The material presented
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Hi everyone, my name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Growing up in an alcoholic household we werent used to being happy. Happiness was not something that came around very often in my home. The alcoholic was saddled with unrealistic expectations and when those expectations werent met, the alcoholic was put down and berated. My mother was not a very giving woman. She was very selfish and bitter and made it seem as though we were undeserving of all the good things. Even when good things happened to the family, it wasnt good enough. She also grew up in an alcoholic home. She never dealt with this and developed schizophrenia.
The alcoholic blamed himself for this. He thought he was the reason. This lead to heavier drinking, dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships, layoffs and a bankruptcy. I was afraid to bring anyone home, and to bring anyone into my life. I was always tired of having someone elses actions and decisions affecting me. I grew up envious of all around me that had healthy lives. I already felt rejected before I gave people a chance to make a decision. I always grew jealous of those who were able to build their lives at their own pace whereas I was under the spell of the alcoholic. The alcoholic drained everything away, money, self-esteem and happiness forcing me to scramble, missing opportunities at meeting some wonderful people and some valuable experiences. Every time I would come across someone I would do something to make sure they rejected me because I automatically thought they would anyway. Whenever friends get into relationships I get angry and feel as though I am getting rejected. Almost as if it re-inforced what I felt, which was unworthy and not good enough. I now feel I am slowly drifting away from them as I feel like I am always sitting at the kids table.
Time and Al-Anon is helping this. Slowly and I mean Ssssslllllooowwwlllyyyy I am gaining a sense that I am worth it. I deserve to be happy and have all the good things in life. I am building roots so I may soar high, but I am getting a sense that maybe I am feeling left out not because I am out-growing my peers but because I feel I dont deserve a life with close friends because if they only knew what my life and upbringing was truly like, they would judge me and use it against me.
I feel like I am afraid to get close to someone because of that. I have spoken at several open meetings. Every time I get incredible reviews at how far I have come. I am proud of how far I have come but I am afraid. I am afraid that I wont get another chance at happiness with someone. Its scary. I need to trust my higher power will help me and I need to live in faith.
Great share Jim...got good portions of my own journey in it too including the fear thingy...the fear feelings. I got help when I was given the acronym for fear as F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal. May was I so relieved when I understood that the fearful thoughts I was reacting to were made up in my insane brain. Things changed immediately when I inventoried my thought about which I was fearful and found them negative fantasy only. I started throwing them out left and right and found peace of mind and more serenity. Over the last year because of a police assault last Nov...my head began to run with the fear and anger dialogue again which is normal when I can't let the issue go. So I got more information which told me that my PTSD kicked back in again and was raging...PTSD's foundation is fear of the past taking over the present. I also found out that the opposite of fear is love. That one came direct from my HP and including a video presentation that HP commented on after I watched it. The opposite of FEAR is LOVE. Fear cannot exist where love does and the opposite is also true. Learn to love unconditonally...become a loving person...and the fear goes away. It works for me....and then happinesss become an inward reaction.
Thank you for your share. My fear comes when I feel "too happy". I don't like feeling too happy, because it hurts more when someone hurts me...so I feel I need to be prepared for being hurt by being prepared for the worst! Does this make sense? So, I try not to feel too good...because I am waiting for the problems to start. It's something I need to work on
What Sunnygirl said really rings true with me when it relates to the A in my life. But, when it comes to other people I am always happy, and never fearful even though people have hurt me or let me down. I think, for me, my fear is directly related to my AH and how the patterns we have developed over the years have created a self image problem in me and a fear response to him. I guess I spend too much time 'waiting for the other shoe to drop', and that takes away my ability to seek happiness.
Thank you Jim for your heartfelt share. I can relate to so much of what you posted, and some of it was like a slap in the face despite my jovial take on life. Things that were below the surface but never recognized about myself. Hidden jealousies, coveting what other's have, etc are all things I need to work on because I need to find gratitude TODAY for what God has given me, even if it's just for today. Making a gratitude list has helped me immensely in this process because I read it and know that I am truly blessed and that allows my happiness to flow to others overpowering any negative emotions I feel at that point in time, does that make sense? LOL, I think I went in a circle there!
Jim, I really respect you for a number of reasons. Your shares are very honest and insightful. Plus, I don't think you recognize what a miracle you are. You are not alone on this board as an ACOA, but having one alcoholic parent and one with a major mental illness like Schizophrenia.... To be as healthy and self-sufficient as you are is pretty remarkable. That basically sounds like getting emotionally orphaned and it would have to leave some serious scars on you. It sounds like you are working through it and you are at a MUCH MUCH healthier spot than I would expect for someone with that parent combo. You are only 28... That is pretty young. I don't know what God has in store for you but it must be good because you do not seem to be spiralling into tradegy, despite where you came from.
Our self-care, self-esteem, self-soothing abilities come from our parents. We internalize those voices, so when you had a combo of unavailable and/or harsh/punishing parents, where would your positive self-concept and self-soothing abilities come from? You are having to learn them as an adult and it feels hugely awkward, but it's better than the alternatives. It does seem you have come a long ways and you are only 28. I guess I just wanted to serve as another person that is objective because you might not realize how amazing it is that you are such an insightful and grounded young man as you are. You have had some profound experiences and a unique type of ESH...For those reasons, you are not going to be compatible with just anyone. Keep working your program and stick to your faith as you have identified already.
P.S. - I have a female friend that comes from a similar upbringing. She is hugely successful, has lots of friends, and is driven and a perfectionist, but her cheif complaint in life is that she hasn't been able to have a lasting romantic relationship. I think she is sort of stuck in survival mode from her childhood and it's hard for her to relax and give up the control due to some of that. I don't know all of the issues and how they play out for ACOAs becausee that is not my history and I haven't walked in your shoes. You'd think you'd be compatible with someone like this, but in my experience, people with the same issues as you are actually not compatible.
If it weren't for the honesty and courage on your end, I wouldn't be able to have the honesty and courage on my end .. I love the shares that come form the heart because they are real and what a gift to the rest of us .. It's what allows us to finally get rid of our masks ..
I feel like you just described my entire childhood .. I hit on that subject in a meeting not too long ago .. For me, when I'm in a relationship, I cling to it as if it's my last chance for intimacy .. I think that's how it's put in Alanon's Hope for Today .. Alanon has taught me that Intimacy is honesty .. It hit me one day when I was sitting there, Here I am desperately clinging clutching and grabbing these relationshpis that were never built on honest communication to begin with .. (but somehow, It 'felt like they were) The truth is I'm not losing my last chance for honest relationships .. That seemed to help me and it's just my experience .. I must have been ready to hear it when I heard it ..
I too grew up jealous of other kids, their relationships especially with their moms .. My mother wasn't ' emotionally available all the time and we lacked an honest mother, daughter relationship .. When it came to my family I resented them too .. In general, I began to resent the family period .. So much that if you were from a family ? yep, I resented you .. If you were a brother, sister, etc .. deep down my big secret was that I resented you .. (I didn't even know you, but Just the mere Idea of family, I resented) .. I spent years thinking I was just a jealous and dramatic person by nature though and today I finally recognise it's not that I'm a jealous person by nature .. If there are excluding behaviors, harmful, hurtful behaviors, I'm going to feel the effects of them ..
Thank you for your share .. It wouldn't do us much good if we were to sugarcoat situations .. already been there and done that .. it's what led me to the steps ..
I can relate to your share in so many ways. I still wonder at times if I am normal or worthy of people's time, attention and/or love, but it is very rarely. After almost 2 years of Al-anon meetings, readings and having a sponsor, I do feel worth it more than ever before and am able to have a normal relationships with friends. I do realize I am a great person. No matter what I came from and through I can overcome it and it doesn't have to define me. I am not my past and have survived so many things to become who I am and I like myself and am mostly comfortable in my skin these days. It takes time and I had to really face myself and some of my stuckness through the steps and when I was diligent in my program I definitely grew in leaps and bounds. As a child life was rough, but I am no longer that child that has to deal with unhealthy adults controlling my life or direction and am free to do whatever and be who I want to be. This program has truly helped me to break free of dysfunctional cycles of old and smile now even in the heat of this journey, which is not all roses, but so worth it. I now have the tools to get through things without having a tantrum, hiding or resorting back to crisis mode. I used to complain about my A's to any one that would listen and to my poor unfair life and now I see how much my past has shaped me and I am better for each and every experience no matter how hard it was to get through, I survived! I am so glad to hear your progress and know you are working hard in your program and I have heard much growth. Sending you love and support on oyur journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I feel this same feeling as well. Growing up, my father was an alcoholic and my mother drank, but with moderation. My father would abuse the both of us, eventually the police came one night and he was taken away. Then my parents divorced. Later on in life, my mother became an abusive alcoholic. They both admitted I was an accident, they both told me I would amount to nothing. They were constantly hot and cold with me.. Kicking me out of their lives then reeling me back in.
I share all of these qualities in dating you have listed. I constantly feel like I'm going to be rejected, so I just became timid and shy. I did not desire human relations because I thought all people were like this (friends blowing off plans, getting stood up on dates, getting dumped, not getting that job) etc.. I just expected constant disappointment from others.
Then when something nice happens...
I begin to attempt to destroy it. Happens in every relationship. I always think compliments are just people feeling sorry for me (rather than genuine), and am always suspicious of partners cheating. I will develop false beliefs and fantasies of my partner cheating, breaking my heart and let it just eat away at my soul. It's so frustrating. I will say things like "You know you can just dump me I won't be mad." and say "sorry" for the dumbest things where it's really not necessary.
I really want to break free from this. I'm starting to become ostracized from my group of friends with claims of being "crazy" "paranoid" etc.. I am that way, but it's something that I really have to strive to surpass and they do not understand that.
