The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came across this group on the internet. I need help. I have been with this man for 8 months and the lies about getting help are just that.. lies.. I dont want to enable any more. I love him, but how do I do this 'tough love' deal. I even thought of admitting myself into the mental hosptial just to get normal. He can be nice and amazing but can be beyond harsh with words that are like a knife stabbing my soul. I know people have been through this because, and I just need some help.
HI Kweb, welcome you are in the right place. Al-Anon teaches us that we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. Al-Anon is here for us, for us to heal. The alcoholic is responsible for themself and we are responsible for us. I go to face to face Al-Anon meetings were I get love and support from others affected by this horrible disease.
I hope you find the love, peace & serenity that Al-Anon gives.
The best thing you can do is to get help for yourself. Al Anon meetings are a great place to go, and there are some books as well. Getting them Sober is a great series, I can't recommend it enough. Coming here is another great thing to do, read through the threads you will find a lot of love and understanding here.
Sometimes the tough love thing is for me .. For me to set healthy boundaries that can be flexible and within reason .. In short, determining what I need to do for me in order for me to remain emtionally and mentally safe (not abused) I have been through it .. I was there for 11 years .. When I was in it, it was emotionally toxic and I couldn't think clear .. now that I'm out of it, I'm starting to see it ..
Sounds like you are getting some clarity much sooner than I did .. One of the things I learned in balance is that the enabling I was doing Some of the time was ironically for me to survive the emotional pain .. (I didn't know this at the time; I know it today) .. I had to learn to be gentle with myself .. It was a shocker to watch the behavior changes or disease progression ..
They say the addict will stay in and use until the pain of using grows bigger than the fear of letting go .. This is why it is so important for others to allow the alc and addict to feel the effects of their own behavior .. What helped me is that a member shared in a meeting once that in regard to someone they love who would pass out on their living room floor .. they realised they had to think of what was in the persons "best" interest .. which they realised wouldn't always be their happiest or most comfortable.. So when the alc came home and passed out on the living room floor .. this person realised it wasn't necessarily in their "best interest" to be walked upstairs, tucked comfortably into bed, and erase their embarrassing memories ..
With that as an example, I would never give an alanoner advice .. The solutions are different for all of us .. the above is merely a share of experience that may or may not give you strength and hope .. What works for one might not for another and I never could fix my own life, none of us could .. The answer is just coming and sharing, reading and learning by others shares .. Good luck in this .. It's one day at a time ..
I would try hitting some alanon meetings. There's a few things you could try and work on here. To have this much drama and problems at only 8 months in....That would be a HUGE red flag for most people to bail on a relationship. For us, the thought is that it's like some sick project and we can manipulate the alcoholic/addict like a puppet somehow for their own good (and ours). We think that it's all a big play and we can direct the characters to change the scenes we did not like into scenes that we enjoyed better.
Fact of the matter is, someone that hurls verbal abuse at you EVER that stabs like a knife in your soul is not capable of also being "so wonderful and great" at the same time. This is your perception. No matter how someone treats me in the past...if they abuse me (hit me, call me horrible names) it cancels out the good and I'm not sticking around for more cuz I have enough experience to know that the verbal abuse and the "bad" is was is closer to real. I've been manipulated in those situations because if they were capable of being that nasty, the good times were probably manipulation on their part or just a reflection of how sick the person is since they can't maintain being a good and morally just person on a consistent basis. That type of behavior is disturbing, disappointing, and definitely not something I would even ponder on how to fix.
When my ex-A used to get nasty with me when drinking, I figured deserved it. I thought I was deserving of that treatment. I did not heed the red flags and continued on in the relationship for 7 years. By the end of that, I was a total shell of a person. I completely lost all sense of self just to try and make a toxic relationship that was not meant to work....work.
I do empathize. If my current partner somehow mysteriously turned evil overnight and started verbally abusing me, I'd be REALLY hurt. However, it wouldn't necessarily stab into my soul now because my soul doesn't belong to my partner. Though meetings and the 12 steps I reshifted my thinking about my soul and my relationships. My soul belongs to God (my HP). I don't hand over my soul to romantic partners. That is a mistake I also made all too many times.
