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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> How can I love someone while hating them so much at the same time?
Post Info TOPIC: How can I love someone while hating them so much at the same time?
Looking for peace


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How can I love someone while hating them so much at the same time?
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I have been with my husband for 20 years and he has always been a drinker. Functioning alcoholic for most of those Years. After his mother died- 11 years ago- it seems his depression took over and he stopped being functioning. That was over 10 years ago. He hit what I thought was bottom last year and went to rehab for a month. Got out and never went to counseling or any meetings. He was sober for a year and relapsed about 4 months ago. He will not discuss it with me. Won't talk to me at all really. We have 2 young children, ages 8 and 6. Also, my mother had to move in with us a year ago to help with finances. It is so hard dealing with this in front of my mother and kids. I feel trapped and like I'm on a roller coaster. I go from hating him and wanting to leave to thinking maybe he will get help and we can regain what was lost so long ago. I don't know which side is the correct side to listen to. I know I don't want our kids to see him depressed and looking so pathetic. I told him to leave or that I would. Since then he just cries and will not speak to me at all. Recently will not speak or look at any of us. I don't know what to do . I don't know if my decision to separate was truly mine or brought on by the stress of others. I am hurt, so sick of the lies and feel so sad that if we leave he will be left with nothing. Why is he angry with me? Am I betraying him by leaving? It does not feel right to leave - but will it ever feel right to walk out on the man you have loved for 20 years and hope he survives it? He says it's over for him and he'd just rather die. Why won't he just get help??!!

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rehprof


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I spent YEARS (at least 10) thinking your same thoughts...my sister kept telling me to leave my A...I just wasn't ready to give up on us...(I was married to an A for 28 years)

Then, one day, I came home to him passed out on the couch. I don't know what was different about that day...I can't explain it...I just knew in my heart, what I had to do for me, and my kids. 

If you can't make a decision, then it may not be the right time to make one. For me, I was on the fence for years, then literally, one day it was crystal clear what I needed to do.

I can only hope and pray that you will have that kind of clarity soon...sometimes HP takes a while :)

RP



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Auntyaya


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I must echo what rehprof said....at some point you may have a moment of clarity. Mine came  one day when I was leaving for a weekend away that "I never have to live with him again" and I felt a wash of peace come over me, unlike anything I had ever experienced. This was the end of a 30 year marriage...I never did  go back and have been on my own for 2 12 years...and have done just fine. I had lost trust and respect for him, and decided that was not someone I wanted to spend my life with.

You will get clarity..I think sometimes we underestimate our own worth and what OUR lives are supposed to look like. We spend so much time compromising, looking the other way, hoping, hoping hoping that things will improve...

And sometimes that improvement comes when we reclaim our lives...why do we think the person causing all the pain is the solution? The answer lies in ourselves...whether to stay and rearrange your concept of life according to AlAnon pincipals (which are extraordinary and beyond helpful!) or to leave...

I wish you well...and peace....

 



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rehprof


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Aunt yaya --

Indeed...why do we think the solution lies with the A? We think the only way our lives will improve is if he/she gets into recovery...and so we wait, and hope, and wait...as our lives and opportunities slip away...

that was pretty powerful...

RP



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pinkchip


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Looking for peace,

What you are describing for your husband sounds like not just an alcoholic but a fully dually diagnosed person with clinical depression in absolute full blast as well as alcoholism. This does not mean recovery is impossible for him or that you should stay or go based upon it. Hoards of alcoholics also have mood disorders. I am only providing you info to better understand.

Basically, you have 2 disorders at work here and BOTH of them are impairing his functioning. One of the diseases (alcoholism) is whispering in his ear basically that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol and also that it makes the other disorder feel better (depression). The depression zaps all the energy and desire to make changes once there are moments of clarity.

This is not an uncommon scenarios as I stated before. Detachment is extra hard but still necessary because he has to learn how to take care of himself and treat both disorders. You can't save him. This is a situation that requires serious inpatient rehab for probably a few months. I can't say for sure as I'm gathering this from limited info in your post.

You wanted to know why he wouldn't get help though. The answer seems clear to me in that it's a pretty severe combo of alcoholism and clinical depression and the inpatient treatment recommended would need to be pretty long and it would need to be focused on dual diagnosis in order to get him psychiatricly stable enough to even be able to work a good AA program after discharge.

Both depression and alcoholism are diseases that never go away. They both can go in remission with ongoing treatment (though he wouldn't see that as possible while in the midst of it). I can understand having hope that he would go back to normal, but it's not realistic. It will take serious intervention like I mentioned above to get him functioning.

**So, I just wrote a ton of stuff about him. Yes. I know. Alanon is about you. I hoped to answer some difficult questions you might have that could be blocking you from turning this over to your HP and totally taking care of you and your kids and mom the way you want rather than focus too much on him any more. He sounds pretty far gone. It's horribly sad for someone you love to have not 1, but 2 seriously debilitating diseases and both those diseases are mental disorders that turn him into something you don't recognize any more. Pray and keep contact with your higher power.

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hotrod


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Dear Lookingfor peace

I can so identify and know the tertible feeling you describe .  The  wanting to leave but feeling guilty and fightened. 

I would tell myself I can handle this __my son needs his father.  Then one day I said to myself," I am so very angry I might kill him in his sleep and my son would have no one .  The pain grew and grew and  I finally left.  Moved in with family went back to work .  He went into rehab and stopped drinking.

  I always thought that the pain I was feeling was from  my refusal to listen to the small voice (my HP) within telling me to leave.   He stayed sober for 6 years until cancer took his life.

Please continue to take care of you , pray and listen to that small voice within.

  HP will not abandon you



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debilyn


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Simple. You love the man, hate the disease.

He can't just get help. Does not work that way. He has to be ready to. That takes so many intricate things to happen, different for every A.

I wish it was as simple as loss, death, dui's, losing homes,jobs, kids. It's not.

My experience is I refused to have my kids around it. Was hard!

Many times that helps the A to get the strength from loss and dispair to want help no matter what. sometimes it doesn't. This is what makes us have to do what we do for us and our kiddos.

You will know, when you know, as far as what to do. Praying for clarity for you! debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Looking for peace


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Posts: 8
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Thank you all for your responses. Tonight was my first Thanksgiving without him in 20 Years. He slept all day and just couldn't join us. He told me today he just can't go back to rehab. I know it's a disease and he is not in his right mind. But how can feeling like he feels be a better option than rehab? My heart is breaking. I am so sad for him and for our kids. It's not fair. I will continue praying for clarity. I have done all I can do for him. He has given up.




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Starleo


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I am new to this and I come for peace and peace of mind. I knew that there are many out there who are experiencing the chaos of loving an alcoholic, abuser, husband. I'm working on the whole detachment thing but it is hard. I need all the help I can get. :-/

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Starleo


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Thank u for your insight!
pinkchip wrote:

Looking for peace,

What you are describing for your husband sounds like not just an alcoholic but a fully dually diagnosed person with clinical depression in absolute full blast as well as alcoholism. This does not mean recovery is impossible for him or that you should stay or go based upon it. Hoards of alcoholics also have mood disorders. I am only providing you info to better understand.

Basically, you have 2 disorders at work here and BOTH of them are impairing his functioning. One of the diseases (alcoholism) is whispering in his ear basically that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol and also that it makes the other disorder feel better (depression). The depression zaps all the energy and desire to make changes once there are moments of clarity.

This is not an uncommon scenarios as I stated before. Detachment is extra hard but still necessary because he has to learn how to take care of himself and treat both disorders. You can't save him. This is a situation that requires serious inpatient rehab for probably a few months. I can't say for sure as I'm gathering this from limited info in your post.

You wanted to know why he wouldn't get help though. The answer seems clear to me in that it's a pretty severe combo of alcoholism and clinical depression and the inpatient treatment recommended would need to be pretty long and it would need to be focused on dual diagnosis in order to get him psychiatricly stable enough to even be able to work a good AA program after discharge.

Both depression and alcoholism are diseases that never go away. They both can go in remission with ongoing treatment (though he wouldn't see that as possible while in the midst of it). I can understand having hope that he would go back to normal, but it's not realistic. It will take serious intervention like I mentioned above to get him functioning.

**So, I just wrote a ton of stuff about him. Yes. I know. Alanon is about you. I hoped to answer some difficult questions you might have that could be blocking you from turning this over to your HP and totally taking care of you and your kids and mom the way you want rather than focus too much on him any more. He sounds pretty far gone. It's horribly sad for someone you love to have not 1, but 2 seriously debilitating diseases and both those diseases are mental disorders that turn him into something you don't recognize any more. Pray and keep contact with your higher power.



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Starleo


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So my husband is on day number4 of his bender. I am trying to be strong but it hurts still. I know i am suppose to detach but i guess i don't know how too especially when he comes home drunk and mean. I ask him to leave he won't if i call the cops again he is going away for a long time. no



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Looking for peace


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Thank you. I just want someone to take control as I feel I am no longer able to. The last 2 weeks have been horrible. Last night my son, whom I thought didn't realize, started crying because he is scared we will divorce. The funny thing is we really don't fight. I guess he just sees the disconnect and tension. My husband asked me to make it through the holidays then he'd leave. I asked him to please keep it together during this time. He hasn't. I am afraid for the impact this has on my kids, I am afraid of what my husbands life will become and I am sad at what my life has become. How did this happen? How is this my life?

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