Help with an addict pls - Al-Anon Family Group

Desi · Member

Help with an addict pls

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Desi Welcome

Addiction is a powerful disease over which we are completely powerless. Alanon is a spiritual program that is made of people how live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. Living with this disease we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing Our Face to Face meetings held in most communities help to :

Break the isolation, learn to take actions that permit us to Live without Fear, one day at a time.

Help in finding meetings in your community can be found

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Keep coming back

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There's nothing you can do. He could step it up and go to 7 meetings a week. That is what is really needed in the beggining. I went to like 7 meetings a week for over a year and only am at 2 meetings a week after 4 years of sobriety. 2 meetings a week is to appease you. It would be harder for him to go to 7 meetings a week, get a sponsor, call the sponsor daily, work the steps.... That's what he needs to do but it's for himself more than for you.

There could be a future, but honestly, I'd back off and see what he does. He can choose recovery with or with out you. He is going to tell you he can't do it without you, but the truth is, it will stick better without anyone enabling him (but he will probabl run and find someone else to do that in short order).

If someone comes at you really serious about recovery, I would be encouraging and then turn it back on them. Encourage them to have a long range plan that includes daily meetings, sponsorship, and probably living in halfway for up to a year as he has not be able to recover and seems to be a constant relapser. He is going to need a hefty dose of recovery to have a real shot. He's probably not going to make it living with you or on his own.

Just my experience with folks that are that entrenched in their addiction.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Desi...the very best I finally got to do (finally because the program of Al-Anon was offering me a program of recovery and I insisted on working "mine" the one that wasn't working for me) was to get to the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and sit down and listen with an open mind at what the happy and serene members were doing and then I did what they were doing...Today I am serene, happy and somewhat more sane than when I was participating in the disease. Yes even with you own best intentions you are participating. If this isn't what you wanted for your life...stop doing it. Get into the Family Groups (because addiction affects everyone it comes into contact with) sit down, listen, learn and then practice. He might not live thru this and you can't stop him from doing himself in. Sad by real. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

avid · Member

In baseball
three strikes your out.
Insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results.
Of course it's possible that one of these days he will actually stop drinking/using,
but is that the most likely scenario?
If he can't see himself staying sober why can you?
It seems like you have a choice.
Leave him for good and move on.
Continue living like this and make the best of it.
I wish you all health and peace of mind.

Desi · Member

It's that every time he leaves me and then comes back after a few weeks all renewed. He tries harder and has more support systems in place. I am Always optimistic - thinking that 'this time he must have hit rock bottom'. I have read that often addicts have to realize that they lost everything and hit rock bottom in order to make a permanent change - is there any truth to that? It's difficult to accept that I have no value to him. He's choosing his addiction over me- once again. I keep thinking that at some point he will choose me and our relationship. Is that not possible? I am really crushed. It is a roller coaster. Letting him go for good means that when he comes back crying I have to say no. What IF this time he would have really changed and I miss it....?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Desi

You ask what can I do? The answer is-- "Search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend."

Many of us have uttered the same painful words and have lost everything before we found the alanon solution.

It is at these meetings and by using new tools you will begin to rebuild your life One Day at A Time.

You are not alone.

Help in finding meetings in your community can be found

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 19th of November 2012 08:48:34 PM

HolySpiritPowered · Newbie

Hi Desi, your post sounds exactly like what I went through but I did it for 6 years and mine turned out violent at the 3 year mark. And I stayed for another 3 years hoping it would get better eventually. I had left him so many times I cant even count them. Each time he would call me and "humble" himself on the phone and promise that he had changed, that he was going to meetings, got a sponsor, stopped drinking, said that he loved me and he couldn't do it without me there by his side. He would play songs in the background that meant something to us in the past. Romantic he would be. He would call me day and night pleading with me. There were times when I told myself that I would never go back, got on my feet with a good job, not just a piddly job at retail or something but at reputable companies where I could advance and be secure financially and independent and I would get sucked into it each time. The day when I would return home he would make me feel like a piece of **** because I left him. We would talk things through and everything would be ok for a day or so. Then he would go right back into the drinking and drama. Through him telling me he couldnt do this without me by his side, I stayed and lived, put up with his disease for that long. The thing inside me that made me stay was the desire to be needed by someone who was sick and wanted me there for my help. My Pride was full blown. I see now, 6 years after I left that man, that I lived in "INSANITY". Not only his, but MINE as well. My sponsor said to me once "Who's sicker? The alcoholic or the one that keeps going back and stays in it?" Really made me think about My motives. I would cry to others that "I just want a normal life" "I dont want to be in a relationship like this" I would complain complain complain about him and his drinking. It, the drinking, consumed me. It took everything I had. I became bankrupt. A personal bankruptcy and financial bankruptcy. I had nothing more to give and there was nothing more to take. The last day of being with this man, who by the way was my "fiance" he handed me a bullet and told me to put my name on it. he had been running with a crowd doing some very illegal things, and for some reason suicide on both our parts was to be the out. Huh? I couldnt believe this man whom I loved so much that I gave up everything just to be with him because of false hopes, was talking to me like this. I took off. Left with the clothes on my back. I was done. I went to a live in program where I could heal from what my life had given me. Alcoholism permeated my entire life and I had no control over it. I learned that because I grew up with alcoholic parents, dated nothing but alcoholics and addicts, I could not live with anything other. I learned that I can still love someone who is alcoholic, but I dont have to live with them because I love them. I can still love them when they're over there! I hurt everyone including myself more by living with them, by enabling them.Truth be said... I never helped him in anything. i couldn't. He needed help from AA and/or counseling. I was not in the AA nor did I have a certificate or degree in counseling, psycology or psychiatry. Who was I to think I could help? I thought I was pretty powerful forsure! Those things I would cry about, I finally made the decision to go for what I felt I deserved. The best thing my Mom ever did for me was to say NO. I again wanted to come live with her after the millionth time of leaving him. She said she couldnt help me any more. She was sick and tired of it too. I had included her in the insanity too. I had to find my own way. And I did. I am so glad she said no because that day my life finally turned around. I'm not 100% but I'm better than I was. I hope this post helps you out. I appologize for it being so long but I had to share my story with you in hopes that you can see a pattern in me, in you. Please take the right turn at the fork in your road. You are not married to this man so you have no legal commitment to him at all. Do you really want to have a marriage with this man? he is showing you right now what it will be like when you are married. Nothing is going to be different. The disease of Addiction is never cured. It can be arrested, but there is more to sobriety than just not drinking or drugging. Sobriety is about learning new behaviors to live a new way of life. Sounds like this man still has a long road ahead of him. Are you willing to live on this road with him? and Why? May God Bless you and reveal to you what He wants you to do with the live He gave you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Why hang around in a relationship for the idea of a changed person? Don't you deserve to be with someone fully competent, capable, and healthy right now?

HolySpiritPowered · Newbie

pinkchip, exactly!

Desi · Member

Thank u for ur response. I don't know where to start. I have lost everything. I had a business. I lost it. I have severely damaged my relationship with my daughters and everyone else in my life. What can I do to break this feeling and cycle? Inside I know that I am being used, but I am trapped. I feel so attached. I feel like I can't let go...

jane99 · Member

it sounds like an awful situation, very similar to mine, but that was for 6 years. I kept taking him back. He got sober for 2 years then relapsed and has just broken up with me for good. I wish i could give some advice, but taking care of yourself and being honest about the relationship (how much joy did it bring? how much pain?) seem like good places to start. good luck

Desi · Member

Thank you all for being so helpful. I am reading your comments over and over again. Trying to keep focused on those facts. I know I should be happy to be getting out of this painful relationship. But instead, I'm sad and emotional right now. He is moving out tomorrow. I know he's going to come crying back in a couple of weeks. He's left me 3 times before and done the same thing. I have to say no this time, because he never follows thru with the help. He never sticks to it and I guess he doesn't believe I will stick to it either since I have always allowed him to come back. I just want to feel better. And i wish I could feel strong and angry in my decision, instead of sad and unsure.

Desi · Member

Well he was only out of the house for two hours when he came back and said he didn't want it to be over. I told him no and that I didn't believe him. I would like to encourage him to get help.... If he's serious this time. How do I know? And I know I can't just take him back obviously. Are there any suggestions?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.