Welp.. Ya know.. Last November for me was just UCK! And since Loosing my Afather to this Disease in 2008,  Novemeber for me has been my "Ism" month... Tomorrow My Afather would be 63, and to think I will never know him older then 58 at times breaks my heart! I often remember my Afather before this disease took hold! I Remember him laying on the couch and bouncing me in the palm of his hand when i was about 5-6 yrs old... I thought he was the Strongest Man in the world ;) I remember Layin on the couch with him on Saturday Mornings watching Cartoons for hours, and Sunday Mornings Watching Westerns... Those are the Memory's I try to keep!

The World we live in is so fast paced sometimes that moments like that don't even exist in some peoples lives at all...That truly saddens me... They don't ever get to have those "Cuddle" moments with their parents.. My Dad was Always a Cuddler...And that is why I miss his Hugs the Most!

I have seen my Father in many walks of life, Some I am Proud of, and some i would rather wish I could Deny that side of him completely but I can't... He had the Devil on one shoulder just like everyone else, and sometimes the devil won! I'm Very Grateful that the "Good" side of him I did get to see, and know it was there.. Deep down in his heart,  before alcoholism & addiction took over his world, his family, and evenually his Life! In this World I would often sit in "regret" but I always kept it to myself, I guess figuring if I harbored it, then that was my Well Desirved Punchiment for allowing to make such a choice...Even tho some was not my choice at all... Just the Cards I was Dealt to play, at a time I wasn't sure how too...

I have learned to Overcome things All my Life, but at the same time they never really got "Dealt" with... Just Overcome enough to move onto the next ordeal! I have to catch myself at times, cause I still tend to do this... Harbor the inner "Stinkin thinkin" as Punishment for the deeds I feel need Punished! Al-Anon has Helped me Grow, ALOT... But I'm still far from healed! I still have Judgemental thoughts and Selfish actions that I take part in, and Alot of times without thought or knowledge i'm even going thru with them... Then sometimes WEEKS Later it will hit me like a slammin door! And its back to Steps 1,2,3...

Loosing My Father to Alcoholism was indeed a Very Tough part of my life, but I Think sometimes Seeing the Rest of my Family living in Alcholism hurts just as much if not more at times! Knowing I am Powerless over their Actions and I have to let them Grow at their own pace, not the one I wish for them! I Pray to my Father Everynight, that he help them see, what he went thru and see its not worth it! The Guilt, The Loneliness, The betrail, The Hurt, The Anugish, The Broken Hearts, & Wounded Souls..... All of Which I to Suffered when I was Drinking 7days a week, not caring what tomorrow brought as long as I got my Fill of "Make it go away for the night!"

My HP has always been a part of my life, and I know that in my heart, even tho at times I Denied him as well! This disease leaves so many unanswered questions in my Heart & in my Soul.. Yet I Must still carry on, I must still find a better life for myself & my son regardless of the choices of my (4) ASiblings, My 88 yrs old Gambling/alcoholic Grandma, and my Step son... Its Tought to stay on my own side of the street! ALL the time... But I'm Grateful I have learned how! I'm Grateful I am Open Minded enough to know... I CAN Change!

So Currently I am Missing My Afather like always, but the month of Nov. always knocks the Wind out of my Sails with the passing of my MIL Last year a week ago, and my Dads' Birthday & Death in the same week... I Wish I Could just Cry for a day and release it all, but i know there will never be enuogh tears to bring them back!

And Welp! Last Nov. I Sat Down with my Photo I have of my Dad and told him that I will Know longer see his birthday as a Sad Moment, for as a Sad Day it is Dishonoring his Birth! My Birth.. Our Lives! So Tomorrow I will Force that Smile on my Face, and My Son & I have decided the best way to do that is to Bake some of his Favorite things for the holidays, and CELEBRATE My Afather, Just as His HP did the Day he was born! I'm Grateful My Son has another Angel to guide him and keep him and i'm Grateful that I Found Al-Anon to do the same for me!

Wishing you all a Very HAPPY THANKSGIVING... And tho it is a Holiday to be thankful I Pray that regardless the date on the calendar, your Grateful everyday for a chance to get it right... Just one more time ;)

Thanks for letting me Share....

Jozie