"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

sheristeele · Member

Hurting inside after kicking my son out.

hdftby100 · Senior Member

As much as this may be hard, if he shows up call the police. I am on this board for other reasons but the basic jist is you have to have set boundaries with him and if he doe not abide by them you need to follow through or they are no good. I had to kick my 19 year old son out a few years ago. Smaller issue but after an initial arrest for graffitti, I told him one more arrest and he was out immediately. When he got arrested for shoplifting, I told him "You know what this means, right?" He said yes and went and packed his bags. Something I did do was if you are able to (this is up to you) I would meet my son once a week out somewhere for breakfast (I paid). My son gt his act together and got his own place and now has a good and stable job. You can only hope that your son will get his act together but until he hits rock bottom and decides to get help on his own and take control of his own life, the drug addiction will continue. He is only wanting a place to stay because wherever he was before has told him to hit the road.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so inspired by the love in hdftby's post, how he stuck to his boundary, he loved and cared for himself by refusing to let his son back into his home, yet still expressed Love by not leaving him entirely out in orbit, by meeting with him once a week. that is a beautiful example of detaching with love, and my heart feels full. I don't have experience with kicking an addict out of my house, however, I have had to detach from the crazymaking insanity. sometimes I detached "at all costs." it was the best I could do at that time.

So, take care of yourself WHATEVER that looks like, sheri. Love includes YOU too, I no longer sacrifice myself anymore, putting my needs on the back burner while I care MORE for others, nope. I love myself too much to invite insanity into my sacred space today.

Please get some support from your local meetings, with a fellowship that understands. You are worth it, my friend ((hugs))

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

It's hard to see someone we love hurting. Since being by his side and helping did not improve his situation, I don't think you can go wrong with trying this avenue. It took years to find out "enabling" did not help, please give boundaries and detachment more than a week - his behavior and issues will not change overnight.

It's painful - whether we watch someone we love stay in their addiction, or we watch them struggle, it hurts sometimes unbearably. But from what I read and see here, they have a much better chance (not guarantee) of finally wanting sobriety when we stop catching their falls.

If he shows up, give him a duffle bag with sleeping bag and some toiletries - this is what I would do. Seems harsh but does not break your boundary and in time he will realize you care. If he is intrusive and won't go when told, then yes the police need to be called.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

Afraidparent · Veteran Member

So sorry you are dealing with this. I have not had to kick my daughter out, she has her own home but we fear if she continues her drinking she will lose that.

I can only imagine your heart and what you may be feeling as your phone is showing his texts. I'm so thankful for the service workers who reply and give strength, support, and background knowledge to help in a situation like this. Astrongerme, I appreciate the idea of giving detachment more than a week. I am at my first week of detachment and have been told today that she "misses us". I miss her so much in just a week, but I also know she has a place to be warm and can feed herself. A week is minimal when my goal is a healthier life for her. I have to stay strong and know that my reply Miss you too is all I need to say today.

Many hugs to you Sherristeele. Stay on here all day and throughout the night if need be, there is so much support here.

Sarah325 · Member

I am a newbie...My husband and I have been trying to help our niece who is 34 and an A. she has no job, trying to get her GED, went thru rehab (didn't take) last spring. she went thru detox with us at her side, taking care of her, and we thought she was making progress, but has picked up several times. We have been driving her to aa meetings and making her dinner everynight. Yesterday she snuck in alcohol- topped off oj w vodka and a water bottle filled w vodka. So when I woke her up to take her to school, she was drunk. Stupidly I didn't catch on right away...after class, she admitted it, promised it would never happen again, and we took her to another meeting. Today she got up sober, I dropped her off at class and she walked home to her apt where she pulled out the hidden booze and got drunk. Then she called and asked me to come over...I was hacked off. I told her I was done. She called 2 hours later and asked for a ride to a meeting. We really could not have done more for this girl...she had a crappy childhood, but how much of an excuse is that?
Please help

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Sheri and Sarah Welcome to Miracles in Progress,

It is indeed a painful experience to cope with the disease of alcoholism in the family. As you no doubt are aware, alcoholism is a disease over which we have no control. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we argue, try to please, help or force a solution , we cannot force an alcoholic' into recovery.

Living with the effects of this disease causes family members to become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. In alanon face to face meetings we connect and break the isolation of living with this illness. . Using the new constructive tools offered by alanon, we start to find an inner peace and find new constructive ways of dealing with our problems.

help in finding alanon meetings can be found at this web site

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

You are definitely not alone and there is hope

Sarah I suggest that you start a new topic and introduce yourself so others can welcome you.

Sarah325 · Member

Thanks! Just figured that out! :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t43783465/tough-love/

Hi Sheri - glad you found us.... I copied the above link to an old post of mine - from my experience.... there is definitely no 'right or wrong' answers here, nor any guarantees of success.... Just wanted to say hi, and that you are NOT alone in this.... Your son will hopefully find his way to recovery, and soon....

WHat about you - what are YOU doing for your own recovery??

Keep coming back

Tom

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Tom

That story on tough-love I have to read every day. I forgot again and offered rent to my son if he got a job. He had been sober but this morning he called and was not sober. So sad and mad at myself to think he would be any different than others with this disease.

I'm still in denial I guess

Sheri I know what your going through. I just have to remember the most you can do for your son is NOTHING. Let Go and Let God

Cathy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"