I married my father - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I married my father

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH and I were in marriage counseling yesterday and AH has determined that I officially have married my father. Of course, just recently my 14 year old told me that he thought his dad was fat, lazy, and stubborn and I remember thinking the same things about my dad, too. Hmm, what a coincidence. UGH! For so many years, I fought the idea that AH was like my dad. I would see my AH's commitment to his job, his love for his family, and his commitment to church(none of which I saw in my dad). Yet, all that's changing or has changed after 17 years of marriage. I guess my AH's issues were hidden because of my own denial as well as how he covered up a lot of his personality. A few months ago I was telling my mother how my AH accused me of an affair and how he was lamenting his life and how miserable he was, etc. Her words were, "You know who that sounds like, right? Your father!" My parents divorced when I was 18 and I was so glad that they did once I got over the initial shock, but I didn't know a lot of the ins and outs of their problems. My mom and I have talked over the years and it's taken me a long time to accept the fact that my AH is a lot like my dad. And, that honestly makes me sad. I had no respect for my dad, I didn't trust him, and I avoided him for many years because of his mistreatment of me. Gotta love the eye opening counseling sessions, UGH!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

It's common to choose a partner to heal the wounds from our parents, nothing new. Doesn't mean we can't still heal. Our healing and serenity are NEVER going to come from anywhere outside of us, that's what we want to remember.

-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 28th of November 2012 07:08:35 PM

Zimmy · Senior Member

hi ilovedogs...amazing what we see when the denial is removed isnt it. no esh, but just wanted to post a reply. hugs x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Well when counseling leaves you sick, sad, etc.you know it is working. Its a very hard process. Now you have the info, what do you do with it? I hate how the disease hurts the kids. My experience was to not allow it to seep into my kids hearts and heads. I would not let it eat them up!

Did the best I could to raise them alone being a widow, and the A who was my sons father who helped raise them at one time, was not allowed to see them or me.

I would be prepared for where you go with this knowledge. something can click and you make some huge decisions.

Hoping you take the kids and do some fun stuff. Sometime the gloom is so thick!

Am very impressed how you son could talk to you and express his thoughts. You are a good mom!

love,debilyn

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I just found an excellent old quote:

"Either God has the power to renew our lives, or He doesn't. Could God be looking at any of us and be saying, "I'd love to give you a more joyful life, but your (husband, mother, father, etc. etc) are so terrible, my hands are tied" ?

((((hugs))))

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

lol thanks again lee .. love the quote ..

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate, but I married my Mother, the sicker of the two parents, go figure. It is hard realizing these things, but with awareness comes acceptance and in time action if you see fit. I am glad you are putting the work into yourself. It is a process, so be gentle with yourself. Sending you much love and support!

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