The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Fitting in, if there is such a thing, has always been hard for me. I'm discovering why. Partly because I'm also an alcoholic and son to two alcoholics, one of which drank during pregnancy. I'm now raising my grand daughter who is 3 months old, and she shares the exact same birth defect as I do and in the same exact location. Maybe this is Gods way of letting me learn about me from someone else, I guess only the future will tell that. I've always been too hard on myself for not being the same as others, I have a learning disability and people at work make fun of me when in trying to figure something out and I get stuck. Those same things come easy to them, but not me. When they do that, I feel that flush if humiliation all over again, like I'm reliving that pain. They've seen that pain in my face that I can't hide and have lightened up somewhat, but they still do it. I just do my best to act like nothing was ever said. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. How I wish I could explain this to people who dont understand, but they'd never get it. It's no wonder that I've been angry with this world for so long. My prayers today were that I accept me and love me for who God made me to be and let the rest go.
Your honesty and clarity are impressive. I understand the deep uncomfortable feelings of which you speak. Remember that we are powerless over others and have immense power over ourselves. Keep showing up and learning the tools of alanon. We suggest that by keeping the focus on ourselves and saying what we mean and meaning what we say our lives become richer.
Just an observation, I wanted to be perfect, and did not want to have any human infirmities or difficulties . When I looked at my attitude I really anted to be GOD. Alanon suggests we use the three 3As of Awareness, Acceptance and Action in order to discover our inner drives. You have done all three here. You have identified an issue, accepted it as a part of yourself and shared about your feelings. Good job!! Now the next step is to become entirely ready to have HP remove the uncomfortable feeling around this issue and then ask him to remove this shortcoming.
It is all a process . One of the greatest gift I have received from my alanon participation is the permission to be human, make mistakes and be part of the human race.
Wow- thank you, hotrod- it is one of those things that happens nearly every day, and it took a. Retain amount of courage to post that. I'm glad I've finally met some who can relate.
Thankyou for your very honest esh. So glad your here. You post really helped me today just what i needed to read. Godbless you and your grandaughter, she's very lucky to have you as you are able to understand her in a way no other could. Keep up the goodwork!
Love Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Hi, Dave .. I too appreciate the level of honesty in your sharing .. This is one of the things i love about alanon; we belong and we all fit together .. we all share the common bond of recovery and the fact we are here for the same reasons; to heal .. we may not all have experienced a physical condition of not fitting in, but I believe most of us understand the experience of not fitting in, in general. It's painful to feel different and for me it usually carried a message of shame in that there was something wrong with Me as a person .. This week and today actually, I shared in a meeting on what is normal ? I thought I was abnormal because I wasn't waking up with a smooth-sailing type of day .. I thought everyone else in my family first and then in other areas must be because I seemed to be the only one who wasn't able to .. Many times I judged life and my insides according to what I saw on others' outsides .. My version of normal and belonging was an illusional wake up in the morning, have coffee, have everything turn out smooth .. smiling by myself .. organised in every area, going off to a great job, coming home getting a peck on the cheek, others greeting me at the door ? and then happy night til again my peaceful sleep .. i'm finally learning that to have problems in life, is normal . to have rough moments of ups and downs .. is normal .. relationships also confused me for a long time because I thought others were having relationships where everyone shared, felt nonstop serenity, peace and joy, never ran out of things to say, comfort in every moment .. when they didn't go that way for me, I thought on the inside, wow ~ that didn't go good .. it was like if so and so changed their posture, disagreed, etc .. the relationship was close to done . I'm seeing today, none of that is normal ..
I was also told in my family I'm so different than others .. Part of the reason I was judged was because I was in fact not different .. But i believed it was because I was in a childlike fantasy where to think it so made it so .. even by others .. My family and i have much more in common than some are aware .. we've all been effected by the disease of alcoholism .. Many times they focused on me but today I recognise I'm not their problem; i'm their solution to have to get real with themselves .. it's not a solution that works for me anymore but it did work for them for many years because 'I believed it .. Thanks be we all have a program to come to where we belong and fit in !!
Even if our physical ailments are different, our inner experience of life in general is much the same .. Take care of you, keep sharing, and keep growing that courage !
