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Trying to find an Al-Anon group nearby and where I can go after work, is just so difficult. My partner keeps coming up with excuses, non stop, on his pursuit to trying to find a rehab place. Each time he finds something wrong, or can't afford to go. I just don't know what to do anymore, and honestly, I stopped caring. There are no more tears, no longer does it tear my heart apart, I just come to accept that this is how it's going to be. He became a shut in, constantly excusing himself from going to the office, saying he was going off site meetings, only leaving the house to go to the booze store, sleeping all day, never following through with anything he says he is going to do. he sleeps on the couch by choice b/c it's closer to the kitchen where the booze is. When I am at work, he makes accusations that I'm cheating. He wakes me in the middle of the night and tells me to leave and kicks me out, but constantly calls and texts to yell. I just don't know what to do anymore. He lies about everything. Is this normal? I don't know how to act, what to say, constantly walking on egg shells. All he does all day is lay on the couch, gets up to drink, eats in the middle of the night even when I make all his favorite foods (granted nothing that I normally would eat), just can't eat with me or even help when I ask b/c he's BUSY drinking.. I'm not one to give up on people, and am probably feeding into this, but what else can I do? He put this brother into rehab for drugs, and was doing the same thing. He says that he doesn't have a problem b/c he can go a day or 2 without drinking. But can drink a case of beer and a liter of vodka and doesn't see anything wrong with it. Says that he has to drink b/c he feels sick if he doesn't. what do I do?
That is a clear cut alcoholic. The denial you are describing is really thick. There is no simple solution and you have a variety of options. He is the one who has reduced his choices by having the disease and indulging it. Most of the responses and incredible denial sound like typical words of a very very sick alcoholic. Going 1 or 2 days? All the terrorizing and accusing you of cheating and such is also common alcoholic/rageaholic behaviors. It takes to focus of him and his severe issues and puts it onto you because it hurts him too much to even think about how sick and broken he is.
It will not be easy but going to alanon will give you a support network and get you into a state of spiritual centeredness that will then allow you to move forward in the best (non necessarily the easiest) way.
He is sick, but this is like no other sickness you will see a loved one experience. You don't take care of them like it would be if he had cancer or some other disease. Start with this: you didn't cause this, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. He's gonna drink or not drink, go to rehab or not, lay around the house or leave. He's an alcoholic and alcoholics drink...what are YOU gonna do? His problem and HE needs to fine the solution on his own. You work on YOU. Do something purely fun for yourself every day for at least 15 minutes. This does not include things like "I enjoy cleaning the house so I will." Something that does not have to be done regardless, but maybe like take a walk, get a massage, read a book, feed the ducks, etc, etc. I write a lot of this also because it is helping me with MY recovery so thank you for posting. The best and most effective way they decide to get help and the highest probability for a successful recovery for him is if he does it on his own.
If you are interested in a book that helps, read "Getting Them Sober". It has been recommended on here and I am in the process of reading and it helps me understand things.
Heartbroken...welcome to the board and it is normal for alcoholism for him to be where he is at mentally, emotionally and physically. This is a progressive disease...goes from mis-use, to abuse, to full fledge alcoholism...insanity and then death. Sounds to me as a former therapist in substance abuse and alcoholism that he is later stages in this disease...it owns him and not the other way around. He isn't taking care of himself and that is not your responsibility; its his. Alcoholics suffer all the fears that everyone else does yet exascerbated by the alcohol...made worse by it. When they are in fear the worse is happening to them and much of the time it isn't real. Because of the fear they will lie, lie, lie and then they will believe their own lies over time. What do you do? I notice in your post that there are some abusive threats and such going on...you're cheating and such...that qualifies him for a TRO and temporary restraining order and he can be taken from the house...civil and/or family court will handle it after that...however...that is you doing for you what you need to so that you can move ahead of this disease. Best deal for me was getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings and going as often as I can over a 90 day period of time. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with and the conservative count is 1 alcoholic will affect 20 people in their network...acutally the number is much higher. He's got to get himself well and that is not your job...if he is isolating with a major focus on drinking...thats end stages. Get to the face to face AFG groups and keep coming back here for support. (((((hugs)))))
Wow.. it's sad yet comforting that I'm not alone in this battle. I can't thank everyone enough in the responses..definitely downloading the book now, just felt so alone and ashamed for the longest time.
You are very definitely not alone and I am glad you are getting the book also keep trying to get to the face to face Al-anon meetings. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
