The material presented
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Welcome to MIP, my friend. Your post reminds me of my own desperate days, I thought of doing that same kind of stuff too....
It's called trying to cover a bad motive with a good one. we ultimately want what we want. period. but that looks kinda selfish so we throw in a better-looking motive, protecting others out there from drunk drivers sounds more noble. Truth is, we don't treat everyone that way, just our select person. our alcoholic. I never did it and I'm glad, I don't have to shoulder the guilt. Higher power can work that stuff out in a much better way without my involvement.
I sooo believe you will find some relief by attending al-anon meetings for yourself, that's what you deserve. for me, it was so good to be in the company of those who understood, as my marriage was falling apart.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 29th of November 2012 04:20:38 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have been with my alcoholic husband for about 10 years. I knew he had a problem when we married but I was in denial about how serious it was. He has put me through so much. He can be so wonderful when sober but I have not seen that side of him in awhile. The past few months he has been really out of control. I don't know what set this off but his drinking dramatically increased all of a sudden. Out of the blue he told me he's filing for divorce and refuses to talk about counseling or a trial seperation. He says he knows he has a problem but like all alcoholics he says I'm the reason he drinks and he refuses to get help. I know I should just walk away but I really want to save my marriage and I want him to get the help he needs. The only way I can think of is getting him arrested for DUI. He has had DUI's in the past but it has been many years since he got caught. He drives intoxicated nearly everyday. He somehow manages to drive fairly well while under the influence and doesn't gets caught. I'm scared someday his luck is going to run out and he is going to hurt or kill himself or someone else. I'm considering calling the police the next time he leaves after drinking and reporting him anonymously. I'm hoping that this will be the wake up call that finally gets him into treatment. Does anyone else have experience doing this to the alcoholic in your life? Did it help them?
I am always reminded of the wise words of my sponsor, to "check your motives"....
Sounds like you have two different things you are wrestling with on this one....
Turning him in because:
i) you want to change him, and/or guide or speed up his recovery, etc
ii) you're truly concerned with the safety of others
For my two cents - if your primary motivation is the second item (safety), then fill your boots.... If your primary motivation is the first item - whether it is to change him, punish him, speed up his recovery, etc - then I would say that those aren't good motivations to do anything.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Not only do I agree to "check your motives" as Tom so very well explained - what if someone told you it was guaranteed to not help or do any good? Would you be inclined to do so?
I ask because the chances are pretty good it will not do as you hope. He has to want to change and we can't control or persuade people. We have to take them exactly as they are in front of us, or not at all.
Hugs. I watched my exABF end up homeless even and it still was not enough to stop him. Take care of yourself, let him figure out his own issues.
I'm afraid that thousands of people are charged with DUIs and go on drinking every week. I know that desire to "make him hit bottom" and see the destruction they're causing. But sadly nothing will do it until they come to it in their own time (if they do). That's why there are many alcoholics in prisons, in hospitals, on skid row, living homeless -- the disease is that strong and their denial is that powerful.
Paradoxically the one thing that has the most chance of helping them get sober is the one thing that helps us most -- concentrating on our own recovery. Alcoholism sucks everyone into the insanity until we can't even see how our thoughts have become distorted. And often the less we focus on them, the more they are left alone with their own consequences. And if anything will make the difference, that will. But we also, sadly, have to accept that some alcoholics will never recover. It's impossible to tell which is which, of course. But meanwhile we mustn't put our own serenity on hold waiting for theirs.
I hope you can get to a meeting? A good program of recovery for you will make a huge difference -- that's what I've found in my life.
I hope you'll keep coming back. No one should have to go through this alone.
I agree with all that has been said and I would just like to Welcome you to Miracles in Progress.
Your sign on name says it all. I too was "scared and confused" when I first admitted that something was terribly wrong in my life and I could not fix it. I tried everything from trial separations, counseling , prayer etc and I was still Scared and Confused. Then in a desperate effort to find some relief I walked into the rooms of alanon and a bright light shone in my darkness.
Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism . They understand as few others can. Face to Face meetings in the community can be found by looking in the White Pages . I urge you to check it out and attend.
It was here that I learned to break the terrible isolation caused by this disease. By attending meetings and connecting honestly with others who understood as few others can. I learned how to take all the focus off the alcoholic, place it on myself and to take positive actions each day for MY life. Living one day at a time, Focused on MY life, connected honestly to others, using positive actions, my life improved and I could see clearly what the next right action for me should be.
Please keep coming back here as well There is Hope
I remember when I lived with my father there were so many times when I thought of calling the cops on him. He would always drive to the bar and drive home drunk. One night he was drinking at home, decided he wanted to get some pizza. He drove.
I woke up, and had a voicemail on my phone 'Hi, this is officer Smith from (local police), we've arrested your father for driving under the influence and you need to come pick him up'. Someone had reported him. Time of the message was about 1:00am. My sister had gone to get him. I walked downstairs and he was there. His first words were 'where were you!?'
They suspended his license for a year, put a blower in his car, made him attend a rehab for 3 weeks. I thought this would finally cure him.
Nope....he just doesn't drive to the bar now and orders in. :)
Dear Scared and Confused, I ditto all of the previous comments. Been there done that (thought of the same). Go to my post of Nov. 4th. It listed under the title "This is what I have learned..." It is on the AA Message Board. Read all comments to the end. As bad as our hearts want to 'save' them, it is not ours to do/give. I got blamed for ex.AH's DUI, of which was the result of vehicular damage to a young man's car. Yes, there was an accident..... No injuries thank goodness. Did it stop him? NO. To make a long story short....it was just the beginning spiraling downward. Although we were separated several yrs. and only divorced three years ago, I still loved him. The difference was I learned to detach and walk my own path. He had a fatal heart attack, four weeks ago. He never hit bottom and drank to the end. Best comment I can give you....... ALNON! Prayers going up for you!
Aloha SandCed and welcome to the board. You have now run into some of the most experienced sons, daughters, wives and husbands of alcoholics and addicts on the planet and some of them can and will even nod to being alcoholic themselves...like myself. All of the information has come from inside the recovery program of Al-Anon and you have been given the suggestion to get there yourself.
For me...I've been there and done that on both sides. I've called the police out on my alcoholic/addict wife and even was sitting the dispatch board with the CHiPS the night she was stopped for DUI. Didn't cause it, Cannot control it, could not cure it. I got into Al-Anon and went after saving my own sanity. Of course DUI was only one little barb on the vine...the lying, cheating, stealing, infidelities and more were there also. Calling the cops on her because she was driving drunk and I was fearful others would get hurt was probably the most honest reason to call them and then I called them to report her missing and such also. I got her into church also...God didn't appreciate the scare and I didn't have as honest an answer as I would like when God ask "what is she doing here". I was caught...it was "my" idea and not hers.
Okay I listened to all of the responses you have received here when I first got introduced to the program face to face. There was and is no difference...the concern and loving support I got then is exactly what you are receiving here...stick around and get more. In support (((((hugs)))))
I am fairly new to the Al-anon program, but I've lived with my AH for over 20 years, and had another one before him for six years. My father was also an alcoholic and never sought recovery.
Over the years, I too have thought about turning my AH in for DUI, but never did it, mostly because I was afraid of the financial ramifications a DUI would have on the family.
I am now preparing to divorce my AH and still struggle with trying, in vain, to control him and get him to see he needs help. I've come to the conclusion that I need to stay on steps one through three until I truly let go and feel in my heart that I am actually powerless over this disease and that only my HP can bring me to a place of serenity and hope.
After living with alcoholics my whole life, I have finally decided it's time for me to focus on ME. I am worthy of having peace and a decent, happy life. The constant frustration of trying to change the alcoholics has taken a massive toll on my health and I am no longer willing to allow the chronic stress to affect me and my children.
I hope the best for you, and am sending you positive thoughts and support.
