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So I have not been on here for a long time... I left for a few weeks, he called and begged and promised that it would be different. It was for a while, only because I changed my attitude and the way his drinking affects me. Now, I find myself back in the same ol same ol.... Every night he drinks and every morning our home looks like a wild party has gone on the night before, only it was a party of one. I bag up garbage bags full of bottles and cans every day and he takes them to the dumpster. Every night, I listed to drunken banter and then I have to get up and go teach 2nd graders like I have no care in the world. Actually, my students and my dog are my saving grace. Right now, I would love to be able to lay down and sleep a deep and restful sleep. But I can't. My drunk husband has the tv up so loud that you can hear it outside and he is talking to his friends on Xbox and the more he drinks, the louder he gets. Also, the dog gets extremely nervous which in turn adds to my anxiety. Leaving now is not an option for me because of my job and I really don't have the means to leave. And I don't want to leave here, I like the apartment and my awesome neighbors. I wish he would leave, but I know he won't. He buys me things like a new laptop, tv and printer to make up for his drunken behavior... even though he knows all I want is for him to quit drinking. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I told him that all I want is for him to get sober, that just made him drink more.
On the bright side, I am not as homesick as I once was. I have a long term substitute position, which will hopefully lead to a full time position. I have made a couple of friends, and I have a neighbor who has adopted me and my dog, Chloe. She takes care of Chloe while I am at work. My husband has worked some, but he still drinks at least 8-10 beers when he gets home. I look forward to when he works out of town so I can have some normalcy.
It is my bed, I have chosen to come back and now I must tough it out until I can afford to leave or get up the courage to go see a lawyer and have it written in the divorce papers that I get to stay in the apartment. I can't complain to my friends or family, this was my choice
-- Edited by almostgivenup on Monday 26th of November 2012 10:10:19 PM
Almost...welcome back...are there any Al-Anon meetings close to home for you to attend? Are you attending now? Outside friends are great and where would I be without them. Outside friends who are also members of Al-Anon are super and I wouldn't think of leaving home without them. Keep coming back here to MIP...((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry. I went to one meeting a few months ago. It was tough and honestly my attitude was really bad. I was feeling resentful, bitter and angry. I felt all of these feelings because here I was, getting help for HIS problem, while he was at home getting hammered. But, maybe I should go back now. I have a different outlook, and I do need friends. I realize now that it isn't about him, it is about me and getting myself out of this hole. I feel guilty sometimes for leaving my puppy here with him because I know the affect his drinking has on her.
I pray that he will change, but I am afraid it will never happen. And I know that I can't live the rest of my life this way. It is so hard to be cussed out every night and then showered with gifts to make up for it. In his mind, I should be grateful for all the money he makes when he works and that he spends it freely on me and Chloe. I am thankful that he has a good paying job, I just wish he worked every day (he is in construction).
Thank you for welcoming me back... I have been reading a lot of posts this afternoon and it helps to know that I am not alone.
I am so glad that you returned and have "not given up" . As you know the only requirement for membership in alanon is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
Alcoholism is a disease that not only affects the person who has the condition but it infects all that come in contact with it. You mentioned your dog becoming very nervous when the mood in your house changes. I found my cat did the same. I always wanted to start an "alacat meeting "If you can see that change in your little pet please know that your inner being has also being affected.
I came and stayed in alanon because I needed help.in order to continue to show up for my life. My staying and working the program had nothing to do with the alcoholic. I had to find a way to let go of all the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that grew inside of me because it was killing me.
Please keep coming back, check out the face to face meetings and attend. You are so worth it.
So glad you are back and I hope you will keep coming back. I know I didn't go to my first go around at alanon for me, I didn't even go for the second go around for me, or the third now that I think about it. The last time I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I remember going to a meeting where a long timer came up to me and said .. you look familiar and I laughed and said yup, I have been here before, .. I didn't keep coming back .. you can see how well that worked for me. :)
So don't be worried about going back to a meeting if that is what is holding you back in any way. You are so not alone.
You aren't required to make any decisions today about what you want to do long term, I put it out there to God for a while before I decided to follow through on divorce I even retained a lawyer before making that decision.
Keep taking care of you because you are worth it and if you can start back to those meetings because I can only speak for the fact they have saved my life on many levels.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
One day at a time. It sounds so much like a cliche but it really is true. Just remember, telling them once you wish they would stop drinking is expressing an opinion and genuine concern. Saying it more than once is nagging. Try expressing your feelings to him once when he is sober. Just say it simply and then move on. It's not a discussion or debate. You simply state your feelings with no response or expectation of one from him. Then move on, maybe even leave the room. Try the book "Getting Them Sober". It helps. Also do one thing each day for yourself, even if its just 15 minutes, for pure enjoyment or fun. This is NOT something that you normally do every day that is required (i.e. you love to teach. You do this as your career.) Take a walk, get a pedicure, massage, hot bath, etc. Keep coming back.
Glad you're here with us and are open to giving face to face meetings another try. Others have given great suggestions. I just wanted to share with a bit of my own experience. Please just take what you like and leave the rest as they say. My ex apologized with material things too. Back then I believed it was all he could give and that he gave things due to shame concerning his behavior. Today, I think it went deeper than that. I believe it was a form of manipulation to keep control of me and have me think I was too much in a one down position financially to leave him, to gain pity from me concerning his behavior/actions, to keep me hostage because in his disease well... some disaster could happen like (running out of alcohol or meds) and he might need someone to coerce into helping him. My dogs were very much affected by his behavior too and that felt sad for me as well.
You are already working step 1 by coming back here and you can be thankful you aren't in denial about what is going on in your home. That's real progress. Keep coming back, you'll keep growing stronger. Any decisions you want to make that are right for you and your own life can become clearer with time and experience in Alanon. This was my experience anyway. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Glad you are back and keep coming back. I hear you beating yourself up a bit for your decisions, be gentle with yourself, we have all made decisions that later didn't bring us peace of mind. I hope you can try the face to face meetings again, there I found my sponsor and she is priceless and so are the other people in the group who have helped me on my journey. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I really relate to your posts. This year has been the worst with my AH. I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is hard, especially when you think about the what if I had done things differently. But be easy on yourself, something I have learned is that being in this situation has changed me too and my life is unmanageable. That was hard for me to accept but when I did, it made it easier for me to be compassionate with myself. The online meetings have been wonderful for me. There is so much that I am learning...but it takes time. So keep your head up. Focus on you!!!! Good Luck!
