The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
hi, i'm new to this but could do with some help. i've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years and he's been in recovery for almost the last 2 of those. We have a 2 year old. Our relationship has always been a bit on/off, mostly related to his drinking. He stopped going to meetings a couple of months ago and has relapsed a few times since then. I think he's stopped again and is talking to his sponsor. He broke up with me after the last relapse saying he needs to be on his own. I'm just heartbroken.
I suppose what I'd like to know is - is it normal for an alcoholic who's relapsed to push loved ones away? The friends he drinks with say he's doing really well in his recovery (yes i can see the irony), so am i being pushed out because no matter how supportive i try to be, i can see he's struggling? Also, sorry to go on but what does it mean to "own your issues"? he uses the phrase alot and i don't really get it. it seems to me like it means you're aware of and trying to deal with issues, but he seems to use it meaning that those problems are now resolved.
Every now and then alcoholic have moments of clarity when they realize they are not good in relationships and that they are busted down to the core. "Owning those issues" would be his snapshot into reality which is that he really is messed up and needs to work on himself by himself. As much as it hurts, I would try and give him space.
When a broken and sick person tells you they are broken and sick and need time and space to try and heal, it doesn't help you or them to chase after them. You already described 6 years of "on and off again" turmoil. While you have a child together and you need to maintain some relationship because of that, you don't need the drama or the chaotic relationship and you and your son don't deserve that either.
Hi Jane.... welcome to MIP... one of the funny (tongue in cheek) sayings around here is that "normal is a setting on your washing machine", and meaning, of course, that there is no such thing as "normal" when living around the disease of alcoholism...
In my experience, active A's are self-absorbed and selfish, and can rarely give enough outwardly towards loved ones... they are dealing too much with their internal struggles.... Sometimes they will withdraw, other times they will deflect their problems onto us, other times they will be aggressive, etc., etc...
The good news is you are reaching out, and starting to choose a recovery program for you and your young child..... I would highly recommend you get yourself the book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. That book literally saved my sanity, and helped explain so much of what is going on around you, along with helpful, practical solutions for things you to focus on....
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
