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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I need some advice from experienced members of this community
Post Info TOPIC: I need some advice from experienced members of this community
eudaimonia


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I need some advice from experienced members of this community
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Hi,

I am new to this forum.  I've been wanting to join group therapy or an online community because my boyfriend is a drug addict in remission for over a year now.  When I met him, he was taking methadone for a former drug habit to heroin.  After 5 months of our dating he decided he wanted to kick the methadone and we planned to live a happy healthy life together. He is the sweetest, brightest, most loving person I know, but -this journey is proving very difficult for both of us in our respective situations.

 

I've read an Al Anon based book called "Codepent No More" and I read about some of the things that a person goes through when they live and love someone with a drug addiction.  I find myself going through the History on his computer, I have gone through his email, messages on his facebook account, I've gone through text messages and his recent phone calls list on his phone.  These are things that I would have never done before I met him.  These habits have developed over the last 6 months or so.  I have found different things in these sources such as:

 

Craigslist posts to get on Skype and have a "fun" time.

Another Craigslist add saying that he wanted to have a girl over and just hang out, and grab a beer, walk by the lake we live by.

Talk of buying $200 worth of pills but never going to buy them

And...

2 weeks ago, he actually bought $4 worth of heroin and relapsed. He hasn't done it since.

 

He is in his 30's. He graduated from a great school and does an amazing job at work.  He says that he doesn't want to through it all away over a drug.  He says that he loves me and that his actions have to do with him not knowing what the next step is going to be in his life and that he wants to feel desirable.  That he is having a rough time seeing himself as a guy who knows that he's going to be with just  me the rest of his life.

 

I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking everyday.  I hold back tears because I don't know how to deal with it. I have no one to talk to and I just want to hear any advice that someone thinks is constructive and may contribute wisdom to my current situation.  I don't want my trust in my boyfriend to falter.  I don't want to act like a crazy person anymore by going through his life.  I just want to start making my peace with myself and this situation.

 

Please help if you can.

 

 



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Eudaimonia
 
Welcome to Miracles in Progress
 
 
Addiction is a disease over which we are powerless. Having lived with this disease we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it We too require a program of recovery.
 
 
Alanon is a fellowship of Men and Women who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism. We understand as few others can and have found tools that enable us to lead happy fruitful lives even if the alcoholic is using or not
 
 
Please check out Al anon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon.
 
You are not alone and There is hope


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Auntyaya


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Loving a person with addiction issues does turn you into someone you don't recognize and behavior you NEVER thought you would do. I think your trust in him has already faltered as evidenced by your checking up on him (and you are finding things to feed the mis trust). Listen to yourself and trust yourself and decide if this is the life you envision and want for yourself.

Loving an addict is a tough tough road to travel....please go to al anon. It will give the tools that are so necessary to manage your own life. I wish you well....



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pinkchip


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Definitely hit alanon meetings. You are in the exact situation that a newcomer to alanon meetings typically is. You are not alone.

You wen't looking for dirt and you found some that would definitely be deal breakers for most folks. Strangely your concern is more about why he isn't feeling committed to spending his life with you and why he acts this way rather than why you are trying to commit to him knowing what you know about him.

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Jerry F


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Expecting another person to verify me and find me whole and acceptable is a lousey career and very much like taking someone hostage.  They don't get to live their life as they choose they hurt me by living their life as they choose.  I wanted to hold my addict and then my alcoholic and then my alcoholic/addict responsible for my happiness and sadness and found out that by doing that I had given up on myself and my personal responsibilities for myself. 

Getting into the Al-Anon Family Groups saved my life.  I had driven myself so insane by trying to mold a person who was being what they decided to be into someone I wanted them to be and openly seemed to not want what I was offering.   I could not take "noes" from them or "I'm not interesteds" or any other "I want to be what I want to be" from them.  I knew more about them than I knew about myself and I needed to stop that.  That's where I start my gratitude for the family groups.  Al-Anon works when you work it.

Yes I had reached the point where I was trying to teach my alcoholics how to drink (and hadn't found out yet about my own alcoholism) and I sure did try to teach them.  I started using with my addict and became her dealer for a short period of time...only going to find the very best stuff for her to smoke and such.  I wanted love in return for participating in the insanity and didn't understand why I only got more insane.

I needed the program and like you I needed to sit at the knees of the oldtimers who were always willing to give the program away for free.  The hotline number for Al-Anon is in the white pages of you local telephone book.  Call that number and find the places and times we get together in your area and keep coming back here also.   In support (((((hugs))))) smile



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eudaimonia


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I want to thank you all for you support and candid replies.

 

I don't want to hold him to a standard that he cannot reach and I don't want him to feel like a prisoner of our home or my love for him, like I feel to my own feelings and emotions.

 

I am going to find Al Anon meetings in my area. Thank you for reinforcing that choice with your kindness.

 

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope to meet some of you in meets up or on the forum.

 

 



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Afraidparent


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I too am new to the online chats and message boards.  I just completed an online meeting with Desirae.  I see that many posts are to encourage local meetings.  However, I've found that finding the time and trying to get to a local meeting while also dealing with the Alcoholic, work, and trying to keep normalcy with the rest of the family is nearly impossible. 

Can meetings online be just as beneficial as one on one or do I need to actively search more for a local group that meets my needs?

 

I too Eudaimonia am a newby to the al anon world but am seeking advice and information where I am able to get it.  I am very happy that I have found this website today. 



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canadianguy


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Online meetings are excellent, and serve their purpose very well.....  if that is truly the only meetings you can make, then they are the right choice for you...

In my experience, there is NOTHING that equates a face-to-face meeting - even the act of going to the meeting and getting (anonymously & safe) public about your issues, is part of the healing experience, and a huge part of OUR recovery....

Right now you see F2F meetings as "not having the time" to do them... hopefully, in a relatively short while, you'll feel that you want/need your meetings as much as any other major priority in your life..... 

Boards like MIP, reading great literature on the subject are wonderful supplements to your recovery..... Online meetings would be a step over & above those first two.....  F2F meetings are the top of the heap...

Keep coming back

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Afraidparent


Veteran Member

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Thank you Tom.  I will take your advice and seek out a local meeting that I can live with and make a priority.  It is time. 



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