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Hes 32 days sober and hes doing great but all of a sudden got a huge attitude and started blaming me for everything. I understand hes going to be irritable but I dont understand why he has to b so mean to me. When does it get easier and what should I do to help him? Does NA beer really help?
I'm new to all this, but at the same time, I do know that his illness is in no way a reason to take it out on you. No one should tolerate being made to feel less than the great person they are. He has to help himself, and you have to love yourself more. From what I have read from other posts, this is a LONG journey. It isn't that cut and dry to recovery. If at all possible, it's better just to ignore it, don't feed into it, and walk away.
I'm glad you're here. I'm afraid it doesn't sound as if he's doing great to me. If he's drinking NA beer, he is teetering on the edge of a relapse. And being irritable is not doing so great. That said, it is not unusual. The first year or two are pretty stormy, typically. The best thing you can do to help is to work hard on your own recovery. Do you have a meeting? I hope you'll find one, or attend and work on your own serenity -- I imagine you have had a lot to deal with. Hugs.
Your right it does feel hes about to relapse. Hes brought up beer 3 times within the hour. He says NA beer helps him not to drink. So im going to have to deal with this for a year or two? Ive heard people (even a sponsor) say its not about me. What does tht mean?
Read the book "Getting Them Sober". Good stuff and really helps US. While the attitude he has towards you is not about you, how you react and what you do is. Remember, this is his problem, not yours. He's going to get mad, drink or not drink, but what are YOU going to do... You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. This includes not only the drinking but all the attitude and side effects so to speak that go along with it.
Aloha Bryteyes and welcome....I've heard what you have explained as a "dry drunk"...not drinking but acting like they've been drinking. Non-alcoholic beer does in many cases have a .5 degree of alcohol per bottle; not a big number like 3.2 or others and still alcohol...he might also be reacting to withdrawals from alcohol which was a major part of his life and which will give him the jitters when he can't find something for the moment to replace it. His best bet to fill that hole is with HP, sponsor and AA meetings and you can't do anything about that...it's his job. Get to your own face to face Al-Anon meetings and stay out of his way...you didn't cause this, you cannot control it and you will not cure it. Expect him to be alcoholic...try not to expect him to be normal. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I'm going to share my story with the NA beer. My AH got a DUI back in February and he swore he was done drinking but chose to quit without any type or recovery or therapist, etc. Shortly thereafter he started drinking NA beer. He would do the same ritual as with real beer: get the glass cold, slice up an orange, etc and he said he was helping him to stay away from the real stuff. I was warned that he was on his way to drinking again, despite the words coming out of his mouth and his accusations thrown at me about how I'm the problem, etc. Anyway, he did eventually drink again, and has an on again off again relationship with drinking at this point. Mainly because he tries to go it alone and do white knuckled sobriety.
With all that said, there really is nothing you yourself can do whether he drinks or not. As most have said above, get thee to an Al Anon meeting, LOL! Really, it will help. My friends in Al Anon have saved me from myself so many times and given me new perspectives on how to live with a dry drunk(at times) or a practicing alcoholic(at times). Sending you lots of support today!
How come when someone is mean and cruel to you, your first thought is "How can I better help him?" Detach and work on boundaries. You don't need to tolerate verbal abuse at all.
His being sober does not need to be your ultimate life goal and taking verbal abuse is not "taking one for the team." Alcoholics, even sober ones can be big bullies. Alanon will help you find yourself, your own voice, and then live true to yourself and your own wants and needs instead of having the first instinct of sacrificing yourself and your own dignity and happiness for him.
