The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Like in the last post I had my son over for Thanksgiving and was a very good day for both of us. But now I think I opened a can of worms because he is calling me every day. He might be drinking but of course he says he isn't. I know he's scared and will want me to help him soon and I also scared for him. I truly think he thinks I will help again and again and again.
Please God help me through this....
Thanks for reading just writing for support. Al-anon tonight :)
Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
So glad you have a meeting tonight! And that you came to us. I so know that feeling of "Where will this lead, what have I started?"
My therapist would always say, chirpily, "Here's a chance to practice your healthy behavior!" We never seem to run out of chances, lol!
Of course I know we're also warned not to borrow trouble ahead of time. I guess that's the one day at a time thing. Hope you can hang in there and keep taking good care of yourself!
Hi Cathy, I too am in a dilemma today. My daughter didn't come to thanksgiving. Chose to spend it alone, or who knows where truthfully. She's 22. I'm trying detachment for the very first time. I have been inspired by you this past week and you're commitment to try and stay detached. My daughter has been arrested twice in the past two months. Once for DUI, which she goes to court for in December, and once again a week and half ago for assault while at a bar. I was called that night repeatedly with one message telling me, "Thanks for answering your phone" very hatefully. I'm desperately trying to stay strong as she's always been by my side. Just since this summer around July have we realized she's spiraling. We've known here and there for about 6 years that she drank more than others or more often and had a hard time keeping friends, didn't take care of her vehicles, but we chalked it up to teenage behavior, or then college behavior. She's well adjusted...other than her drinking. Just bought a house and a new car has a great job.....but still feels nothing is good in her world. Is always upset now which leads to drinking, "its the only thing that stops the pain," read one of her texts to me when I asked her to not do it.
After talking to my sister-in-law yesterday she suggested I try once again to see if she'll talk to someone and seek some type of help. I've already done this and attended meetings with her since August but I lose her once the weekend comes. However, I thought her suggestion may be a nudge to me to try again. So, I sent a quick email today saying: her are some names and you really liked this one guy we talked to please feel free to go to them and have them bill me if you want.
She replied with a Thank you. and also the words. Miss You Guys. I replied back only Miss you too. As a mother my next thoughts are all the things I want to say to her like I'm here, You can do this, We can get through this together, You've pushed me away, You've chosen alcohol over us, etc.
But I haven't said anything more. You and Al-Anon are teaching me to stay detached. Does she miss me, or does she miss using me? When is mothering being a regular mother and being there for your child and when is mothering an alcoholic enabling? I'm desperately trying to learn the difference, and saying the Serenity prayer as guidance.
Stay strong. I'm glad you're going to a meeting tonight. I will be doing the same.
I know exactly what your going through. My son did 4 months in jail and got out in February. I thought he would have the 4 months to realize what he is doing but that didn't happen. I have been paying all his expenses since March and now quit about 3 months ago. He will be on the streets by the end of this week unless he finds a job....not likely. He won't get help and now is out of money so not sure but he will be selling and pawning his things to get money for his alcohol. He is loving.....too loving....so I always broke down and gave him what he needed. I was killing him slowly is what I'm told. They don't care....just need the drink. I might lose him but not by me anymore. I can only pray he will get sick and tired of be sick and tired and seek help. We can't do that for them. I'm scared and heartbroken but I will not enable him anymore. He has to feel the consequences of his choices. My helping him will just keep him where he's at now. I have tried everything to tell him I'm here but it does no good.
This Letter from a Alcoholic I read every day.
I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
By the way my son lost the home, lost the friends and lost the great job over time. I paid off the new car so he would have transportation and now he's going to sell it for money. He lost his license with the DUI so he can't drive anyways. What's scary he does anyways. 4 years I have spent trying now in the hands of God.
Let Go and Let God
((((( HUGS ))))) Cathy
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
By the way my son lost the home, lost the friends and lost the great job over time. I paid off the new car so he would have transportation and now he's going to sell it for money. He lost his license with the DUI so he can't drive anyways. What's scary he does anyways. 4 years I have spent trying now in the hands of God.
Let Go and Let God
((((( HUGS ))))) Cathy
Question: who's name is the car titled to? Who's name is the insurance coverage in?
If your name is on the title or the insurance, I'd be sending a tow truck to pick up that car. Personally, I refuse to be responsible in any way for the actions of an alcoholic.
Edited to add: (hugs)
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Wednesday 28th of November 2012 05:14:03 PM
Thank you for sharing that letter Cathy. I am going to print if that is okay and put in my book. It will be a great reminder when I am wavering in my convictions. This morning I arrived to work to find my daughter here. She brought my husband and I presents for helping her get set up in her home. He met the cable guy there while she was working and prior to her last arrest we helped install her washer/dryer etc. I have not seen her for almost two weeks and I immediately got anxiety when I seen her....first thoughts were, what does she need first thing in the morning and will she be crying because something's happened. Instead she got out of her car and brought me gifts. I hugged her and thanked her and told her I appreciated it. My heart swelled and I felt so much love for her. After she left, my mind remembered things like this she's done in the past with her exbf. She'd rage on him and drink over a weekend, he'd break up with her for it all, then she'd buy him gifts to make amends. I've seen her give him cards, letters, apologetic texts.....after bad behavior.
I'm afraid of losing her forever and losing this good and wonderful side of her....but I'm afraid (I use that word often don't I?) of bringing her close again already knowing its just two days until the weekend again. Your letter and support will help me keep the distance. I can say thank you and hug her and tell her I love her but remain detached. I can do this.
That car is in his name and of course no insurance on it. I had the car with me until he wanted it back so I took him down to MDV and but it in his name. That's one thing I did do right.....nothing in my name.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
