The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Having been in Alanon a while (over 4 years) I am recognizing more than ever places in my life when I just need to tell my own mind to stop all the nonsense of second guessing myself, say what I mean and mean what I say without falter, and set boundaries with love.
I say these things because my AH has been on a roll and I feel like a Mom right now. We recently went on an outing overnight and I ended up doing all the driving, paying for just about everything and guarding myself while trying to have fun even though he was drinking and or high. Seriously, that is hard to do. Basically, I just let him do whatever he wanted and stayed quiet throughout the evening and next day. I allowed him to fall and pick himself up off the floor several times. He lost his wallet. He acted like a little kid whenever he left my side and came back (such as in going to the restroom or stepping outside to have a smoke). At one point during the evening he did not return for over 15 minutes and I became concerned. I was weighing my options when he finally came back to me at the restaurant where he said, "I got confused and forgot where you were so I called your cell phone and then I remembered it was not working right now." He said it in a little boy voice and looked scared but glad he found me.
Today we had stopped at a high end hotel to pick up something and there was a bird cage there. He was genuinely thrilled to talk to the birdies. I waited patiently and after about 10 min I said let's go and started walking. He came running up and saying I needed to come back to the cage to hear the birdies sing. I was miffed but I went back and we heard the birdies sing. All the while this is a very public place, I need to try and minimize issues for myself and then get the heck out. So I once again state quietly but probably in a miffed tone of voice we need to get going. He came begrudgingly, but said he felt as though he was being put up with. Of course that would not be the time to tell him that he was acting up and I was miffed at him. So I apologized for the harsh tone of voice and told him I did not mean to sound that way. After getting him away from the birdcage and getting what we needed we had to pass by it one more time...and of course, he had to say goodbye to the birdies and tell me all about the species and the difference between males and females, etc...ad nauseum....
Now dealing with this "minor incident" may seem small compared to some of the incidents some others go through...I mean really...how can it be a grown 53 year old man wanting to talk to the birds can be such a huge thing? I think it is because it is incidents like this that happen day in and day out that annoy the you know what out of me and I feel like I am married to a 6 year old much of the time.
I know I am powerless over all people places and things. I see his suffering and my heart hurts for him. I want to curl his head up to my bosom and say I can make it better. But I don't. Instead i say I am not coming to your side of the street when he asks me to make a decisison. I tell him do the next right thing when he is confused, I try not to control him because that is just a useless behavior for me. Funny part is as I get better and stop doing these crazy making behaviors on my part, he accuses me of doing them more!
Do I falter? Yes. Do I beat myself up over it? On occasion but today I am more inclined to let it go and take care of myself. Being aware of the situation when it happene is huge in accepting what I cannot change and then taking action if need be.
I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling as your husband progresses in his disease. I like what you said at the beginning of your post about boundaries. The slogan Keep it Simple comes to mind in relation to communicating with your alcoholic husband. It's great that you already have four years of Alanon. You're not alone. I hope you're taking time for your own spiritual, physical and emotional needs by connecting with your hp and healthier people in and out of the program. We're not less compassionate because we choose not to isolate ourselves or rather be held hostage by alcoholism. So many of us unfortunately have been where you are... watching someone's health detriorate due to alcoholism and powerless to change that. I'm seeing this in my brother now. It's painful to see and even harder to accept what's happened to him over time. The Serenity Prayer has been helping me and sharing with others in the program. I hope today is a good day for you and that you'll keep coming back to share here with us. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It sounds as if you were as patient as you could be with him in that kind of situation. I have to be honest and tell you that I wouldn't ever go anywhere with my AH if he was drinking, mostly because I don't think I'd be very compassionate or kind. You are working a wonderful program of acceptance, I hope you keep coming back and sharing.
Aloha Souljoy great post and responses. You're post reminds me of a lesson on alcoholism from the distant past. We had several kittens and they were cute and one day I was remarking on how cute kittens were and my Mom said if you want to keep them young and small; feed them alcohol. She was a daughter of and very very affected by the disease and she knew some real stuff about it. Later on in recovery I heard "The alcoholic stops growing when they start drinking" and I remembered my Mom's idea and nodded my head. I'm still growing up after 3 decades in our program. He's your husband not your child...tho sometimes that doesn't seem accurate huh? ((((hugs)))))
I sure do agree with you hotrod...thanks for all the replies everyone...now I am going to get my act together and my courage and leave. I can't handle being in this place any longer.
