The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Is it a good idea to clean up the mess your addicted loved one/family member leaves behind once they are in a rehab facility? Especially if it is the home of the addict alone- is there wisdom in waiting for the recovering addict to return so they can see the mess created while using? Perhaps then helping them to clean up if they'd want the help?
Is it helpful (in the long run) to clean for them, or is it controlling? Even creating a denial of reality?
I also wonder: how often is this an area where family members clash, and tend to place blame on one another for what they do or don't do?
No advice but I know in al-anon its said that we dont do anything for the alcoholic or addict that they can do for themselves, we dont cover for them or lie for them, or cover their debts. They need to take responsibility for their own lives. Not much help I know but i think they need to see what their actions/way of life has created. Also they need the respect to get on with their lives and doing things for themselves. If they ask for help then thats your call. Only my opinion. So pleased your here.
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
My thoughts on this one - and I can hear my wise old sponsor whispering in my ear as I say this - is to "check your motives"....
If he's in a rehab facility for awhile, and you genuinely want to do something like clean up his house, and it will make YOU feel better, then go for it....
If you want to clean up his house with a hope/expectation of gratitude & commitment from him, then that's another story....
The "enabling" thing (that often gets forgotten), is the "to your detriment".....
As in.... you are enabling if you "do something for your A that they can do for themselves, TO YOUR DETRIMENT".... Without those last three gems, every time we ever did anything nice for our A's could be construed as enabling....
I've never been a big fan of the word, as to me "enabling" is too much of a label - but the key thing is for us to act/behave in ways that allow us to love and respect ourselves....
Hope that helps
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom....I never thought of it that way.... TO YOUR DETRIMENT.... Like having my son for Thanksgiving. I want to do for ME to have him here.
Laj
I have cleaned my AS's apartment many times when he was not there. I'm such a clean freak that I had to do it....but maybe I did to make him feel good when he got home.....but that didn't happen. I would still clean it for me and for health reasons.
Take care and have a Happy Thanksgiving. Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My question would be: if you cleaned it, and he came home and relapsed and descended back into addiction, would you be angry that you had cleaned it? If so, do not clean it. Because that would mean that you cleaned it to get a certain result. And with addicts, we have to let go of the results, because there are no guarantees. When I think of how many things I invested in my A's recovery... -- a lot more than he did, unfortunately.
