The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On this board, there is an article about, Alcoholism, A Family Disease. There is a sentence that states, the family members need to be supportive and patient. My AH has been struggling with sobriety. No hard core drunken states, but I think sometimes having a small amount. I smell it on him. I have stopped asking if he drank because he has always lied. I realize that alcoholics lie and learned why ask, when you know the answer. I know what my issues are. Alcoholism changes behaviors, mood and reactions of those involved. I know I have changed because I fear if he will drink, I fear another DUI, I fear my future with him, I fear his safety, I feel angry, I feel stressed and I feel abused. I'm sure my list isn't complete. Thank you for letting me say it. I don't say it to others - I feel judged. You lose yourself. I need advice on how to regain my life and how to stay detached without feeling removed. Somehow, the word detach seems the opposite of married. Your comments would be most appreciated.
I recognize all the feelings of which you speak. I too tried to support the alcoholic while losing myself and making my needs and myself invisible. Then I found alanon and began to attend daily meetings.
I found that all the symptoms that you outlined are definitely a part of living with this disease and that I was not alone. Alanon was established in order to support those who live with this dreadful disease and to help them use new constructive tools that will help us to find ourselves, learn how to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean.
Working the Steps, Attending Meetings, Living One Day At a Time, Keeping the Focus on My Self, Using the Slogans and Trusting HP ---I changed.
I let go of my expectations, my anger, resentment, self pity and ancient fear. By sharing at meetings, and with a sponsor I learned to validate and trust myself and HP. I stopped reacting and learned to "Act".
Once My trust in myself returned I could show compassion, love without expectations, and stopped judging and critiquing anyone and so I could love the alcoholic and still care for myself.
Detached means do what makes you happy to whatever degree you can. Engage in your hobbies...do not put life on hold waiting for him to change. Detachment sometimes does mean removing yourself from the alcoholic at times, but that is not a bad thing. It just means that your happiness is not 100 percent intertwined with theirs. You start to untangle your own feelings and theirs and let them have their disease rather than you owning it with them.
Yeah, if you choose to stay with an alcoholic, detachment may involve making some sacrifices that would not have to be made with a non-alcoholic. You might end up doing more things on your own. You might end up with a set of boundaries that works for you so that you can spend time together in ways where you don't feel the drinking is ruining it, but that you avoid him when drinking is going on in ways that disrupt your serenity. This is for you to work out in your alanon program.
Yes....there are ways to detach and stay married to your alcholic partner regardless of their status in recovery. However, it helps to be realistic too. As long as you are with the person, you are not going to suddenly just not care about their drinking at all. You won't detach to that degree in all likelihood. You will just detach to the degree that you regain your own freedom and sense of calm and no longer feel like their disease has you both prisoner.
Can you give us the link to the article? I can't seem to find it. I wouldn't myself say that family members need to be supportive and patient, unless I have misunderstood the directive. Supportive of their alcoholism? How could we do that? And patient about their alcoholism? I can see being detached, but I cannot see being patient as in thinking we have to invest time and energy in holding out hope that they'll see the light. That happens in their own time, not because we've invested everything in waiting for it. Or is this about alcoholics who are in recovery? As we know, the best way we can support their recovery is to focus on our own recovery.
Getting to the original question.....how do I stay supportive and patient....
as stated ealier, "we know, the best way we can support their recovery is to focus on our own recovery"......one thing i still struggle with is communication...specifically focused on the following type of scenario...significant other is in recovery, been sober for several years now. Still finding themselves during the process, not completely sure who they are what they want in certain "life" situations...to work, not to work, wants to be independant, wants to be "taken care of"....is overburdened with the errands for the kids/housework, but doesn't want anyone to help so they don't get the famous "i'm not good enough for you" state of mind/emotional drop off the cliff.
so in your experiences, how to you tell your recovering alcoholic they are doing too much, burdening themselves without implying they aren't good enough? still support them and communicate to them that while they are trying to still find themselves, we could really use another paycheck coming in!!!
how can communication be effective on these "life" things, because by their nature are very important to our happiness as well.....but not give you the feeling that your shoving them over the cliff?
