divorce. He is in another state working right now. Somehow, he dragged me into an argument about how I was at fault, too, and that I was the reason he drank/drinks. I chose to engage mostly because I wanted one last chance to get him to see why I am divorcing him. Big mistake. I won't be doing it again.These arguments are useless and damaging to me, and I think he thinks (there I go, again!) that if I engage in an argument with him, he might win me over and change my mind about the divorce.
I went to a f2f meeting last night. It helped. I am hoping to make another one today.
The hardest part for me right now is the guilt of leaving him when he is going through such a hard time, and so far away from home. We lost his son, my stepson, about three and a half years ago to suicide. Before our son's mental illness, he was a perfect child--4.0 grade point, hard worker, always had a smile etc. The grief and impact on the family was and is almost unbearable. We also lost our business and house during that same time period and still had four children at home. It seems so cruel of me to leave him now when he's already been through so much, but I feel I have no choice because I really believe my survival depends on it. I was diagnosed with lupus and several other auto-immune diseases at the same time we lost our son, and chronic stress is one of the worst things for my condition. I am only 46 years old, and I don't want to die because of his alcoholism, and my sick thinking and unhealthy response to it. I simply cannot stay in this relationship any longer.
I don't know when I will be talking to him again, but it will likely be within the next 2 to 3 days. I plan on keeping the conversation short letting him know that divorce papers will be coming his way. I am praying to my HP to give me the strength not to engage in another useless and stressful argument and I am praying my AH gets well for his sake and for our children. I am praying my AH doesn't become violent or bitter against me, but I can't control that. What will be, will be.
Thank you all for ESH you have given in the past. I need all the encouragement I can get through this dark time in my life. You all, Al-anon and my HP have literally saved my life.
good on you attending your meetings the more you go to the better you will feel.
When I am going through a really tough time I always double my meetings. Have you managed to get some phone numbers from people at your meetings, these can be a great help.
Books is another tool that helps me I read read read, these things all help me to get saner and more peaceful.
GUILT was a iggy for me too, my sponsor told me it was false guilt. It was not my responsibility to fix anyone we all are responsible for ourselves. When my A is active today i can tell him I love him and hope he loves himself enough but for my own sake I can not be around him. His last slip lasted 6 months i removed myself, I have no resentments today as i protected me however his mother was not as lucky. He is back in AA and trying to get better so today I am back around him. You say you can not do it anymore , it is not a bad thing to take care of your needs it is your duty.
keep coming back you are in the right place hand him over to Hp and trust.
