Hey everyone, so I've come to this board after pacing back and forth about 5 times from my car to the driveway of a church where an al-anon meeting was at in my neighborhood. I felt very timid and anxious toward entering the meeting as a 23 year old guy by myself. I had a fear of going in and feeling alienated from the rest of the group and being seen as "crazy" for thinking the thoughts I think. So I took the cowardly route and drove back to my home where I live with my alcoholic mother. 

It all started when I was born. Or so it seems from what they say. Both of my parents have admitted to me that I was in fact a mistake. The mistake that (seems from what they say) was the reason for their divorce. My father had his alcoholic period in my youth.. From about the time I was born until I was about 12 years old. He's sober now (which I'm very thankful for) but still shows some signs of an abusive personality. 

My father used to say awful things to me and physically abuse me.. "You're too fat." "Your mother's a 'xxxx." etc.. I remember he once forced me (at 7 years old) to run on the treadmill (no matter how tired I got) for an hour for eating fast food my mother had given me for lunch. I would get physically abused if I received a grade lower than an A on my report card (and a good "talking" to if I got an A-). My father was in and out of jail for drunk driving from when I was 4 until I was 10. When I asked where my dad went, my mother would tell me that he went away to school. 

Even in my father's sober state, he would still verbally and physically abuse me because I was the reason he had to pay my mother child support. He continually asked me to go to court with him and testify against my mother but I would refuse to. My father told me how ugly I was when I had acne in junior high, he would tell me how fat I was too. I would skip lunch at school every day in hope that I would lose weight to please my father (even though I was an average weight for a kid growing out of their chubby phase).. Sometimes I went a day or two without eating, just drinking water. I thought it was for good discipline and to be a stronger man. 

I did not understand why I was constantly punished. I attended school, I excelled, and I was generally a good kid.. Never really a troublemaker except here and there I would get in a little scrap with one of the kids in the neighborhood. my teachers always had good things to tell my mother at the parent teacher meetings, and I played baseball and hockey. 

Later on into highschool, I felt very isolated. The only thing I felt comfort in was playing music and making art. It was my fuel that helped me through these years. I would often skip class and go hangout in the art rooms or go jam with a friend in one of the music rooms. I started getting into trouble with teachers which is what really began to fuel my resentment for authority figures. I still did well in class, I didn't do drugs, and I didn't make any trouble. I skipped class, but I did not understand why I should serve detention after school for that. 

In my last years of highschool, I was arrested for painting graffiti. I became obsessed with it. I loved just going out in the night and making beautiful art out of eyesore cement buildings that were abandoned years ago. It was a competition of who was the best. Who got the most locations, and who had the most fame. Well a few months later, I was arrested and in juvenile hall. I had to see a councilor, but I did not understand why. I thought I was just caught and the police thought I was a little psycho or something. When the shrink asked me how my home life was, I thought "great!" because I did not live with my father, and my mother pretty much let me do whatever I wanted. I did community service, then kept going with the graffiti.

I moved out of my mom's house after highschool to attend college. That's where her drinking began. I remember going home one weekend, and she was drunk. I didn't ever see her that wasted, so I asked if she was okay. Then she went on a big rant talking about how I don't do anything to help her, how I'm just a burden etc.. It just snowballed from there.

A few years ago, my mother kicked me out of the house on christmas eve. It was snowing out and I had nowhere to go. At this point in my life, my father had abandoned me because I would not ask my mom to stop child support (merely because I didn't want to get in the middle of it). I called him several times to see if I could stay at his house for the night. No answer. I wandered the streets, called friends but it was Christmas eve and I did not want to intrude on family time. I finally came back to my house and just slept in my car. I felt so lost that night and that's where my depression began. If God would not let me celebrate the birth of Christ with my family, he could go **** himself. 

I wound up dropping out of school in the middle of the spring semester and found a job doing pizza delivery in my hometown. Continued living at my mother's house and continued taking the abuse. Continued listening to her tell me about how much of a loser I am, how I remind her of my father etc.. I began to feel very isolated.

I lived out of my car and a tent for about 2 months the following summer until the fall cool came in. I would bath in a nearby lake and use 24 hr gas station bathrooms to brush my teeth and use the toilet. Then I went back to living with my abusive mother. She did not even know I was gone. She had lost her job, and she was taking it out on me.. Telling me I'm selfish, telling me I don't help her out, telling me I'm an awful son. I tried taking her booze away, she has it stashed all over the house. She got in a drunk driving accident, payed the victim $1000 to not call the police, then I had to cover rent for the month. She ran out of gas drunk driving and I had to come with the gas tank to save her. 

My mother tells me to not even bother going back to school because it's just going to be a waste of money anyways. I'll never amount to anything. My relationships fall apart because I wind up clinging on too fast and scare them away, or have some kind of outburst of anger toward a very little thing. I have finally met a woman who I connected with recently (about 6 months ago) and things have been going steady, but she's afraid of coming to my house because of my mother. The sad thing is, if I move out, I fear that my mother will poison herself. I know I'm 23 and should have my own place, but I really don't want my mother to die.

Luckily, my partner is very understanding and she loves me dearly, but I sometimes fear she'll abandon me at the drop of a hat. Like flicking a switch.. I fear she'll cheat on me or just grow bored of me. I will say things to her such as "You can dump me if you want, I understand if you don't want to put up with me and what I've been through." and just pure pity party stuff like that. I explained to her that my thought process is very skewed due to the environment of my childhood, but I am overcoming it. I'm 100% not an abusive person, I would never hit a fly. I always thought I was just crazy, stupid, and immature.. But I see people on here exhibit similar behaviors with relationships, so it frees me from some isolation. 

I really think I'm at the stage where I need to just cut ties from my parents. It's too much stress on my mind and soul. I'm a bright kid, and I always do my best with things.. But sometimes my depression becomes so overwhelming that I forget about everything except my own miserable current situations. I don't know if this is PTSD, BPD, bipolar disorder or what.. I just want to be okay! 

I hope I will find the courage to attend a future al-anon meeting at some point.

-RSanders

 

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 28th of November 2012 10:40:19 PM