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I haven't been posting for a while, but have been reading regularly. First, I just want to say Thank You! to everyone. I learn so much from this board!
Since I last posted my AH of 20+ years has gone out of state to find work. We aren't officially separated, but I told him I was done and want a divorce. He begged said he would change etc. and in the same breath had to go on and on about how it was my fault too. He actually continues to blame his drinking and long absenses on me.
Even though I am so done with putting up with his behavior, I am still struggling with this awful pain in my heart.
It's a mixture of regret for wasting my youth on him, and a sense of disbelief that he could throw it all away. The other day as I was pondering this (obsessing over it?) I realized I am worried about how he will manage without ME? How could he throw ME away? How could he not see that I was the best thing to ever happen to HIM? How could he not see that his life is going to go straight down the tubes without me to HELP him? On and on. Then I had a very stark realization that I have been very arrogant and actually saw myself as his "saviour" all these years, selflessly sacrificing my happiness to help him keep his life on track, at least somewhat. I also realized that if I had faced reality sooner and not allowed the sick behavior between the two of us to go on, maybe he would have actually done better than he has! Maybe I've kept him from hitting bottom and getting his life straightened out years ago? I realize that this might be obvious to others in the program, but it was the first time I really got it, and realized I was/am truly as sick as he is, and rather than being the savior I thought I was I was simply enabling him (and myself) to stay sick and unhappy for years.
I don't know where I will go from here. But, for today, I am going to choose not to obsess over him and give myself a break from beating myself up. I did what I did all those years not knowing any better. Today, I can do better because I know better, and I am going to choose to love and be kind to myself because I don't deserve punishment and self loathing. I deserve understanding and compassion from myself.
Again, thank you all for sharing. You all have been my lifeline through a very dark time and I am so grateful for you and for Al-anon!
I don't know where I will go from here. But, for today, I am going to choose not to obsess over him and give myself a break from beating myself up. I did what I did all those years not knowing any better. Today, I can do better because I know better, and I am going to choose to love and be kind to myself because I don't deserve punishment and self loathing. I deserve understanding and compassion from myself.
Dear Trying to Change
I selected the above quote from your powerful share because it speaks to your growth and recovery.
When I first came into program and was asked to examine my motives, I too found that I thought myself the "Savior of the World" I do not understand how I appointed myself to this task but I do believe I thought if I could fix everything and make everyone happy my life would be OK. Naturally I neglected myself. I thought that since I was taking care of everyone else they SHOULD take care for me. NOT SO
Entering alanon I was given new constructive tools to live by. I needed to be gentle with myself, focus on my needs and wants, trust HP and treat everyone with kindness and compassion. This was not much different from my other actions except that I had to take care of myself first and trust HP. What a world of difference this has made in my life!!!
Please keep coming back and sharing You re worth it.
Did the same for 11 years .. I can't beat myself up either .. I was unable to walk away because I was powerless also .. Basically, I had no awareness, no wisdom, no understanding of why i was there in the first place which is the real question for me.. After all these years, I realise the spiritual reasons I stayed .. the connections to my own past which had nothing to do with him .. I was so comfortable with him, I felt like i'd known him my whole life .. Turns out I did, I knew the behavior .. Take the drugs out of the picture and the behavior is still ironically the same in some areas etc .. He was my connection to my family unknowingly .. Even to the point there were the same number of kids in his family as in mine (siblings this is) .. I was in the same settings, took on the same role, etc.. was treated the same .. It was very sick and I had no idea .. Not just one time around but two through the same upbringing dynamics .. and through it all I wasn't the problem, I was the solution .. Turns out if they could blame me through the years, they had their solution .. It worked because I believed it for years too .. if they could make me look bad, in their minds that made them look good .. that and the fact they didn't have to make any changes or even look at their part ..
As for thinking they couldn't do without us, I did the same until I had my own realization .. This man was strong enough to Survive his own family dynamics, court appearances, jail time, a life growing up with connections in one of the roughest areas in town, the family connections, a drug addiction .. but .. he wasn't strong enough to survive .. Me ? I can laugh at it today but I couldn't back then .. although I did the day I had the realization .. It was healing to see my own insanity (unclear thinking) .. I was much sicker than him .. he had the drinking/drugging so to speak; I had the thinking ..
Well, we aren't together today and there has been much I've come to see through the years .. I'm grateful for the time though because it led me here .. I get today Alanon is for Me .. He had every opportunity under the sun to change but nothing so far has gotten him to make this choice .. They can take the same absolute large load of pain we can and who knows, maybe more .. we are the ones here .. The big AA book reads, Do we continue to allow our spouses, partners, friends, etc . continue to abuse us when there lies before them a path to choose .. He even made it through the doors of AA with a great sponsor but chose to stay away .. who knows, maybe he'll end up back there and just isn't ready .. it's for hp to decide ..
Even today, it still hurts and I still feel his loss, but I know even this is the pain of past abandonment .. That and the fact, this person isn't withdrawing love, he's withdrawing codependency as well .. I had enough of that in me too ..
Glad you had your realization .. hope you keep sharing !! The greatest gift in Alanon is there will always be light to shine in our darkness !
Betty, I always love your shares .. I love the Savior of the World reply .. I seemed to have appointed me to this too .. Even my own Savior and what a failure feeling that's been to find I can't fix myself even .. tehh .. Have to keep turning that one over .. what an exhausting role to be in .. well i at least don't call myself a failure for the disease of alcoholism today even when I feel like one .. recognizing all my confusion is absolutely normal from where I've come from .. That normal word truly has tripped me up .. Nice to know it's more the cycle on the washing machine than we know .. different things are normal for different circumstances .. My craziness was normal considering I was in the presence of a crazy making addict and surrounded by manipulating behaviors, etc.. heck I was even crazymaking with myself and feeling it .. one day at a time .. gotta keep steppin on ..
Thank you both for your encouraging responses. I am so grateful to know when I start feeling like slipping into old / familiar behaviors I can come here and get the support I need to make healthy, responsible decisions that are not based on fear and sick thinking.
I need to have THE talk with him and let him know it is truly over this time. I'm sure he will try all the things that worked before, but I have made up my mind not to ride that merry-go-round again. I intend to tell him we're no longer good for each other, and haven't been for a very long time and that it is over and I will be filing for divorce. If he tries the promising the moon routine I will stop him and say I don't want to talk anymore unless it has to do with the divorce or the kids and then hang up.
I am praying tonight for my HP to give me the strength to say it with kindness but not weakness, and to prepare my AH's heart to hear me and to not become bitter and angry.
What a great share and I could have written it myself in terms of my own marriage and demise of it. The thing I have come to realize is I only need to be responsible for my part of what happened and that is it. I do not need to carry the other stuff too. As sick as both my STBAX and myself are/were he also had choices to continue the his behavior or not. It's a great relief to know I don't have to carry both sides of the equation and beat myself up for things that I didn't cause, can't control and certainly won't cure.
I'm so not perfect however I can be gentle with myself and know I have always tried to do the best that I can do with the current information I had, today I can do better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
