The material presented
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I know I need alot of help because occassionally I can do it - detach with love- but otherwise I am angry, sad or numb, like today. My A spouse is on her best behavior today. We had one of those great talks where it wasn't fighting, I stayed calm, she heard me, and she wants to try. Today she is calling me every few hrs to tell me what she is doing and proving to me she is not being self-destructive. She volunteered to do this. I'm not excited to hear a sober person at the end of the line. Is it too little too late? I know her old behaviors will all come back, sooner or later, probably sooner. She takes none of my suggestions and I have stopped giving them. I feel no passion, no romance, no warm, fuzzy feelings. Today I have had a perfectly lovely day home alone with my animals, preparing food for Thanksgiving. Is this detaching with love? I have emotion for other people but feel kind of dead towards her. Lyne
I am in the same situation. I recently left my AW and I feel shut down emotionally towards her. I feel like right now I never want to see her again. We separated somewhat peacefully about three-four weeks ago. I now have peace in my life and I do not have the worry of having to deal with the effects of her drinking. It feels strange. There has been so much emotional abuse towards me and I crammed it all down and hid it for years. I too wonder if it is too late and too much damage has been done. She has apologized to me for her drinking, says she knows she has f-ed up big time, yet still is in denial at the same time. Right before I left she said she would do inpatient rehab, then later said she didn't think she needed to take such a drastic step. She wanted to know where we stood recently during a phone conversation. I told her that she is an alcoholic and needs to get help. She told me that she talked with a few people about my assertion and they disagree. I couldn't take that so I just hung up on her. I do not have to deal with her problem anymore. And I do not want to. And I won't.
For me I think it is still too early to tell what will happen, so I am not fretting. I think that my and your answers will become clearer as time goes on. I think at worst I will always care deeply about my wife, love her, but be unable to live with her and her drinking. Even if she got sober, I am not sure I would go back. There has been so much damage. I think this is only natural to feel the way we do.
Peace to you.
Geo
-- Edited by Geo on Saturday 24th of November 2012 11:11:29 PM
I know I was way to hard on myself and at this point I'm going through a divorce, .. during the time we were together and I won't say working it out because there was none of that really .. after the last DUI I was just done. I had all these emotions and nothing to do with them and I certainly didn't handle that part of the deal well. I am human and I have feelings and telling myself I wasn't angry about a very finanically scary situation when I really was (and yes it totally came out in other ways I'm not proud of) didn't help me process through things and it certainly didn't open the doors of communication.
Where ever you are at in this process of healing I hope you are attending alanon meetings and taking care of you. It is NORMAL to feel numb and completely spent after days, weeks, months, even years of irrational behavior from someone else. It is crazy making to see something and have my brain tell me that I really didn't see it that way and try to rationalize through it. I needed to be with other people who had been there done that, maybe even still doing it the point is .. I needed to see other people living life enjoying it and not constantly in survival mode. I still need that because we have children I have to try and figure out how to best help myself deal with this crazy behavior both his and mine. I don't act this way with other people however I sure do it with him. I would act that way with any person who is active in a disease of addiction the truth be told.
Take time to heal, take time to feel, take the time to take a breath you don't have to decide anything today. I'm glad I did it that way even though I had many bumps a few bruises and I did come to the conclusion I needed out because it wasn't a healthy space for me to be in. I needed to have the air clear before I could make some good decisions live in the peace for a bit and learn that regardless of what someone is or isn't doing I can still have a really great day and be ok with it.
Hugs P :)
Keep coming back it does bet better.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
