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Well the weekend is here and my AW decided to drink. The drinking has really cut back but she still drinks at home on the weekends. This message is actually about my 24 year old daughter and 1 year old grandson. We watch our grandson quite a bit (I think too much cause my daughter pawns him off on us so she can go do whatever she wants and doesn't spend nearly enough time with him in my opinion.) We love watching him but I feel like my daughter should spend the most time with him, after all she is the mother and father is out of the picture. Anyways, the daughter had yesterday asked if we would watch him today and my wife said no, we cannot. Today she texts my wife asking if we will watch him and wife says ok. Daughter says she will bring lunch and wife asks for her to also bring a bottle of wine. Daughter refuses saying she doesn't have time to get it. Wife says it will only take a minute if she is stopping anyways and daughter says no and threatens wife that she will send me the text messages.
Background: Before I started my program and was struggling initially with the wife's drinking I had broken down on the phone to my daughter when I had left the house because I had no one else to call and thought maybe she might help. She said she was leaving work in a few minutes and would call me back. 2 hours later no call and when I called her again she was basically doing nothing important. Long story short, I wish I had never called the daughter because she REALLY let me down. It was about as hurtful as some of the things the AW has done because of drinking.
Daughter shows up at the house shortly after today with the grandson and an attitude, which my AW says for her to leave with the grandson we will not watch him. I don't really see this from her as not watching because she couldn't get the alcohol. After all, I was here and if the wife said she was running to the store real quick I wasn't gonna say no. It was really more about my daughter being so self involved. Daughter leaves and immediately forwards me all the text messages. The AW had came in to tell me what had happened all upset over the disagreement. The wife even said she told daughter that she was not hiding anything and she would show me the texts, which she offered and I IMMEDIATELY declined saying not any of my business. I deleted the text forwards from my daughter (part of it may involve the wife's drinking, which I am detaching myself from and I see this as a "checking up" on her issue.) The wife is crying and says something about how I had talked to the daughter (I told her I had.) and I made no comment. I then left and went to Lowe's (which I was headed to do anyways and AW knew this.) I think I handled the AW right here (although I felt I wanted to console her crying after the arguement) but not sure how to handle daughter. I did not reply to any of the texts but daughter just doesn't get how to handle the wife's drinking. I have tried to tell her but she doesn't get the whole thing. How should I deal with the daughter and what should I tell her if she asks me what she should've done when the wife asked her to get the wine? I have encouraged daughter in the past to do some research on alcoholism online on her own, which she has done nothing because she is more concerned about her. She is very self-centered.
I can see that you're looking for support about your wife, and that's absolutely appropriate, because anybody would have a hard time handling what's going on. And so I'm so glad you came here to think it through. I hope you have an Al-Anon group you can also go to? Because face-to-face and minute-to-minute support is also so helpful when thinking out the situations that arise. A good sponsor might be a godsend. Nobody should have to handle this alone.
Your daughter is no doubt immature -- when I think of what I was like at 24, it's a good thing I didn't even have a pet, let alone a child, let alone being a single parent of a child! I was about 30 before I really started handling things and 35 before I got my act together. Some people are quicker than that, but at 24 a person is naturally still going to be finding her way in the world. Not to say that she doesn't have a big responsibility on her shoulders. But I think maybe she has too much going on and is not in a good place to be a helpful support for you. It does sound as if she has some good natural instincts -- not bringing that bottle of wine -- that was something that many of us take years and years to learn. So she is ahead of the game in an impressive way right there.
I'm not sure what else you are wanting your daughter to do about your wife? Remember the three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. Of course all those things are true of your daughter too. She can't cure it, control it, etc.
I remember something I read once that really turned a light bulb on for me: "When we overfocus about one thing, we're underfocusing about something else." I wonder if wishing so hard that you could control your daughter's actions toward her mother is a way of underfocusing on the bigger problem -- that she has a mother who is out of control?
And of course neither of you can control your wife. You can only stay on your own side of the street and take good care of yourselves.
Take what you life and leave the rest. Sending you much support.
HD...try not to second guess yourself here. All your decisions up to this point were made with the best intentions it sounds like. You have done the best you could with what you knew at the time. We all have experiences of turning to the wrong people for support. Perhaps your daughter was not the wrong person to turn to. Relationships and choices like that have no right/wrong or yes/no. You simply did the best you could with what you were facing at the time. If your wife tries to guilt you about that, that is the respose I would give and then turn it over and basically make like it's not up for discussion. This is just my opinion, but I don't think you need to console your wife about the consequences of her own drinking. Those are hers. If she feels like you shared her "nasty little secret" then oh well...It's not like you had an advertisement printed in the paper or went to her job or put up signs in the community calling her an alcoholic. It was your daughter who is a logical person to turn to (even though in this case, it seems your daughter also has her own issues).
From a broader sense, you can apply your whole alanon program to all of this. One person I know states that their life has become so much better now that they don't deal in O.P.P. meaning "Other Peoples' Problems." It would seem that most of what I do is deal with other peoples' problems because I like to try and help people and I am a counselor by trade also. But truthfully, it's different now because I don't live in other peoples' problems and I don't make them my own.
Your daughter is an adult and she is going to screw up, make mistakes, learn from them (hopefully), and she has her own journey apart from you and your wife. You can turn her and her problems over just like you have started to do with your wife and her drinking. Enjoy your grandson and when you find yourself obsessing or worrying about things you cannot control (wife's drinking, daughter's behavior, wife and daughter's relationship with each other), that is when to say "Thy will be done" and "not my problem." You can be concerned, but step 3 is about turning it over and letting go when you know in your gut there is nothing you can do about it. Guard your serenity and your relationship with your higher power. You deserve happiness and peace, not to worry and torture yourself over other peoples' problems.
Ok so daughter came over this evening "to apologize". She asked me why I didn't reply to her texts and I said "this is between you and your mother and not me", which maybe wasn't the best answer. She replied with her immaturity, "When you called about her drinking to me that was between you and her, not me." I just didn't reply. After being here a while, she went to the store and got the wife some groceries, including a bottle of wine. Not the best outcome for the whole day but I guess it at least didn't directly get me in the "line of fire" for a change. At the end of the day, I at least spent some time to myself doing a few things alone that tends to relax me some... The day hasn't been terrible, I have had worse. At least i can have some solice in that and tomorrow is a new day.
