Always a struggle...... - Al-Anon Family Group

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Always a struggle......

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That sounds like a lot of life on life's terms. If you are looking for miracles, the one I'm reading between the lines is your daughter. She seems to have a beautiful bond with you and she trusts you. Aside from the marriage and everything else - That is a pretty awesome gift from your HP.

It takes a very long time and a lot of work to stop seeing burdens around you and to see obstacles as lessons. I'm not sure how it happened for me. I'd been on meds for a long time too. I still am but I don't feel depressed or like a loser. I identified with that part of your post 100 percent. Really working on the steps with my sponsor helped me. Something clicked in me...I guess you could call it God or a spiritual awakening, but something inside started fighting back and saying "No, you are not a loser," "You deserve good things," "Enjoy life," and "You are free." That is what I feel in my soul now. It comes from my higher power and it came from the 12 steps. Pretty crazy, but if it happened for me....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

After I read this I got this picture in my mind. Three apples. One was getting a little wrinkly, then a smaller one which was ok, a bit soft, then the rotten one. The wrinkled one kept pulling the rotten one closer to it. But sadly they are all in the same basket.

Would therapist and doctor testify for you about the abuse.Is a tape or video of her with out knowing showing the abuse possible.

Thank goodness your daughter has you, that you did not just leave her there.

People can make boundaries with the A. Example, no drinking or being drunk in this house around daughter or me. IF it happens, that means you are choosing to be locked out. simple. She sure can call the police, but a drunk like that, and your protecting your daughter, wife would probably be arrested. good.

Daughter feels safe and knows you will protect her. When wife chooses it again, out she goes. I don't know how your schedule is, but things can be worked out. Do you have an after school program daughter can stay at till you pick her up? Or a friends, neighbors relative?

A boundary can be made about her saying appropriate things to daughter or out the door.

Being proactive would help your depression.

I have watched exactly what you are going thru. He stayed, she was a drunk. The kids are now leaving the home. The dad now finds out, what she was doing when he was not there. The oldest is a depressed mess, drinks, has no job, no motivation. The other lies like mom does, saw things no child should see or hear. Thank God he stayed for them.

I believe if one is going to stay, that does not mean allowing this sick disease to take over! I feel when a person is protecting their kids, they better do it 100%. Many people get an ROrder to get the drunk out. Has she threatened either of you in any way? if putting her out is a horrible mess, good, the messier the better, then you have witnesses and the RO is easier to get.

SEems like you always shared if you leave. What I have seen works better is get them out. You will find the money to make it or get something cheaper, or get a house mate.

You do have options. Some not as pretty as others, but we have ways of protecting our kids, we have to have the courage to do it.

When we had the draft, and my exAh was drafted, it was horrible. When i had my son, I made a promise we would run to wherever we had to to avoid the draft. I meant it. thank goodness that time never came. The world is a very big place to get lost in.

sending you hugs and courage, debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Yankees...your post was an echo for me a reminder of what I was like and where I was mentally and emotionally when I found the doors to Al-Anon. I was suicidal (an old solution) and moving on a 3rd attempt at it however I put it off when I was introduced to a fellowship many of who had conditions much more worse than mine and who where smiling and carrying on in sane and serene ways. I remember that I "butted" all the good stuff in my life away with the stuff I explained as "horrible" and I learned I could never experience the positive, happy and good stuff when I kept doing that. My program started to teach me to use "and" so that I could find balance and margin and mercy. I learned how to tell it like it was and not to over dramatize it to get "poor me's and pity" the strokes I thought I needed. I needed strokes and needed to learn how to give them to myself rather than use the longer more dramatic process. The "and" process started working really well when I could admit that yes there were negatives going on "and" there were positives just the same...so I started practicing that way of thinking and speaking and I still do now.

I learned about "successful suicide" between my HP and me and I was elated to learn it. While I was very concerned about ending my life as every other suicide before me had...killing myself; my Higher Power taught me that this way was the unsuccessful suicide...I leave and don't get to participate any longer and I miss the miracles and the good stuff that will come...I leave sadness with those who continue on with memories both good and bad and always with a "but" he killed himself. What my Higher Power taught me was that a "Successful" suicide isn't about ending my life and ending how I lived it. To end the bad choices and bad emotions and thoughts and behaviors and getting rid of the bad spirit exchanging these for their opposites was the "Successful" suicide and of course one of the consequences was that I found happiness and balance and serenity and had no reason to kill my lifie ever. Another consequences was that I wanted to continue on and improve on what I had found and to give it away to others, which I have. In Support. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

Chaya · Senior Member

I finally left my husband after I took my daughter to therapy and she drew a picture of me as a smiling fairy, then blacked out my face and broke my wings. Sadly, that was what I felt I had become. The marriage was just killing me. I was a zombie. I had thought that staying in an unhappy marriage was better for my daughter than leaving. So, for me it was time to go. I'm not suggesting you go. You just reminded me of this very poignant moment for me.

mjhyankees · Senior Member

The abuse is strictly verbal. And there really is nothing that can be done as far as an order of protection. I think if the therapist had the power in court to deem custody I'd win. But the reality is there would be joint custody and my daughter made clear how uncomfortable she's be with wife for 3 days a week and my not being around at all. There is no physical abuse and screaming, though it happens is more rare. What my wife does is constantly criticize my daughter and do stupid head games like she'll come home, my daughter will go to greet her but if wife is upset about something (which she often is) she'll just brush past her without a word. But the picking and criticism is the worst. Daughter has verbalized things like "what did I do wrong" or "mommy doesn't act like she loves me" etc. It's really hard to watch.

I try to remember that I've made the best decision possible for her and I. If I was gone, I'd be more worried about more daughter and think I'd feel worse off. But it just feels like emotionally I'm doing constant heavy lifting and it wears me down at times and I slide into depression. A few days later I come out of it, focus on more positive stuff and resume things I like to do. When I stay in the moment and look around me at that time, I'm ok. When I step back and look at the big picture I get depressed because its a mess. My daughters suffering is what depresses me the most and leaving doesn't fix that at all. I am successfully able to ignore my wife, or walk out at those times when I feel she's abusive toward me.

Its that feeling of being trapped and nothing getting better that hurts me. I realize that a time will come when this ends but it's not like it's next year. I'm stuck for several years more at best. I find it all hard to accept because it feels totally UNacceptable. I try to focus on the good moments, the times when the wife acts normally, things I like but I don't feel like I'm living my life. I feel that I've been given a crappy role in a bad play and am stuck having to play that part.

One day at a time is the only way I survive but it just feels like survival, not living, at times. Other times I get glimpses and pieces of the life I want. If I was some really together, healthy minded person I'd be better off but I'm trying to cope with my own depression, anxiety, midlife crisis stuff and a lifetime of poor self esteem and it's just overwhelming at times. I like Jerry's comment about using "and". So I'll finish by saying that along with all the crap just mention I can say AND I have a good secure job, a home in a nice area, the best daughter in the world, two dogs that just amuse me constantly, a wonderful therapist who is the highlight of my week (sometimes I think that's sad but I so look forward to my sessions), one great best friend who feels like an angel sent to help my life, ability in music such that I can really enjoy myself there. A brother to whom I'm close to, and physical health that although it's nowhere near what I'd like, I can still work in the yard, walk, and do physical things. I'm finally losing weight by not dieting - just a healthier lifestyle that feels doable and good overall heart health. I had thought I'd had a heart attack a few years back and the nuclear stress test revealed "perfectly clear arteries with no sign of any damage or heart attack - and that was when i was 50 pounds overweight (more like 30 now).

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.