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Makes you feel good to have people that understand what we are going through. Thanksgiving is a good time for me to be with my son and just show him my love and support. I pray someday he will get the help he needs but I can't dwell on that anymore. I wish I had family but that is not the case here..and BF doesn't have the understand about my son's illness. I'm a little in between a rock and a hard place.....but I'm having him over and giving him at least a good meal in a long time. :)
My prayers also go out to everyone to have that day a loving and enjoyable day....
One day at a time
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Sunday 18th of November 2012 02:28:24 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have been in counselling and Al-anon for a little while now. Also have not talk to my son in 4 week trying to get well. This morning he texted me asking to come up for Thanksgiving and I said yes...would love him to come. Now I may have made a mistake. I want dearly to see my son but I don't want to get into anything that would jeropized my recovery. I'm even afraid to tell my counselor but I will. Why can't I have a day with family without my anxiety because of him. He will not drink because that boundry was set over a year ago so he will be sober I'm sure....if not I turn him away. He will be homeless next month and he might try something again. I have enabled him for 4 years keeping him off the streets and its going to be a big deal for me to say NO helping him anymore.
I also started reading " Getting them Sober" and it is the best book. Everyone should be reading it.....Thanks for bring it to me CanadianGuy.
Just thinking....have I done the right thing for me...or was it still for my son.
I'm sick
Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy, whatever you do, you can do it in love and it can be for you. There's no written rule that says you can't go visit the alcoholic. If things don't go well, you have permission to remove yourself from the situation or set appropriate boundaries. There is no right or wrong, it's just: do what's right for you.
Yes, Getting them Sober is my favorite book. There are versions that followed the first and I really liked volume 4. Codependent No More is another favorite of mine.
Are you in AZ? I live in the Phoenix area. Hope you're enjoying our wonderful fall weather, although I'm sick with a cold today and plan to just lay around a lot but I will open the windows to get that fresh cool breeze in, LOL!
Are you in AZ? I live in the Phoenix area. Hope you're enjoying our wonderful fall weather, although I'm sick with a cold today and plan to just lay around a lot but I will open the windows to get that fresh cool breeze in, LOL!
Yes I live in New River just north of town. Sorry you have a cold...hopefully it will be better by Thanksgiving. The weather is the best right now. I need to get out today and get some of that wonderful sun and not bring myself down about this.
You are right. I can set any boundries as long as its for me and I'm confortable with it.
Thank you :)
Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
No kidding! I live up in northwest Phoenix, off of Happy Valley and the 17. My son plays tennis with a friend up in Anthem all the time which is just down the block from you, speaking in AZ terms of course. I remember referring to a friend of mine who lives in west Buckeye as living in East LA and a friend of mine from Gilbert says that I live in South Prescott, LOL!
Hope you have a safe and wonderful trip up north. I love AZ at this time of year and go up north often just to spend the day or go hiking.
Hello neighbors - I'm in downtown Phx and yes, we're having beautiful weather.
We've been invited to T'day dinner at my inlaws and they've requested that our A son join in - he's not sure he wants to go because he's a little embarassed at who all might know about his problem. This side of the family(non-drinkers) has not been told anything and Dad & I both assured him of that. These cousins haven't been together for over 20yrs and I think it will be beneficial for my son to reunite with the family.
My son's drinking started little over two yrs ago and since then he really has no friends - his group of friends have scattered; 1 in rehab, 1 freshly out of the pysc ward for 2 attempts at suicide and 1 in jail for B&E to support his habit so I really want my son to attend the family dinner and just FEEL the love in the room.
My prayer for all of us is to have one day without the demon alcohol being present.
Aloha Cathy...it's too bad you're caught in the negatives...that is choice and you can choose the positives anytime you want. I hear the fear of what ifs and that brings back experiences with my former sponsor that worked tons for me. I use to fear and what if continually like I had a crystal ball and was a fortune teller and the like until he taught me about balance..."To stay in balance Jerry F, everytime you do a "what if" you have to do a "what if not" either could happen whether you consult your crystal ball or tell your own or some one elses fortune. Truth was I didn't know what would happen or what would not and the acronym for fear - F ALSE E VIDENCE A PPEARING R EAL (it's all in my head) was what ruled me and kept me from the "Trusting God" steps 1 - 3. I learned to practice, practice, practice those three steps over and over and over and slowly and surely the outcomes became consequences of my alcoholic/addict and her relationship with her Higher Power. I learned that my HP wasn't standing by all the time to make sure I got my way and was standing by helping me to accept outcomes without going crazy and doing things insanely.
I was sharing part of this this moring after my meeting with another member that practicing the program isn't about doing it part time and doing it full time with faith that however my life came out it would be better than how it did without the program. So far it always has.
We find out often that finding out if a thing is a mistake or not a mistake often relies upon time, patience, and honest open mindedness also the willingness to change the things I can within the process.
I guess I have to start all over again. I thought at least I passed step 1 but saying what I said above makes me feel I need to confirm I'm powerless. I want so much to control me and not to worry about something I can't control. I hate myself when I do this. I need the Face to Face meetings more than anything now. I will only get better if I work the program completely. Get off my pity party horse and do something about it. I always think about the "what ifs" its killing me.
Let Thanksgiving be a time I can see my son and love him for being with me for the day...nothing more....keep it simple they say.
Thank you and thanks for the (((((hugs)))) ((((hugs)))) back. :)
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I can relate except my A's are my mom and exAH. The Getting Them Sober books by Toby Rice Drews were awesome, so were many from Melody Beattie like Codependent No More and others. When I get stinkin thinking going in my head I read Al-anon literature and or get to a meeting and or call my sponsor. Over time my obsessive thinking about my A's has gotten so much better and I have learned how to get out and enjoy the day and all the little things I was missing before, like healthy hobbies and just self care/love. Sending you much love and support! You received some great ESH!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
When I left the ex A I was convinced he would end up homeless and then dead. He did end up homeless, lived in truck for a few months then I put him up somewhere for a while. After that he was homeless again and found relatives to mooch from. I was absolutely convinced I would hear of his obituary. He went around a few programs (of course they did not last). I was anxious, sad and was absolutely set on that with his health issues (he had many of them some of them self inflicted) and his drug habit he was a goner.
The fact is he didn't die, he went off to find another codependent to carry him. That is what many an alcoholic/addict is good at. The last picture I saw of him (on his Mother's facebook) he had put on weight, had another car (we are so generous we codependents aren't we? ) and looked fine to me.
I really did feel the ex A's life was entirely my responsibility. It isn't anymore but letting go and not being pulled into this demands, manipulations and blatant lies was so hard. I know the ex A really thrived on how isolated I was and how so dependent on him I was. I was desolate when I did not know where he was. Now I do not know where he is and for me to get to there I had to get to being comfortable with the place of "don't know". I practiced every day not knowing and not having it eat me alive.
There are boundaries for me these days. I am so so grateful I am no longer prey to being manipulated, lied to and cajoled out of my peace of mind. I know even 2 years ago I was convinced I had to "help" everyone but me.
I hope that you will find time over the holdiays for just you. I don't know personally how to carve out that space but I know having boundaries is a big big part of it. These days I have walls around some people because I know they will assail them if I don't have really strong concrete walls at times. There are times I do not answer the phone or even the door if I know its someone I don't want to answer to particularly if they call at an odd hour. Practice helps.
