The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just finished Step 4 with my sponsor. I feel closer to my HP and am so thankful to be doing the steps. But the problem is that I am so aware of my defects of character that they seem to be EXPLODING everywhere from me! I am very aware of them but can't stop them and they seem to be getting worse. I feel so bad for how reactive I have been with my husband and kids. I am getting ready to do step 5 and am wondering if all of the questions I have to answer in paths to recovery are going to make my defects bubble up even more. I just feel terrible. I do steps 1-3 every morning and start my day off good but then BAM I am back to having all my defects bubble up majorly. I feel like I am getting more controlling. Is this the process for the steps. I thought (and maybe it is my expectations) that things were supposed to get better. I feel like crapand like I am a failure. I know my HP loves me and my husband tells me he will stay by my side during this time but I just feel like I am being so bratty. I really need some ES and H. FEAR is the #1 leading all of my defects it seems. I Have always feared so much and it is really ramped up right now. I hope that my HP really does take away these defects of character in step 7 or whatever step that happens because I am miserable and feel hopeless. I appreciate anyones experience with this step or anything you want to share. I love this program and thank God for it every day of my life. And I am so thankful to you all for being here.
I am so glad that you are working the Steps and feeling the benefit of recovery. I too felt as you describe when I was able to see myself and own my actions. This was before the program gave me permissionf to be an imperfect human being. I stopped judging myself and others and and was set free of the irritational fear that governed my life.
Here is a quote for Courage to Chane that helped me:
COURAGE TO CHANGEPAGE 311
What is the exact nature of my wrongs?Is it the embarrassing moment, the words spoken in anger, the dishonesty?
For me, the exact nature of my wrongs is the unspoken, self defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions.
These include notions that my best is not good enough. , that I am not worthy of love and that I have been hurt too deeply to every really heal.
If I dig deep enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about.I am learning to examine whether or not there
is any truth to these assumptions.Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself.
Today Reminder
Living with alcoholism has taken a huge toll on my self esteemAs a result I may not recognize how many of my faults are built on a faulty sense of self.
That is why a 5th Step is so enlightening and cleansing .Together with my Higher Power and another person I I can change life long patterns
I love the post, and applaud your willingness to work this thing!! Yes! after I did step four, I became disgusted with myself since I had always thought it was everyone's else's fault, now I could see I played a part in my own suffering, aaaaaack
Step Five is kinda known as the "welcome to the human race" step, it leveled the playing field for me, that's for sure. I was no longer superior to anyone and I was no longer inferior. same, same. I realized NOBODY is perfect and everyone ws probably doing their best because I knew I sure was....
Still I remember my struggle. and so my sponsor asked me if I could forgive myself. I could just feel the resistance in me. So my sponsor asked me if I thought my Higher power had forgiven me. I said, sure. of course. whatever. She replied, "If Higher power forgives you, but you can't, or won't, aren't you putting YOURSELF in the god position? you think you know better than God???!"
Yep, all of that had to be smashed. We are not saints. The point is - that we are WILLING to grow along spiritual lines.
You're in the process of cleaning house, of clearing away the wreckage of the past. You won't surrender your defects until you decide they are "completely objectionable" anyway, that is precisely how we become "entirely ready." so the process is working, right? it sounds like that's where you are.
Be patient with the process, the moulding and chiseling is painful, but we keep clear that we are doing Higher powers work, we are changing, letting God have God's way with us. I was told it was just my ego/disease that was dying (I always liked the visual of the wicked witch in the wizard of oz..... "I'm melting... melting...." hahaha)
Welcome to the human race ((((willowtree)))) and you are still acceptable as-is!
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 19th of November 2012 12:57:42 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Oh man can I relate to this one. When I first did the 4th step I felt like an ugly mess laying it all out there. All my defects for my sponsor to see and I seemd to get alittle worse for awhile and things were flared up, then I simmered down and handed them over one by one, it was a slow process, but I was working witht eh blueprint for progress and it helped me move through it. When you are taking self inventory and cleaning out there is always a bigger mess before you get to reorganizing with any job. Keep up the good work and you will settle down a newer and better Al-anoner for it. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You know an alcoholic in recovery reminded me a while ago that the 4th and 5th steps are also about documenting our strengths and good points and not obsessing about what is wrong with us. I am hopeful that the process will help you through. I think it takes a lot of courage to be willing to look at our selves.
