The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Funny I come here sometimes, start a post and delete it. Not sure why I'm just weird that way. Maybe this one too?
As the weeks pass since I called it totally over with the exABF the real person is surfacing. He put on a good show for 10 months. He really and truly is a sweet guy but as we here all know that's not enough.
But I sit here just feeling really sorry for him. Not in the "oh I need to help him" manner but in the "he really has no idea how sick he is, does he" manner. On this last relapse about 3+ weeks ago I guess he's gone in and out of detox/relapse. I don't have a lot of information, the few emails with him have been on some other plane with some closure, some feelings on both sides, etc. I had his phone blocked for awhile, broke the facebook link (still is) and then he was texting my mom!! He attempted to manipulate her and she did great, stayed out of it, was direct with him and I guess it solidified the end for him somehow.
His daughter-in-law contacted me last night, they are worried and haven't been able to get in contact with him for weeks. On that note with kids worrying I checked with his friend who did some digging. He apparently called the police on himself claiming he was going to hurt himself a few days ago and was on a 72 hour hold. I see this and just think "drunken drama". I also think he's reading this page from some comments he made and it just honestly makes me sad for him.
I could not be more glad I'm out of that. I see now the level of crazy he's capable of when things are really hard and there's no way I can live with someone like that. So while I'm thankful I met him because to be honest he taught me that there are genuinely sweet guys out there who can be good to me, I'm equally thankful that the most time I lost is 10 months before I realized the life of insanity I was headed for.
To put the icing on the cake, he's back on a dating website. I'm not even sure I'm up for dating right now the most I could probably handle is a dinner and some conversation. It takes me a really long time to go through any dating stuff. He was the first real relationship I'd had in 5 years and just goes to show you how strong this enabling/codependency thing is. I'm certainly a thousand times stronger than I was 20 years ago but clearly, it's still embedded in me. I'm thankful I can see these as learning opportunities and not as a crushing blow. I do not feel crushed, broken or lost. I feel good that I made a good choice, sure 9 months too late but last time it was 15 years too late so I've made progress LOL.
Had a fantastic holiday with family and it's still going on. In my hometown seeing my brothers' families, my parents, my mom is doing great from her breast cancer surgery Monday (she's actually feistier and more bull headed than me!!) and just so relaxed right now. Life is good and everything we do is an opportunity for more growth.
good for you! It's so nice when we get these moments of clarity, that allow us to take a step back and see the whole picture..when it all makes sense, and when we manage to stay out of that hurricane of craziness.
You go on, enjoy the good moments of life, and really grab on to that wave of serenity and positive attitude. Life is good, if we choose to!
Thanks for sharing, your consistency and strength is giving me hope. The window to reality opened up for me too this week, I feel scared, intimitated of what will come next, of what I will have to do... but I love the clarity, the lightness of things all of a sudden, the peace ...and I want myself to get and stay to that side of life too.
You and your mom have been in my prayers. I'm so glad you had a wonderful holiday!!
You give me a lot of hope that there is more than just surviving out there ... there is a lot of real living.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree with P, you do give us hope that life is out there to be lived, despite the drama that codependency brings and that it can be lived well. Hugs to you! So glad you are having a lovely holiday weekend!
Don't follow me I'm lost too? LOL. I don't really know how to do any of this. I"m just better at knowing when it's not working but I still react and have a long way to go with the "detached with love". I still drop off that love part often and recognize I'm still in a protective mode. The whole pendulum thing, I was over to one side then I went all the way to the other side. It's just taking forever to find the middle. I'm resigned to the fact that as soon as I think I've got it, "IT" changes the face and I have to learn "IT" all over again from a new angle.
