The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All my life I've felt this hole inside me. An emotional hole, like feelings,especially positive ones are missing. I've realized that even though there are complaints I have about life that are legitimate, nothing really would keep me happy. I have to typical acoa issues of feeling like I'm not enough, feeling less than etc. Most of the time compliments, even honest significant ones don't make me feel much at all, let alone feel good. It's like I'm numb to them. But oh boy, criticism will knock me for a loop from anywhere from a few minutes to days. I've gotten better at evaluating criticism and learning to dismiss unfounded criticism but the initial shock is far stronger than anything I feel from a compliment. Maybe i believe the one and not the other deep inside and so react more to the negative. It's so hard in that I can see that I've come along way, but there's still so far to go. I'm so tired of feeling pain and disappointment and frustration. I really feel like I'll finally get it, on my deathbed, and while better late than never, I'd really wish I could "get it" while I still have life left to live.
I'm doing more things I like but find I still isolate alot. I could rattle off a list of things I should be grateful for but I just don't feel it, at least not the majority of the time. I did come to the conclusion that until I treat myself with respect (dress well, lose weight, take care of home and health etc.) I'll never have self respect, which is ultimately at the core of all my problems in life. I've been working on this, albeit slowly, for a while....and still that hole remains.
I don't know what the answer is, but just saying that I totally know what you mean. And I too have that list of things that "have to happen" before I can feel better about myself: lose weight, make the house more liveable, etc. It's easy to keep those on my "must have" list because I'm so far from doing them that basically it's likely they'll never happen. I also wonder what it would look like if they did. Would I still feel this way? It's very possible that they're just red herrings and that my discontent would still be there.
It's especially galling because people are always telling me, "Just be happy that you have X, Y, and Z." I'd certainly rather have X, Y, and Z than not, and I'm certain I'd be more miserable without X, Y and Z. But it's like the part of me that might feel happiness is just missing. I just feel nothing where the good feelings should be. Apparently this is called anhedonia (absence of good feelings) or dysthymia (chronic non-severe depression). Yep, I got 'em. Once a therapist tried to get me to be glad. "Think of all the starving children in the world!" she said. "How can you say your life is bad when you think about their lives?" So then I just felt guilty that I felt bad when the starving children have it so much worth off. I think in retrospect she was not the most helpful therapist. Anyway, thinking of the starving children doesn't cheer me up much!
So clearly I haven't figured out much about this yet, and all I can do is to say I sympathize. Once I read that you have to start noticing even the smallest moments of pleasure or happiness and work outwards from there. Sometimes I do take a momentary pleasure in something. Maybe others can relate thei ESH on how we get from that to greater contentment.
oooh, how to answer this. I am the same way and the nearest I have been able to come to an answer is - to thine own self be true. All of my younger life I tried to be like "they" wanted me to be. I was supposed to be happy, so I acted happy. (but I rebelled inside) I was supposed to be sad, so I acted sad. (but I again, rebelled inside) I have acted so much in my life and the truth is, if I am to find real - REAL - happiness, then I have to stop ACTING, be myself, find a life with people who accept me as I am, and only then will I find happiness. I know this hole - it is what keeps me on the outside looking in. This feeling of not being one of "them" because I am trying so hard to BE one of them. But I am ME and I will NEVER be one of them and that is ok because they don't get to be me. All of my life I was made to believe that there was something wrong with being me because I am different; but the truth is, the truth I embrace, is, my HP made me the way He wanted me to be and my challenge is to learn to embrace "me" exactly the way I am. I am an outsider, I will always be an outsider, but I am true to my SELF.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Aloha mjh...this is a very good post and question for me cause it takes me way way back to when I first found the program. I too came into recovery with a gaping hole in me. It was dark and made a deep sucking sound as my life was being sucked out of me. I sat with the elders and asked and listened. What caused the hole? I asked and I was told that I tried to fill the need for happiness and joy within me from the alcoholic/addict I was lusting for and "needing". "She could never fill that hole" I was told...She wasn't enough and she wasn't interested and she had never consented to do it and the more and more I tried to make her the center of my happiness and serenity the hole go bigger and darker. It was told to me that I needed to find a power "greater" than my alcoholic/addict and my dependency on her and that this was to be a "Higher" power who I could turn all of myself over to and expect to be unconditionally loved just exactly for who I was. So by watching and listening I got a program Higher Power who I turned my life and my will over to and sure enough the hole started to close and the sucking sound got quiet and the fellowship told me that the hole was a "God shaped" hole and by finding and building a relationship with a power greater than myself and by inviting that Higher Power into my life completely and abandoning myself totally to this Higher Power I would never have to fear or have remorse for that hole again ever...That is one of the miracles in this program for me...there is no hole any longer. The fear is gone replaced by happiness, joy and freedom. It's a God shaped hole...ask you HP to come into and take control of your life completely and then go on with this spiritual program and see what miracle comes about. All of my needs are being met and I am free to love unconditionally. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Hi, that is a great question, and it is really useful to read how different people cope with it. On a practical level I read recently that our thoughts make pathways, and they become shortcuts in our brain. So when we need to change our thinking it is important to practice and repeat that practice so that we can overwrite those negative shortcuts. I am far too used to thinking about problems or negatives and I need to change that. So for me, it is really worth counting my blessings. It takes an effort to stay with them but after a while those positives start to create a new pathway (I've been told it takes twenty times to start a new, automatic pathway). My other trick is to think of someone or something I love (at the moment that is my dog, my brother, a beautiful tree etc) and that fills the gap beautifully. The feeling does not last as long as I would like but it is a great reminder of who I really am when I connect at my best and how I would prefer to be living. I've am reading a book by Alan Watts called The Book on the Taboo of Being Who You Are. I've only just started it but he does a great job of pointing out that the gaps or spaces are as much a part of the world as we are - for example without the spaces we wouldn't be able to hear notes of music or define objects. In other words everything is connected and useful. Perhaps my gap is telling me to love myself a bit more! It is certainly a learning curve. Go gently myhyankees, I bet you have helped lots of people on this site and it is only natural to have down days as well as ups.
I like the ESH you have already received, I grew up in a very negative enviornment and it's hard to work at seeing the good around me.
Finding one thing each day sometimes more and sometimes it's hard to even find that one thing to be grateful for is so very important because it reminds me that with all of that bad going on that my life is more than the bad stuff that's going on or the bad stuff that happened in the past there is positive happening and when I focus on the positive the negative slips away. I always feel better.
I have come to call that spot you are talking about my God spot and no one else can fill that except the God of my understanding whatever that means to me. Part of that is taking care of me, emotionally, physically and so on. When I feel better about me then it is easier to find those things to be grateful for vs focusing on what I don't have at the moment. I do find happiness in those little moments of watching a sunrise or taking a moment at a stop sign to notice something I've passed a thousand times before. I realize it sounds a little trivial and trite to say it that way it's the only way I know how to explain it. In those moments I feel that spot close up a little more. It takes time and it takes practice to undo all of that learned behavior of beating oneself up for not being good enough.
I'm still in isolation mode however when I feel myself going there and it brings pain vs contentment then I need to do something different whatever that means to me. Usually for me it's get to a meeting, call a friend, just something to get out of myself. It does get better. Everyone has those good days and bad days however 24 hours doesn't feel like an eternity.
Keep coming back and be gentle with yourself, you didn't get here over night and it's not going to work itself out over night either it takes time, patience, persistance and a lot of loving yourself through it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I too can identify We have a Gratitude post on the Board and I responded that I was "Glad I could Feel Gratitude"
After growing up in an alcoholic home, the bottom of my being was filled with anger. resentment, self pity and fear. That was my normal. Happiness, joy, anticipation were felt in my head for a brief moment but never deep within. My being always negated the positive feelings and I found a way to always feel the fear anger etc.
Al anon opened the door to allow the positive feelings into my soul. The Steps freed me from the anger and resentment. Gratitude lists, prayer and meditation replaced the fear and self pity with serenity, courage and wisdom.
I agree this was a God Shaped Hole and now that HP resides within, I can truly feel gratitude at such simple things as a warm breeze, a singing bird a puppy etc.
I think you are partway there in the way you are really accepting and understanding your problems. Your recent posts are showing a level of insight and understanding that is pretty remarkable. Next is action. You seem to know this. I guess I would just say to take comfort that it's going to change for you, but it will come as you do the things you have identified that will make you feel better. Also, you are not that old. 53 right? You make middle aged sound like you are 100 lol.
My sponsor is 69 and he struggles and has issues just like any other person. This is the nature of our existence. It's human....never perfect, always adapting to an ever changing world.
pink chip, it does feel like 100 sometimes...mostly physically...inside I'm still the insecure teenage although not all the time. Only in certain areas (that I can't think of right now! ). I've been reading articles and while obviously no one has THE answer I've read some good stuff, and on this board as well.
1. I do spend a lot of time in negative thinking. Sometimes it feels compulsive and obsessive and I can't turn it off easily. Other times I can flip it around. I have to excercise my positive mind....to actively look for good things on a regular basis.
2. I can start taking better care of myself...have done so already but it's not yet a habit.
3. I have to rectify or change certain things about myself that are unacceptable to me. At least try to as much as I can.
You've gotten some really great ESH here. I am the opposite of many Al Anon folks I have met because I am naturally an extremely positive person. Unfortunately, it bit me in the butt when I married my AH. He was/is extremely negative and I spent years trying to convince him of the good in his world, to find the positive in other people, to see only the beauty in every situation. When something bad would happen in our lives, I'd point out how much worse it could be and I've been known to use the starving African children thing on him so I'm glad that Mattie pointed out how that's not helpful sometimes. He would ask me how I found that kind of happiness and I think it was because of the things I saw in childhood that I adopted the philosophy of gratitude for God just giving me one more day. Even today, in the throes of the craziness that my AH is putting our family through, I still wake up happy and grateful for a new day.
Despite my positive outlook, I'm still ACOA and codependent and these traits throw me into obsessive thinking where I catastrophize (probably not a word, LOL) everything. I do a lot of 'what ifs' in my thinking. Also, I totally understand the criticism issue. I cannot handle criticism, although I do have the ability to blow it off more than my AH can when he gets criticized. I think, for me, it depends on the source. If my AH says something harsh, I struggle with my response and dwell on it. If it's someone criticizing my park job at Target, well I don't even give it more than 2 seconds of my time.
There's a Christian song that I listened to recently, and I usually don't listen to Christian music much but it had a message that I really needed to hear a few weeks ago. It's called "God Shaped Hole". One of the lines goes: there's a God shaped hole in all of us, and the restless soul is searching." For some reason, that line has been stuck with me for weeks now, LOL. I truly feel that sometimes what's missing when I get really down or start beating myself up is that I am not filling my spiritual tank, in whatever way works for you. When I turn my troubles over to my HP, then I start feeling more peace despite the pain or emptiness I feel.
I remember my AH asking me why I always so positive. He's ACOA, as well, and is extremely negative(this thread has given me a new perspective on his thinking and I thank everyone here because I'm not a glass half empty kind of thinker). Life threw my family a ton of curve balls before I was 21. I saw a lot of death and struggles in the lives of the children and young adults on both sides of my family and somehow that created in me a form of gratitude. I remember sitting at my cousin's funeral who died when he was 27, he had a Mack truck roll over him when he was fixing the brake line(my uncle owned a rock quarry company and delivered rock for landscaping, etc). Michael had a pregnant wife and a 3 year old daughter. I spent some time with his wife and she told me to always be grateful for a new day because you never know if it will be your last. I think she smacked me between the eyes, even though I was a pretty positive person to begin with. Honestly, I think it's become a habit. Just waking up and seeing the sun and having a feeling of gratitude can become a habit that sets the tone for the day. Not always easy when you live with A's or addicts, but I find peace in knowing that I have another chance to to be thankful....just for today.
). I've been reading articles and while obviously no one has THE answer I've read some good stuff, and on this board as well.