The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading the posts on here for a long time, taking in your thoughts and applying it to my life the best I could. To start with a bit of back story, married to an active drinker for almost 7 years now, have been together for 10. His drinking had increased greatly over the last several years, but in the last year had started to strive for sober. He moved out before Christmas for 2 weeks, came back ready to work on our marriage. He started strong and quit his drinking. But soon started again, with a great less frequency. We attended counseling for a while, he quit because he felt there was too much directed at him and too many things he would have to do that he did not want to. I have 4 kids from a previous marriage and he was so hard on them that they were starting to withdraw from me as well. 2 weeks ago, while completely sober, he advised me that he does not want to be married, never did and does not want to live with anyone, especially children.
I had been thinking for months about how this marriage was on its last legs and feeling peace with the idea of leaving him. As soon as he said many hurtful things that night, I knew that the time had come. The very next day, Sunday, I found a rental and started packing that night. He watched us from a distance and said nothing. Friday he left for work and I finished packing with the help of family. He had agreed to not come home till after we had finished the move. Saturday we were loaded and gone. Now he tells me he regrets all the mistakes over the years but knows that he can not do a relationship and does not believe he ever will ever be able. My kids have seemed to come out of their shells in just the 2 weeks since the move. Its like a sense of peace has come over the household.
He sends mixed messages to me via email and I am very confused now. I am actually not all that upset about the seperation, which I don't understand. I love him very much but my counselor is asking me if it is because I have sympathy and familiarity or if its because he fills my personal love tank. He has not filled me with love for a very long time so I don't know why it is that I still feel love. I started with the counselor we had been seeing together since she knows the back story to it all. I know that I am going to need much support over the next several months.
I am starting in some ways to regret the recent decision to move out, yet, at the same time, I am so relieved and at peace. It feels wrong and I don't understand that. I feel so desperate to talk to him daily and yet, don't want to hear from him at all because I will falter in my decisions.
I had so much faith in our marriage and conviction that we could make this work. I doubt now his love for me and the kids. When he assures me of his love, I remind him that you don't lie, deceive or mistreat those you love.
I have not started attending alanon meetings yet. I went to one and was so incredibly uncomfortable. I don't do well going someplace where I don't know anyone. Have always, even as a child, had anxiety attacks when doing something like that. I don't know how to approach someone and ask them to be a sponsor or how to relate in those settings. I need some support getting to meetings and knowing what to expect, how to relate and what to do. I hear talk about not cross talking, but don't know what they mean by that.
I would like to hear how you survived the seperation, did you talk to you partner in the days following the move or cut ties completely? Please share your experiences and suggestions for getting thru these first months. I have been reading many books on alcoholism, including the ones recommended by all of you, which I have so appreciated.
-- Edited by cinders on Wednesday 21st of November 2012 10:57:08 PM
Cinders, so glad you have found us. It sounds as if you have some great awareness already.
I too was terrified of going to my first meetings. The first three different ones I tried were not a good fit and that was even worse. They say to try six -- I wish I'd known that at the time.
Cross-talking is when people address the people who are talking. Like Joanna talks about her week and then if Lisa piped up and said, "Joanne, your week was awful," that would be cross-talk. Instead people are supposed to say what's true for them, and nobody bursts in or interrupts or tries to tell them what to do or pours out sympathy. Everyone just talks about their own experience and you pick up wisdom from what you hear other people say. (These boards are different from meetings in that we do address what other people say.) Here is one online discussion of crosstalk, although I don't know how official it is, but it rings true to me. http://anonpress.org/faq/files/read.asp?fID=29
My experience about my ex is much the same as you are describing -- it was much, much more peaceful without him, but if I didn't watch out, I started in on the regrets. I had a selective "forgetter" where all the horrible times would fade from memory and I would remember the good times and start pining for them. Even though the horrible times were truly horrible. I relapsed more than a couple times because of this. Eventually I wrote down a long vivid list of all the incidents and suffering I had been through in the relationship. I would get this list out when I was started sinking into that lonely feeling -- "If only ... I bet I could make it work this time ..." What I found in the end was that I had to have no contact. It's like an alcoholic taking a sip of beer. Just one brief contact would send me whirling back into the maelstrom. I had to learn how to get my needs met without him and not keep on focusing on him. But it was so easy to slip up and focus on him again. I still slip and think about his wistfully, but I've been able to keep it reasonable for several years now. Meanwhile there is no denying that my life is peaceful and pleasant -- and that I am open to a good relationship coming along.
I hope you'll keep coming back. Take good care of yourself.
Thanks Mattie. I like your idea of a list. I think right now the thing I am struggling with most is avoiding contact, which I know in my heart is what is needed. I am afraid I don't have the strength to ignore the emails. Thankfully he does not call me and does not know where we moved to. I chose to get an unlisted phone number and not give him our new address, not because I am afraid of him, he has never been physically abusive, that is something I thank my HP for daily, but because I don't want the anxiety of hearing the door bell and wondering if it is him. I like my home being my sanctuary it is right now. He is angry that I won't tell him where we are. He promised to not come by but just wants to be sure we are ok and are actually living some where. He does not believe me that I found a place to live and thinks I went to one of my parents homes. I told him that I have always taken care of my children and assured him we would be fine, that I got a nice place to live and we are ok. He seems to have accepted that now. He acts like he wants to help me and keeps saying he is upset because he doesn't know how to make this easier for me. He emailed me tonight and said he has not changed his mind. That was actually good for me to hear because I have wondered if my leaving would spark his desire to change how he is living his life, that he would do something to start his recovery and fight for our marriage. I know its too soon, but I still hoped he would start something. After what he said today, it was a like a weight lifted off of me and I felt anger. The anger actually felt peaceful, like my anxiety over my decision was gone and I know I made the right choice. The feeling of regrets were not there like before. Now if I could just cut all contact. I am going to try the list idea, any other suggestions or experiences that worked for you? I need that separation and am finding it hard to do.
There is no "right" way to handle an alcoholic or a divorce. There may be some things that worked better for us and some things that didn't. The feelings are messy. The situation is messy and there are only a few universal truths. Time heals. Your Higher Power can help you through this.
You talked about a high degree of codependency in your post. Both of you are trying to "save each other" and "make it easier.' It sounds like both of you are doing some painful work on self. In some ways it sounds like a healthier break up than other ones because it's like you both recognize you need to be apart to heal (at least this is the case for now).
Mattie has done a good job of explaining what alanon is like. You are making some strong changes. Taking different actions in the form of going to alanon could really get the ball rolling.
You stated you have always been anxious in groups etc.... Well, this sounds like a time of empowering change and growth for you. You are shedding the old you anyhow. Why not go to meetings and push it even further. Consider this to be your spiritual makeover and just roll with it.
The new you that emerges will be one that you can really be proud of!
