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Hi. New here. I finally found an al-anon meeting I like. Have been going for about a month. I finally shared for the first time this week. After the meeting I was talking to a woman who made me very uncomfortable. Everyone else seems nice and helpful. This lady was not helpful at all and I felt intimidated by her. She is obviously very angry at her situation...she just got divorced. I mentioned how I am having my daughter talk to my husband about how his drinking has affected her, her anger, etc. He has stopped drinking now for 2 months.
So, this woman asked me why I had my daughter talk to him and I told her because I believe in open, honest communication. I asked her why? Wouldn't she do that with her kids? and she said "NO!! It would be like throwing them into the lion's den!" She said a few other things...like when I told her my husband quit drinking 2 months ago, she said "How do you know that??" She told me her story with a very frustrated tone. I understand her anger, but she was not accepting of my choices, and she didn't really act neutral towards me at all. Long story short...her demeanor was not pleasant and she seemed judgemental. I am new to these meetings but I know there is no hierarchy in al-anon and we should be neutral about people's situations and not judge.
How should I deal with her? Should I tell her next week I didn't feel comfortable with our exchange or just ignore her?
thanks for listening. Al-anon is helping me a lot.
-- Edited by Sunnygirl on Friday 23rd of November 2012 03:54:19 PM
I agree with all the other MIP family members. My main thought here is that A sponsor is invaluable to recovery.
Sharing after an alanon meeting is tricky and unless you have heard the person share and are comfortable with their recovery it is wise to stay detached and just share program tools
Again "We are all here because we are not all there"
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 24th of November 2012 11:09:37 AM
Congratulations.... in finely finding a meeting that you like and being able to have the courage to speak up.
Unfortunately you have discovered that the saying in Al-Anon "You may not like all of us" pops up every now and again.
I try and remember that an experience like yours just reminds me of how hurt and damaged we all can be in our hearts and sometimes it can all seem too hard.
But with the help of the Al-Anon tools to guide us such as ...."but we love each other in a special way".
Which is the reminder to move on, will truly help us to do this.
Thank you so much for sharing this experience. T.H.
Take what you like and leave the rest - that suggestion is at the closing of all our meetings, and that includes the fellowship time after meetings, as well.
Ask yourself your motives in what good you think telling her your feelings will do.
I've often found for myself that I can look at members like that and think "Wow - they're really struggling. I hope things get better for them." and leave it at that. I don't need to tell them they upset me. In fact it's very rare that I feel compelled to talk with someone about their behaviors at a meeting.
One of the things I have to realize for myself, anyhow, is that the only person in charge of my emotions is me. No one else's behavior is responsible for how I feel inside. That's all on me.
I think it sounded like she's very frustrated with her own situation. That's fine. She can feel that way if she needs to. She's clearly trying to process how the insanity in her home is affecting her and her family.
I would ask why you feel she needs to accept your choices? Why would it matter to you if she accepted your choices? Just some questions to ask yourself lovingly.
We come to al-anon because we are sick and need it! I learned to not listen or share my personal information with anyone after the meetings or in everyday life if I was uncomfortable with. When you get red flags it is a sign, make boundaries and know you can learn from eveyone at these meetings, but you don't have to become friends with all of them. Sending you love and support on your journey.
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Don't let this person discourage you. Sometimes we say and do things out of how we are feeling in that given moment. Show them and yourself, how strong your program is by continuing to do things through the will of your higher power.
I attended a meeting on Monday and our topic was Step 2, came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We began to read from the literature and after it came time to share. This one member proclaimed 'I am Agnostic and I am so glad I didn't have to read something religious !, In fact if this was something religious I just would have refused to read ! and that's all I have to say!'...the exclamation marks are not exagerations. He was pretty adamant. We just sat back ad let him share what he was feeling. No harm to foul.
Aloha Sunnygirl and welcome to the board...Seems like you could understand where she was coming from by reading the "how" she was saying what she was saying and understanding that she wasn't doing good after a divorce. Her world is falling apart and absolutely no one does that event well. When I learned the similarities between my "story"/life and the others in the rooms I knew how they felt and how their thinking was messed up and what they were trying to do to come thru the chaos unscathed sooooo I learned to associate with them with compassion and empathy...they were hurting as much as I was under the same conditions and so that taught me to quit taking it personally (QTIP) and to forgive and detach...turn them over to HP. The program has sooooo many members from different walks of life and experiences with one that is the same...alcoholism. You're doing good. Let her see your recovery as she struggles with hers.
Thank you everyone. I really need to QTIP!! I am very sensitive. What and how she was speaking to me caused me to think I was "doing the wrong thing" as far as dealing with my AH. We are all on different paths and I was dissapointed with her judgemental comments. I was more sensitive because it was the first time I shared with this group. I have been divorced before, so I do understand her pain, and I will not worry about it. I plan on asking a member I like to sponsor me next week. I am hoping she can, but if she says no, I will try not to take it personally. I have done some step work already. I plan on working the program and keep coming back!
After hearing how this is a Family disease .. the one thing I need to remind myself also in the reads .. we're not perfect and yes although you may not like all of us .. what hits home is we are still a Family group and we are still sick with a family disease.. there is no cure, only treatment .. i will never be stronger than my disease .. There's some really good feedback here .. i'm glad this didn't happen on your first meeting .. it's the type of thing that should Never happen in a meeting .. or after ..
having had a few similar situations in alanon myself but stretched within several years .. my sponsor has always pushed the love and kindness no matter what .. What I told a couple was the one thing i am so grateful for is to have found a program where there are no opinions on outside issues and a spiritual foundation of annonymity which provides safety .. the beauty is we are all in different places and the solution for one may not be the solution for another .. the answer for each of us is just showing up and how beautiful a thing to have eachother .. the unity is such a gift ..
when opposition comes up, i've been known to detach with love .. the it's been so good to see you .. thanks for sharing tonight .. we'll see you next week .. exit, stage, right .. I also remind myself that in meetings everything that happens, happens for a reason even though i may not get it til later .. I also remember the learning isn't just for me ! hp may be working up to teaching this other member something too ..
Sensitivity by the way is also an asset .. it's the sensitivity that allows us to find compassion on others .. its sounds like you were very kind to her .. (patient too)
