The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, having a little moment here. Yesterday I get home and the AW is in the living room sorting through some packages she got. She asked for my help and I go in there. I see a coffee tumbler on the coffee table and ask why that was in there. I get no reply. I wait about a minute or so and ask again and she replies that it is hers. I say nothing more about it but my heart just sank. I know what's in it. I go to bed. This morning I come downstairs and see the tumbler in the sink filled with soapy water. I get ready for work and come down after she is gone. The tumbler is gone. She is not really a coffee drinker unless she buys it at Starbucks.
I know that with the Thanksgiving weekend coming up (we both have tomorrow thru the weekend off) that the drinking will start tonight. After all, she said that she drinks on the weekend like that makes it better. It was everything I could do this morning when I stopped to get a quick breakfast not to cry at the drive-thru. Most people enjoy the holidays and spending time with family but I just want to cry. I truly believe she doesn't think she has a problem. It's not fair that I feel like this and she continues along status quo. I haven't said anything to her about the drinking for a while. I want to write out a letter and just give it to her telling her what is happening with me and how much I am suffering. Thoughts and advice how to proceed? Thanks everyone. Tomorrow when everyone is sitting around telling what they are thankful for I will say secretly to myself that I am thankful for all of you.
Hdftby100, holidays with my AH were also an exercise in sheer misery. He usually made them completely uncomfortable either by behaving like an angry jerk to my family and his, or being so reclusive that I could barely get him to participate at all. How sad that we do not get to look forward to holidays like 'normal' people, I too get sad when I see all the happy families and co-workers so happy and looking forward to their wonderful plans and happy stories of presents around the tree and shared meals and fellowship. This will be my first holiday season without my AH as we are seperated, and while I am sad that the man I love will not be there with me, another part of me is relieved that I don't have to worry about his mood, his behavior or what kind of interference I will have to run just to get through the day. I feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. We all understand. Much love and support to you! TS
HD? Do you have a sponsor? This is stuff that a sponsor is like gold for. I mean this board is useful too, but I would want you to just have someone available to you so you wouldn't feel so alone at moments like this.
I have to say, I'm still a little confused. I know it's disturbing that your wife drinks early in the morning and you are really scared of the progression of alcoholism for her, but what is the exact behavior that is problematic. You are hurting so badly over her drinking? Is it lying? Covering up? That you cannot control it or that she is clinging to it despite knowing how much it bothers you? Is it that she turns to alcohol for comfort instead of you? Dunno. But you are describing being so crushed and upset at the act of drinking and usually it's all the behaviors that go around that...and the serious impairments it causes.
Did you really expect you going to alanon was going to stop her drinking? That's not going to happen. Sadly, what is most likely going to stop it is negative consequences. Detachment is something to strive for.
I have thought alot about your comments. To a big degree you are right. I have seen her lying about her drinking during the week, but I have told her that it bothers me. I have seen some indicators that while in and of themselves aren't so bad but they are the definite pre-cursors. And part of it is she knows it bothers me and still does it. I have also asked her to go to see a counselor with me, which she has refused. I guess I look at it as if my spouse who I love and value our marriage asked me to take an hour out of my day to go to a counselor for her even though I felt there was no problem at all on my end I would go, even if just to help her. So why wouldn't she do this for me? (I know the answer on that one most likely being because it then exposes her alcohol problem.)
I also feel like her alcohol use will not simply go away or become under control without some concerted effort and truly think she needs some sort of outside help with that, not just my love and support. I am not even saying or limiting to AA but whatever she is most confortable and works best with.
It's hard watching someone slowly deteriorate their livelihood through bad choices. The thing I've learned for myself, however, is that if I want to truly honor and respect that person, I have to allow them to make whatever choices they're going to make. I demean and belittle them when I start trying to tell them that I know what's better for them... yes, even if all of science backs me up that I'm right. It's still that person's body, that person's life, therefore that person's choice.
I want to reiterate here that I'm not saying the disease of alcoholism is a choice, but it is a problem drinker's choice to TREAT the disease.
I had to learn through Al-Anon, though, that because I need to honor other people's decisions that it means that I cannot sit around waiting for someone to change so that I can finally feel okay. In order for myself to start experiencing recovery, I needed to pull my attention and obsession off of the alcoholic and other people in my life that were not behaving as I thought rational and put the focus on myself. Who am I? What makes ME happy? What can I do to feel good about myself, my life?
Those are some important questions I had to ask myself and those questions helped me to start making healthy decisions for myself and also got me off the alcoholic's back.
I echo pinkchip - if you haven't found a sponsor yet, please start looking for one. I don't know that I'd have the recovery I do right now if I didn't have such a wonderful sponsor in my life with whom I could share those moments of feeling isolated and full of despair.
I have written my A spouse several letters. They hit her hard, she gets it, and then it's out of her brain. It's a momentary pause to reach the person you love, and by all means write it, because it is therapeutic for us, but you must realize it will not change a blasted thing. Today she has already told me she has to leave our dinner for awhile~she has an excuse that to her seems logical. But I know she is leaving to either drink, eat, or gamble. It is embarrassing, and my entire family doesn't understand why she leaves. It's become a regular thing. All I can do is count my blessings. It's not even worth getting upset about. Well, I'm going to try not to get upset about it. I may ask her for the truth about where she is going, if I can stay calm. Good luck to you today and always, Lyne
