The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
.... at least here in MiP. I can't still talk lik ethat openly about my disease, in fear of being taken for a sick person.... and yes I am a sick person, in lack of attention, craving for affection...and all the posts I read on here, I can so well identify with. the big hole inside....my behaviour is scaring me...how I tried in the past, and still trying to fill that whole.
These days I am isolating myself again, being scared of what's out there. My dry ABF is too much for me these days, even though i could feel love and compassion shining through, with a little bit of hope that things could work out... I got finally overwhelmed by my 'reacting' to his manipulation, silence treatment, him treating me like a complete insane, my aggression, my anger, his provoking that worked so much on me unfortunately.... I lost the battle to his and my addiction. I admit that here, now and fully. I don't know how many times I have to touch that ground until i let go honestly a 100 %.... for a long time I didn't want to admit, see...I was told I was too radical, to dark , to negative...that I was thinking negative thoughts, that I don't have enough patience, that i don't respect other people's feelings enough....I felt so guilty, so unsure, so uneasy, so rude, so angry, so unjust , so unfair...I took all the blame in the end, trying to make it easier for him, for them...for everybody...damn why am I so well trained in this, i don't even notice anymore when I get exhausted, when I got sucked empty...I gave it all for free.with no rewards of course. When will I stop being manipulative myself?when will there finally be just my compassion? when will it finally be accepted by others as such? when we i not let myself be used anymore?I am full of love, i know that....but this disease, mine and theirs...made me a monster...I'm an angry bird, yes...when I get manipulated like the A's do, I see red, fear comes up and takes over. I scream, I cry, I shout, I beat, I run, I judge, I say all these ugly ugly things....I have never found a different method to cope...in theory yes, I came to understand...in practice...when temper comes along...I become this raging volcano, out of control....and then I transform in this ugly person, who it is easy then to point the finger at in accusation.... I'm unable of caring at that time...whatever the intentions have been before, and I know they have been good...I'm loosing it, i put myself in this unthankful, unhealthy position... then people can freely say, that I have the problem with anger management, that I'm unhappy, that I'm frustrated...they were the ones pushing me, nut I made the mistake to react. I feel suffocating in this position, I want out, far quick, now....
I don't want the role as contyrol freak, but yes I did. I found out that my dry ABF is only doing quite ok without the liquid, because he now smokes pot every night until forgetting everything and everyone around him. His is not dealing with any of it, just shutting feelings down. I kindly asked him not to bring that crap along when we were supposed to spend 5 days on our own after a long time. But he did, and he lied to me, and I got disappointed due to my oh so good expectations and hopes....in a fear and in anger i grabbed that crap and shot it down the toilet.yes, control freak of the worst kind.did he love me for it, no, of course not. He loves weed more than me he said. What followed then, you can only imagine....now he is giving me the silent treatment, as a punishment, and doesn't even seem to care. Yes drugs and alcohol are standing between us, and I cannot change a thing about that. as long as he doesn't have them, he doesn't feel alive. Love between us is a lie, a theatre play, and it only existed when he was half leg in Nirvana.
I'm hurt, I'm awake, I'm letting it all out...today.
Thanks for listening and you are more than welcome to remind me my own lines,....again and again to call me back to sanity. because sometimes I prefer shutting out reality myself, and let the madness in.
Yah, so you flushed some weed down the porcelain. If that's the worst you can do, you're in pretty good shape.
Your post is full of self-reflection...and insight..that your expectations and hopes are what are causing you to suffer. The A...well...the A is gonna be an A...unless and until they get into recovery...they will likely choose the addiction (lying, using, scheming) over loved ones.
Please know it is not YOU. I keep thinking...if only I was this or that...he wouldve chosen a different path...that is the kind of thinking that puts me in a total funk...
Every day is a chance to make new choices...and I hope you will choose to take care of YOU.
I'm new at this, but I do understand feeling so dependant on someone that you would take their abuse. I can only hope that you find the courage to change the things you can. peace.
If you read the post I wrote this morning you'll see I am saying the exact same things. See, even though I drank my pain away for 15 years (13 years of sobriety now) and they're not drinkers, it doesn't matter. It's all the same dynamic and booze has nothing to do with it. It's my Alanon and ACOA stuff that has been slowly killing me since I was 11. In fact it's a miracle I'm alive.
I made a commitment today to stop saving my parents because it reacreates in all my other relationships. I am hurting myself and giving others relief. What I have to do is stop leaning on them for financial and emotional security and have the courage to go out into the world and literally start my life over. And I mean, I have nothing too.
I can so identify with your share You are definitely not alone. Please remember that alcoholism is a disease and by living with this disease we"become infected "as well .The old tools that we developed as protection seemed to work in the diseased relationship that we are living in, only to backfire and hurt us.
Your honesty and clarity are true steps to freedom. Keep on looking inward and owning what you find. Give yourself permission to be human and know that although we developed destructive tools to live by we are filled with good positive assets.
I found that by using the program;meetings, prayer, daily reading of alanon literature and sharing I no longer needed the defensive tools I used. I let go of pretending all was well and denying reality. The new tools that evolved were: the ability to validate myself, without judging others, the ability to be honest and to say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean. This really helped my self esteem and well being. By examining my motives I was also able to give without expectations and my compassion and empathy grew
You are on the right path Thanks for sharing the journey
Thank you Tortuga, Your fantastic honesty and the description of your feelings has helped me a lot today because I've been beating myself up about behaving in ways that I don't like. I don't feel nearly as lonely now, thank you.
I like the part about giving up the defenses. Alcoholish is a disease. So is codependency - just as chronic, progressive & fatal. Focusing on me - the way I behave, taking care of myself & giving myself credit when it is due - those are choices I can make today. I'll be spending the afternoon serving turkey to the homeless. Getting outside of my own head is healthy.
You're doing well.... when many of us come to discover how sick we have become, we almost act like feelings are bad, and we shouldn't have them.... Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, and it is great that you are identifying who you are, what you are feeling, and where you are going to get to..... All good stuff...
For the record - I think you need to change your acronym for your "dry ABF" back to simply "ABF". Anyone who smokes pot daily can't be considered dry.... :)
Take care of you
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((((Tortuga))))) Aloha nui!! What a share...actually a continuation of a share from a returning member at my home meeting last night...we went face to face and I helped her kick the fence down so that she could get as honest about her feelings as you have here and she did. Honesty is so very important and of primary use to change. Use denial and you get now where...you just stay put...sick. One of the things we talked about last evening was reacting to...everything and one...people, places and things because I was out of control and into mis-management. I told her that one of the tools I got from my sponsor was "Don't react" and I learned to insert 3 seconds of time in between what triggered me and how I responded to it and I found that a miracle...one that works. I was tired of giving my self over to those I was trying to protect myself from or their dysfunctions. I heard in one of my AA meetings a member put it very simply when he said "I find God exists in those 3 seconds" and for me that was the truth...God...Higher Power...more power for me to resist giving my self up to the disease...Yes, God exsists within those 3 seconds and now I keep that blessing at the forefront of my own spirit because I also give until there is nothing and then try to live without the strength I need to have a good life and then I react and then I get angry, give up my management and rage over it all.
No one...absolutely no one...can take my peace of mind and serenity with out my permission and participation...Al-Anon circa 1979...in those 3 seconds I find my HP and this message. You can stop giving yourself away anytime you desire...anytime...take the 3 seconds and then stop!! Let go of what or who you have anchored yourself to and Let God have you.
I sincerely wish you a Happy Thanksgiving...I hope you find the spirit to have that also. Thanks for your share. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks everybody for sharing on this, I am in the right place here... i am thankful for understanding, for honesty, for true compassion...and for the will to change the things I can.... and for MIP for helps me see clear and doesn't let me do all parts of this parts alone. @Tom: yes you are right, didn't realize that in the fog. Thanks for the insight... i started taking it as 'normal' every day is a chance! Courage to stand up and keep standing... to all of us.
oh and by the way I finally found the book 'Getting them sober'...damn I should have found it earlier...I couldn't stop reading...all the things written there are ridiculously REAL. If anybody feels lonely over or in this disease, please READ... it feels like a big warm hug!
