The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, here it is, a few days before the holiday and I am keeping myself busy with prep (cleaning and shopping) for Thursday. Our AD and her son live with us. To the best of our knowledge, she is not drinking, but with no program. She has been working since September, going in every single day and has been starting to pay off her mountain of bills.We have told her over and over we are proud of the changes she has made since moving back. She owns a big old truck that is costing her a small fortune in gas to get back and forth to work. We have not given her one dime since she has moved back and she is taking care of getting her son off to school and (somewhat) checking homework. Last week she informed us that the heater is broken in the truck and she is buying a car. I said "Good for you and good luck". She picked one out last week and was told she could pick it up today.
Here is the start of my happy day.....
Early this morning , the dealership called and recinded the line of credit. In tears, she asked my husband for "a loan" of $2,000 and he said no. Just no, no explanation, justification, just a firm no. She went balllistic. Screaming at us, her son, her sister (who is just visiting), slamming doors and kicking the dogs. Then she was off to the courthouse as Baby Daddy is suing her for full custody. She got a lawyer on her own and we have only been to one of the hearings, at her request. She also had an appointment this afternoon with the Pediatrician who is diagnosing our grandson as possible ADD. He has uncontrolable rants and rages, wont listen, lying, stealing and is doing awful in school. God only knows what she will be like when she gets home. I know this is a lot on her plate, but we did not cause any of this to happen.
I am very proud of my husband for standing firm as she knows better than to ask me for anything. I was hoping just maybe, maybe, we can sit down like the real family we used to be and share a fabulous meal. But, I will NOT let her spoil the day for us. I will keep smiling and remember to THINK before I say anything. Feeling good and better in control than in the past, and it's all because of the program. I am not perfect, but I am working it.
Thanks for letting me rant. I wish everyone on MIP a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.
Question regarding the ADD: Have you noticed his behaviour being better when Mom isn't around? I ask because my dear friend who was an addict had a son same age as mine and when he'd spend a few days at my house, he was almost an angel - the minute Mom walked into the room, the bad behaviour would start. But yet he was diagnosed with ADD. I tend to wonder if ADD isn't over-diagnosed when a doctor doesn't know anything about the child's environment.
When you think about how much stress we parents are under watching our children destroy themselves, just think what it's like for their children - the poor babies have no control over what happens to them nor the environment and insanity they are forced to live in.
Such a great share Leenie and I have you and your husband and daughter in my prayers. This is major stress for you all and it's a God thing for sure. It would be nice if your daughter had a program and a sponsor to help her along with recovery...Miracles do happen. "God grant me the serenity...."
wow I know the rants and raves very well. The ex a did a lot of demanding. I am so happy these days that I do not feel afraid anymore. I felt afraid all my life. I am so sorry your dogs got kicked. I know my two dogs have really suffered in the environment of alcoholism and addiction. I do all I can to make that up to them now. I am so sorry your grandson has issues. I am not that shocked. I think that what is great is the issues are being noted and addressed. I understand full well the shame of being around someone who is in full blown addiction. I also undersand there are ways to detach. I am so glad you are holding on to them. That takes courage, persistence and a clear head.
I cannot think of a better example to your grandson than to be around people who have boundaries, who are focused and who do not try to hide what is going on.
Not too sure why you named your post Why I hate the Holidays, sounds like you are going to have a good one in spite of your daughter and her stuff. What an amazing job you're doing practicing detachment and looks like your husband is getting with the program too. As far as your grandson, it sounds like the little guy could use a nice holiday too. Enjoy it. You're worth it. Happy Thanksgiving. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It doesn't sound like you hate the holidays. It sounds like you hate your daughter ruining them. You have some new tools to avoid that from happening. 1. You are accepting of the situation and what it is. Hence, you don't expect her to transform in to the perfect daughter for Thanksgiving. 2. You have clearer boundaries. 3. You hopefully have a higher power to turn to that is so much larger and that can deal with the chaos and manage it a lot better than you.
You are absolutely correct about the title of my post. Should have said "Why I hate Mondays" !!!